The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Stay" might not be the right word as he is not physically here with me. Why do I stay obsessed with him might be a more acurate question. I stay obsessed because I have issues related to my self esteem that I have yet to heal. I stay obsessed because somewhere in my mind we are still one person- even though he has no problem seperating us. I stay obsessed because I am still to afraid to look at what the relationship really is. I am still too afraid to admit that he is what he is. My ego still cannot understand why he can't choose me. I am still too hurt to admit that he will never care about me or love me the way I want him to love me. I am afraid to imagine my life without him to obsess about...
Good question.... for me I stayed because I loved him. Although him and I are no longer together as a couple, we're still 'friends from a distance'. I guess you could say he had me from hello. Then after years of dealing with his addiction I had to step back and re-evaluate things and as it turned out, he was someone I couldnt see having a 'forever' with.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
For me, it was stubborness, and NOT wanting to "fail".... All my life, I believed that if I set my mind and heart to something, I could succeed.... My marriage ultimately failed, even though my exAW is now sober....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Good question.... for me I stayed because I loved him. Although him and I are no longer together as a couple, we're still 'friends from a distance'. I guess you could say he had me from hello. Then after years of dealing with his addiction I had to step back and re-evaluate things and as it turned out, he was someone I couldnt see having a 'forever' with.
I am with codependent. I obsess. I stay invested in the relationship and he has moved on. I don't know why he won't turn his head from his addiction and care about me. So I obsess and he became my HP. His was an active A when I met him. He sobered up for 25 years but acquired other addictions like computer games, TV, but doesn't seem to drink. I have trouble letting go of what was, could be, and what Tom said, failure.
On a daily basic my thought process continues to ask that question. I have to talk out of both sides on mouth to answer it. One day and very seldom two days a week the merry go round stops and we get off together. I feel we both have our hopes up on those days.
But the next day that active disease sticks its ugly head back up. I love the Al-Anon program. I continue to use it and its tools to make my life better, but I honestly get so sick and tired of this disease. Sick and D---- tired.
I can relate to canadianguy and not wanting to fail. That certainly has been part of my thought process, also wishing she would work her AA program or make a decision to get help. What I would give for that.
So why do I stay? Well that is not the question I have been asking myself lately. The question I have caught myself asking is do I want to live the rest of my life like I have the past 10 or 12 years? I'm just tired and not as young as most of you. With all that being said I still feel a little guilty and a like a quiter, and I am also sorry to say I think I know the answer to my question. RLC
I stayed as long as I did for some of the same reasons Tom mentioned but also because of marriage vows I took very seriously. But it reached a point where I felt my very life was threatened as verbal, mental and psychological abuse turned to physical abuse. I might still be there today had this not happened. J.
love him most days, hate the alcohol all days, our history, 25 yrs marriad, 4 kids, he loves me, quiet/passes out type of drunk & not violent, functioning alcoholic who keeps a job, so I stay for now and sometimes it is just for today while I keep learning the al anon program and my part or how I have been affected by this family disease. Making choices for me not dependent on AH and making a plan B for if things got intolerable or violent when he gets sick from all the alcohol. The stories are all the same yet each is uniquely different too so each outcome will be unique.
This is my 2nd marriage (tho all kids are from this one) so I already know divorce is just another set of problems to deal with plus emotions/impact of kids is another thing to consider. I plan to do what is best for me one day at a time and so far, I have wanted to stay. It is a roller coaster but I am getting better at enjoying the ride rather than screaming to let me out of here.
Some days I feel connected and somedays like it will never get better so I too ask the question RLC wrote " do I want to live the rest of my life like I have the past 10 or 12 years?"
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Because of the life we have built together, and the kids, the vows, the history, he is my best friend. And deep down I know the person he really is. One day when the kids are grown and on their own I may feel differently. But for now this is where I choose to be. Doesn't mean I always like it, but with the help of this board, sometimes it sure makes it easier to bear it.
Because I love him - and fell in love with him eons ago before the addiction began. I know THAT guy. Because he's still THAT guy when he's working his program. Because I like him and enjoy him. Because I know what an amazing human he is, how smart, sweet, and funny he is. He makes me laugh. And I'm not ready to give up hope of a life with him.
ps: He'll be moving here a week from today for us to be together and try again (for the 3rd time). So check with me in about a month!
Apparently he has been an alcohol and substance addict since college (many years ago). When I met him, perhaps I was naive but yes he was an addict. He kept it well hidden from me though. Sure, we'd go out and have a few drinks but it wasnt to the point where he was 'wasted'. As time went on, he did tell me that he was an alcoholic and substance abuser. Of course I felt bad that I ever entertained the idea of going out to a pub with friends, but I cant blame myself because I had no idea he was an alcoholic. Needless to say, once I knew 1) we never went out for drinks again and 2) it was too late, because we were already deep into our relationship.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I had no idea until three years into the marriage that he had an alcohol problem. He never drank. Didn't occur to me to ask beforehand, "By the way, are you a 25-years sober alcoholic?" Missed the signs? WHAT signs? I never knew an alcoholic in my life before he came into it.
That being said, why do I stay? A better question would be, why do I allow HIM to stay? I talk about kicking him out; talk a convincing story, but he's still here. I guess I have gotten used to the occasional binges, one of which one day will kill him. He doesn't drink on a day-to-day basis thank God. That I would NOT tolerate. My great passion for him has died. I am sometimes resentful and angry; he knows that and understands. Most times are good. I lean on the good and make it through the bad.
Why don't I tell him to leave? Your guess is as good as mine.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well, I need to twist the question a bit, as in why DID I stay...
I want to answer this because it takes honesty and is therapeutic for me.
I stayed because I was in denial I stayed because I thought I had something I didn't I stayed because I wanted what I thought I had I stayed because I was incredibly tolerant and put his needs ahead of my own I stayed because I wanted the family unit and liked the way it looked I stayed because I hung onto what could be, not what really was I stayed because I thought it would get better I stayed because I didn't love myself enough to do something different
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
