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I am new to this site, but have found comfort in viewing all of the posts. I am the mother of three children and the wife of an alcoholic. Five weeks ago I asked my husband to leave after he had taken most of my pain medication after a recent surgery. I know he is drinking also. He was in rehab last summer for three months and relapsed after being home a month. We have been seperated for most of this last year. He now has a sponsor and is going to meetings, but how do you forgive after so much damage has been done?
Hello Mom , I know your busy but if u can find time for meetings for youself it will help u alot , the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we all do , we do have a part in this mess .and u need support . with understanding of this disease for me came forgivness , learning who i really am not what alcoholism turned me into was a gift . forgivness takes time ,it's not something u can rush . Go one day at a time , enjoy the day and your children and support your husb sobritey efforts by taking care of your own recovery .When push came to shove for me the person I had to forgive was me , for what i didn't do , I just let this all happen never said enough ! or don't talk to me that way , I had choices and for the most part I just went with the flow , he on the other was only doin what alcoholics do , drink. I hid behind his alcoholism for along time . no one to blame but me . good luck Louise
I wish I knew why addicts relapse so often. Most addicts that I have come to know realize that they have lost so much due to their addictions (jobs, family, careers, driver licenses, etc) yet they always seem to go back to their addiction. For me it was easy to forgive for so long. Not just for his drinking and substance abuse, but for the mean things he'd say or due while he was under the influence. I always attributed it to his addictions and would forgive him. Then one day I flat out told him, "I appreciate you saying 'I'm sorry' for the rotten things you've done, and although everything is ok for you when you say I'm sorry, for the people you've hurt, it isnt that easy."
I think that when you initially forgive the addict they come to think that just by saying "I'm sorry" everything will be ok and you will forgive them.
I also am a mother of 3 and it was difficult to get to a meeting. I can tell you that once I made time, it was totally worth it. I learned a lot and learned that I am not alone. If you cant get to a meeting, keep coming back to this board because reading all the posts does help, at least with me it did. They also have meetings here, I believe at 9 am and 9 pm. Would be best to check with someone else regarding the times in case I'm wrong.
Stay strong for your children, but more importantly for you. Your kids need a healthy parent! Dont make yourself sick over your addict. Sometimes you cant forgive. You just have to accept the person for who they are.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Welcome Mom, I hope you can get to a face2face meeting soon. The help there is amazing. They also have books and pamphlets that you can read. Learn as much about the disease as you can.
In Al-Anon we learn to take the focus of our lives off the alcoholic and put it back where it belongs, on us. We learn to live happy and serene lives whether the A is still drinking or not. We learn to detach and make informed decisions about our lives, not just react.
Forgiveness is something that is for our benefit, not theirs. We forgive when we are ready to let go of the resentment. It isn't easy and it takes time and healing on our part. Nobody can guilt or manipulate us into it. We can't use it as a tool to get the A sober. We can however use the lack of it to beat ourselves up and that is not productive. Try not to rush yourself to forgive. It will happen when you are ready.
I have 2+ years in this program. My AH has (HP willing) 1 year sober at the end of this month. There are still times that I feel strong resentments for things that have really really hurt me, or been a danger to my children. Usually now those resentments are somewhat fleeting and I am honest with my AH when they arise. (I do not say it mean, and I allow him the dignity of dealing with his own emotions.)
I feel that I know an aweful lot about alcoholism as a disease and that is a blessing that allows me to feel a great sadness and grieving for those still caught in its grip, and a great joy and much hope to see those breaking the cycle in this program.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply. I get carried away. LOL
Hope something I said helps. Remember to take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The best thing to do is get to a meeting. In the program, I have learned that we sometimes need to be that selfish. I cannot cope with others, especially when I cannot cope with myself. Its one of the greatest gifts I have received in Al-Anon.
Ive been fortunate to grow up in both programs of Alateen and Al-anon for more than 20 years. One thing you might consider is getting your children involved in the program too. I was lucky enough to have a mom that forced me to go. And it helped me considerably.
This is just my experience strength and hope for you. Take what you like, and leave the rest. :)
Hi Mom Just wanted to say welcome to the site. I hear quite alot how addicts relapse after going to rehab. I think they have to find their spiritual awakening before it means too much to them ( only speaking from personal experience). Rehab helps with the physical addiction but not the emotional/spiritual one. If he's found a sponsor and keeps going the AA, One day at a time we can only pray he find his Higher Power. I heard it said by an AA member that he actively planned to drink tomorrow. He couldn't think about never drinking again. It was too big a problem. Of course when he woke in the morning it was today again. So he began again actively planning to drink tomorrow. Hes been sober about 15 years now.
As far as the forgiveness is concerned I too found this hard to get my head round while the drinking was still active. I think I began to forgive after about 6 months of sobriety when his ( and my) sanity began to re appear. He even looked different. He certainly sounded different. And I realised that all the hurt done wasn't done by him it was done by the alcohol.
Keep going and focusing on your own needs and the serenity prayer. One day at a time it does become easier
You can go to meetings here (not sure where you live) and go to the chat room here. No one is mandating your forgive at all. I do think for me the forgiveness is the self forgiveness that is so key. I need to forgive myself for not taking care of me better. I have to put a lot of focus on myself these days as I am so very bad at taking care of me.
Working this program takes time for some of us. I have been at it a few years and have to say sometimes I have to detach like my hair is on fire for certain issues.
