The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do understand that everyone gets tired of the same story- especially my family. I also hope that I am not taking advantage of this board by venting every situation that comes up. But, it's like as soon as they are happening I think about telling you guys to get your feedback. However, I know you all get tired of hearing the same old thing as well. In light of doing recovery work, I got out my Alanon book last night and started with step one. I do have a question, however, when the A does not do what he says he is going to- like coming over last night- is the Alanon approach to let it be and not react or say something and hold him accountable? I feel like not making a big deal of it would help me keep serenity, yet at the same time, I want to set boundaries... I will try not to air every little grievance here, but I do want to say again how much I appreciate your support and this board.
Air away, hon. You have every right to use this board to get it out of your head and heart and let your healing begin! Keeping it in will only serve to keep you sick and miserable.
Now, a boundry is someting you set for you. Not to punish him or get him to do what you think is right. It is to keep you safe and sane. So, if he is lying to you and you don't like it, well, you have a few choices. Stop taking to him, stop believeing anything he says, scream and yell at him, believe him. I am sure there are more options but those are just a few. With my A, I just stopped believeing anything he said. I didn't call him on his lies, I just said to myself "yeah, right" ater every single thing he said. It was what I cose to do to stay sane. I mean, he would say "Look at the tree." And I would think "yeah right, what tree, you liar" but to him I would say "Oh I see." I didn't do this for long because I got sick of living in the Land of Goofey where truth was what he said it was.
Also, if you are using alanon to try to change him, that doesn't work either. I used to sit in meetings and remember stuff to tell my A!!! LOL!!! I read the lit trying to figure out how to get him to see th error of his ways and love me like I wanted. I did that for awhile and then I stopped comming to alanon because it wasn't working and I was still miserable (maybe more so than when I started). When I came back, I worked this program for me and only me. My A HATED that. I was done with focusing on him and I started working on me and that made him mad!!! But at that point, I didn't care. I was dying, my soul was being crushed and I was in too much pain to exisist.
Please, keep venting, even every little thing, That is what we are here for. I needed to vent and hear what others told me that is the only way I finally started to get how this program could help me......keep comming back!!!!!
Nobody gets tired of you airing what you are going through. Part of what we do here, though, is ask the hard questions. Part of alanon is support, but another part is "here are tools that work, try them".
I like the idea of, rather than being disappointed when an A acts like an A, just accepting that he is who he is, and he does what he does. You know he can't be relied on, so stop relying on him. His reliability is not why you love him. So, enjoy the parts you do love, and protect yourself from the parts you don't.
I think the "Al-Anon" way, so to speak, or at least a healthy way..... is to make plans for yourself - like last night - and carry out these plans "with or without" your A.... that is a form of detachment in and of itself... trying not to let his decision to participate or show up having too much bearing on you, or your night....
So if the plan was to watch a movie.... then..... go watch the movie as planned.... if the plan was to go for a walk in the park.... then.... go for a walk in the park....
In doing this, slowly but surely, you start "taking back" that power that you have unintentionally given him, and that his decisions start having less and less impact on your daily affairs....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Ditto what the others have said so far. I also think that venting is needed for some of us. I think it is a way of learning to be honest about our thoughts and feelings. At first all we can do is vent, spill it out as best we can so it doesn't consume us. Then as we grow in the program we slowly learn how to really communicate our thoughts and feelings on a healthy level.
So vent all you need to here. Someone will always be listening. Part of recovery is learning to let out your feelings in safety, to people who will understand and not judge you. Your vent will help someone else to know they are not alone in feeling that way, or thinkig that way. It will spur discussion and you will get others ES and H on the subject. Eventually you will feel less need to vent because you will have grown in the program.
JMHO
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I totally agree with what everyone else has said. I also agree that this is a great place to vent. But I chose to USE my vent. Not just vent for the sake of venting. I want to learn through my vent here by reviewing and paying attention to the others responses. A significant part of the al-anon program (for me) has to do with listening. Listening very closely. I hear HP through my al-anon shares- what I say and what others say. I believe in my learning curve. What are you learning? How do you listen? How can you summarize what others say and digest it and apply it to your life? J.
I think it gradually comes more intuitively. You have to be a beginner and be willing to be a beginner. I'm still a beginner and I've been here for years. Leaving an A is only part of it.
I'm still codependent. I still need help with boundaries. I still have a hard time taking care of myself. None of us is going to get sick of you. I used to post daily now I don't. I might actually need to as well!
