The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay Family, my A will be back in this country and at my house in seven days. I'm excited, and scared, and happy, and NERVOUS. It's been 11 years since I've seen him, and there's been lots of water under the bridge since then.
In these 11 years, I've learned about strength and forgiveness. I've learned that I can rely on myself, that I'm strong enough to face anything (and face it alone), and that when I get hurt or stumble - that life doesn't end. I've also learned that unless and until we forgive, we can never truly understand the power of being forgiven. I've learned that all humans will let us down eventually, and the best we can do is love them and keep seeking out the best choices for ourselves.
I have no idea if allowing the A back in my world is the "right" decision. But it's a decision that I make with my eyes wide open. I'm 46 years old, have raised a wonderful child, hold a responsible job, pay my bills, and do the best I can to do the right thing every day. This man adds something to my life. He adds love and laughter and a security that I feel knowing that knows me and he understands me (sometimes a little too well......as there's nowhere to "hide"). He's never ever hurt me physically, or assaulted me verbally. His loathing tends to be limited to himself. Not to say that it's all been sweetness and light in the past. I come undone when he abuses himself with alcohol, then he walks away. Sometimes for a few minutes - last time for 11 years.
I'm honest enough to tell you that I long for the happily ever after with him. He's that one that I haven't gotten out of my head for 30 years. He's a special human.
All that being said. He's coming here with little money and will have to start from scratch. Get a driver's license, buy a car, get a job, make friends, find some meetings, etc. etc. etc. Not a small order. I pray and pray that this life change will not have an adverse effect on his sobriety. But I'm guaranteed nothing. So I'm left with simply taking it one day at a time, and working on a Plan B if all of this falls through.
I'm asking you for the best advice you can offer me. I trust this group - and welcome your words.
Hey Round!!! My suggestion would be to live and love each day as it comes. Try not to worry about tomorrow. Remember to remember each and every good moment. Life is fleeting no matter who we choose to spend it with. So, just relax as best you can and enjoy!!!
Let go of the outcome. Things don't have to work out "the way you thought they would" in order to work out.
A good moment is just that - a good moment. It doesn't mean that all following moments will also be good. It also doesn't lose its "goodness" if it's followed by some bad moments.
also wanted to add, be prepared that nothing has changed. if he is still drinking, and not healing the reasons for his medication, then you can probably expect the same results.
will you be disappointed when he chooses to walk out the next time?
expectations ~~ they have lent me much sadness and disappointment when dealing with the alcoholism of those close to me.
i have been much more accepting and happy when i made sure that my happiness and sadness were based solely on how i choose to live my life.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Don't understand why he has nothing. I believe you mentioned he had been ill. does he have an alternative to you? Personally I tend to shy away from any rescue. I find it laden with fantasy and drama. I have to be very grounded. If someone needs my rescue I see it as a boundary issue. I am no longer willing to surrender them.
I think that putting all your eggs in one basket is risky business. I know there has to be more than one person for me. I can and did buy all the As specialness for years. Then it seemed less than special with the hardships.
Dependence is not necessarily a good thing.
I can also minimize the effecf the A had on me. The higher the expectation the bigger the "fall".
Thanks to all of you for you nuggets of advice. I don't have any family left here where I live anymore - nor much family anyway. My friends are wonderful, but understand precious little about the challenges of being with an A. I do listen to your words.
The beauty of "this time around" with my A is that there are no eggs and no baskets. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I don't "need" him, but neither do I apologize for loving him.
I hope that everyone will continue to call them as they see them with me. But also keep me in your prayers.........
