The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so confused I am not sure if my bf is an A or its something else he drinks but can stop after a couple the problem is he has always been very rebellious he drinks when things are bad but then takes coke this leads to the problems i can not live with e.g mood swings no money missing for days etc. I am not sure if alcohol is the prob or other very confused. Anyway For past couple of months he has had drinks but not took cocaine and been really trying in relationship. Everytime he tops benders life seems o.k. Then if looses his job or something only does agency work its as if he gives up and thinks no point. Anyway he was unfaithful before xmas so even though he has been quite good I told him it was over even though it happened 10 months ago. I am so confused I have been concentrating on me and working my programme I finally realise I have no control over him. I was trying to fix him his life he had been in prison for 5 years and just was not reajusting to society. you see I dont know if he is an a or its all other stuff. Well now he has come to me looking great really up beat. he says he was not ready for a relationship that he was running to bender but now he will do anything to be with me. He says he will have a drink but never go missing again. I am so confused I dont want to walk I do love him but am petrified this is a slip on my part. He wants to see me just once a week and says he will prove it to me. I am scared once our physical relatioship starts again I will go backwards.
I want to say o.k once a week and set clear boundaries e.g you carnt come to my home, or near my kids till your actions reflect your words. I know i am progessing cause normally I take him back. I just need to see proof but he is pressuring me to meet once a week I want to but would prefer to stay friends on phone and see what happens. I miss the closeness to and want to believe him. I dont want to dappen his high spirits he seem really determined to change but I am scared. Think I am answering my own questions as I type. I need to do as I wish. We met today and the chemistry was electric he knows exactly what buttons to press. Wow this is so hard choices I think I will ring him and say I want to try again but need to take it slower if he carnt respect my wishes then everything he said today was a lie. thanks for letting me share my confusion.
Sounds like you talked yourself to the right answer for you. It is perfectly reasonable for you to say slower or no go. Preasure is a manipulation. It is designed to get you to react, not act with dignity in your own best interests. I know I needed lots of time to be able to make informed decisions when my AH and I were separated. We are getting back together now after a year.
Good luck and remember you can change your boundaries when you figure out what you need or something is not working for you.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Regardless of whether it's alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroin, etc etc etc, are his behavior/attitudes acceptable to you?
I very briefly dated my ex-boss's father-in-law. He didn't drink by then, and he never used drugs. He almost died of pancreatitis, and was a heavy drinker prior to that.
He just quit drinking because it meant his health. He put it down, and never picked it up again.
It didn't take me long to recognize the dates consisted of him monopolizing the time with non-stop talk about him him him. He was the eternal pessimist, and it was whine whine whine.
That was not acceptable to me. I quickly grew bored, and then agitated.
That was the end of that.
I deserve so much better.
I'm not selling myself short anymore.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I always wanted to believe that he was telling me the truth... I never wanted to believe he was an A and thought it was something else... indeed,I found that other things were part of the problem. ADHD, hypoglycemia and a personality disorder, narcissism. I, too, kept asking him for what I needed... It boiled down to respect. It would go well for awhile (when I "got through" to him) and then the behavior would return. For 26 years this cycle persisted. I desperately wanted it to work ... my denial kept it going. I believed that I could always get through to him... but my life sure became unmanageable when I tried. Eventually, I had to escalate my efforts... Once I broke a window... put a hole in the wall, I threw things, lost my voice from screaming... I would go insane. But, it got his attention and things would improve.... for a while. When the behavior wasn't present, I would begin to question myself. I went to numerous counselors for depression and I always found myself explaining that I felt confused.
Now I know, that the confusion is part our OUR disease, it tells us that it's all in our head.... what's wrong with US... we're the crazy ones, etc. etc. Confusion lies in knowing the truth, yet not wanting to believe it.
I learned so much by going to a f2f meeting every day in the beginning. What a gift! I would encourage you to do this for yourself. You are worth it.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Consider this. It is not chemistry but the disease talking (cunning, baffling, powerfull). Set those boundaries expecially when there are kids involved.
