The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is one thing I always asked myself over the years.
Many people told me I was such as when I asked the separation from my AH or when I was younger, when I refused to take care of my A step father who was sick (as example)
Can we be considered egoist because we are thinking to take care of ourselves???
It's not a stupid question at all, and I think it is one that we all struggle with, especially when dealing with the "outside world" (i.e. people not in recovery circles).
I think it boils down to confusion between the terms "selfish", and "self-care". What we are practicing in our program is truly "self-care".
Our A's often try to convince us that we are being "selfish", but when we are being honest with ourselves and our recovery, we are not.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There is no such thing as a silly question. If someone doesn't know for sure, in my mind it shows courage and intelligence to be willing to ask. I for one asked nearly the same question when I expressed early on in my program that I didn't care to appear selfish by taking care of my needs. The best way I was able to understand this is self care and selfish are two different things. All I am responsible for unless I have small children is to take care of myself. Heaven knows the disease of addiction would like you to believe you are being selfish by not putting another persons needs ahead of your own. Good question, great reminder, keep posting.
I do understand what you mean and never looked at it that way before. Thanks!
Another question...
How do you explain Al Anon (and the fact that you are following Al Anon) to people outside the problem?
I got upset with a friend yesterday night over the phone as I did tell him about Al Anon and he reacted as if I was a sick person. Ok, he does not know much about my past experiences but he was not even willing to try to understand that it could be important for me.
Maybe you will tell me, who cares what he thinks or not but it has been the first time I talked about it and felt bad about his reaction (I did talk about it also with an A friend but he thought it was wonderful). Does it mean I have to keep everything for myself like if it was something I should be ashamed of?
I think people's expectations can be way off. For whatever reason my housemates think its my job to clean the house despite the fact I work and they don't. I used to buy into it and now I don't. Do we have to take on the labels and justify our actons. I was so lucky with the A last summer when I was once again on the "rescue", his uncle kept saying that the A had dug a hole he could not get out of. I stopped trying to pul him out.
We are certainly not selfish or selfless, we are taking care of ourselves.
I use to be a questioner also...soooo many of them and even found solutions to that condition in our Literature One Day at a Time in Alanon daily reader.
Egotism? None of us is perfect and my own opinion is at times we all suffer from this self centered condition with justifications for it. For me today it is about intention and motivation and desire or need. If it has got to be my way and I am intent on getting it my way and I am motivated to get everyone involved to see it my way and because I am such a great person, that's about ego. There is more as others will step up to explain it for themselves.
Explaining my program to others? I do that cautiously with an expectation that some might accept it, some might not and others will reject it because it doesn't fit for them. That is my experience and from it I learned to walk the talk not so much as talk it.
Another good question. In the beginning I was so overly zealous that I had finally found a place where others understood...that I was ready and willing to blurt it out to the world...after telling the first person at work I was attending Alanon meetings...I received this really strange look from her...it was something I asked an old timer in my meetings about the next week...it was then I learned how important it was for me to do this FOR ME and ONLY ME without explanation to others. I also understood I needed to keep those I loved safe by not saying who in my family suffered this disease. Sadly others often don't understand. I trusted from that moment on that my HP (whom I call God) would direct me to share with those in need if the time was appropriate and I heard their desperation. I also came to leave literature here and there in case other families never did find the courage to ask someone face to face.
You are right Peggy. I am also 'overly zealous that I had finally found a place where others understood' and I was not expecting a wrong reaction to it. I will keep it for myself for the time being and talk about it if it comes naturally in the conversasion.
I asked a friend to order online an Al Anon book for me (as I don't have a credit card). He done it quite happily and I was awaiting some comments about the book ordered. After a while he told me that he understood what was Al Anon and that if it could do me any good I was right to go with it. Maybe, it will make me understand also who really cares about me and ready to accept me as i am.
I also came to leave literature here and there in case other families never did find the courage to ask someone face to face. I used to leave AA leaflet around the house for my husband...he never got the message though
I should have been more specific. I do not leave literature around for the A to catch a clue. The pamphlets I've left here and there are about Al-anon in the event someone having to live with this needs help. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't force a situation with the A, nor was it my place to try to manipulate their thinking or actions. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
No worry Peggy. My english is not always at its best and sometimes I get mixed up.
Anyway, at that time although I did know about AA (always trying to find a solution for AH ), I did not know about Al Anon and I didn't know that it was 'useless' doing it.
