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I took the kids camping without AH. I told him if he wanted he could catch up. He said he would come later and bring the dog. He did not show up for night #1. I drove to the nearest town next afternoon to check me messages. He happened to walk by my car. He was arrested at 2am the night before in that town for DUI. The police took the dog to the pound. I tried to get the dog, they said the dog was scared and bit the cop, now has to stay 10 days for rabies quarantine. I was devestated. He followed us back to the campsite and drank beer, throwing the bottles in the bushes. I decided to stay, told him he had to go. He went home, we finished camping. He was very lonely andcalled alot to see how we were. When I came home, I arranged for the kids to go with a friend. I told him we had to separate. He begged for 1 more chance but I said no.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
It's hard to stay strong and "stick with it". He is very sorry and naturally a pleasure to be around now that he understands I mean it. I slept by myself and it was very hard. He is sleeping in another room. He wants to do that because renting right now is too expensive and he thinks it will make a difference but I don't. I am afraid no one will rent to him, he has pulled alot of debt and has a fixed income that doesn't cut it. He also is not actively looking for an apartment. Basically I think I will have to find him one, do all the paperwork, and move his stuff there myself. How is that for not being controlling? I don't want him in the house, he doesn't contribute to a positve lifestyle. He is making my kids and I watch him doe slowly.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Whoaa whoa whoa.... you'll have to find him an apartment, do the paperwork, move him in yourself..... blah blah blah.... RJ!!!!!!!
RJ your job is not to feal sorry for him. These are the consequences of his actions... if you make it soft and easier for him, YOU take away HIS opportunity to learn and grow. Just say NO to enabling!
otherwise, I'm very proud of you, girl... this is a big step into giving yourself and children a healthy environment to grow up in.
much love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
furthermore, the town sheriff can help you out if he decides to procrastinate... you can always tell him,
Look, do you want to get your stuff packed and leave on your own, or have the sheriff help you with timeframe.
(((hugs)))
ps. i do know it doesn't feel good, all of this; i had to make it black and white in my mind to get through it.... my wife had to leave, so that sanity and clarity could be restored.
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am sorry the dog is in the pound. If he got in jail for a DUI, I am wondering how he got out the next day? It is really hard to get disentangled from A's. I had to leave my exAH to save myself. You have your kids ot think of as well. Watching the slow suicide is more than most of us can bare.
Sticking to your boundaries can be tough, especially if you wre like me & threatened and didn't follow through in the past. I learned to hold tight and follow through on what I say.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well, I don't want to find him squat. He offered to go. I told hime, either he leaves or I do. He said he would. I have to admit, it's easier for me...if he actually leaves. I'm not opposed to getting an apartment, I can make the best of it. I'm thinking if he doesn't start making calls and packing his stuff, I have to go. I don't know how to call the sherrif and make him go, we are not divorced (yet). What legal grounds do I have to do that? Maybe I just need to call, but basically it is the whole restraining order issues...man I hope it doesn't come to that. He agreed to make it easier on the girls he would just go. But he's not, it's so obvious.
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 15:09, 2008-08-17
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I am new to this but can offer what I just went through with my ABF who would not leave after repeated attempts of me threatening, screaming and crying and even taking his stuff in bags to him at work. I made a plan; in my head and on paper of how I would get it done. That helped me focus on logistics (where my son could go the night this was to happen, who I could stay with because he ended up sleeping on my deck, and what I would tell myself so he wouldn't sweet talk himself back in as he had in the past). It was hard!! I wanted to take care of him; find him an apartment, make all the arrangements etc but as CJ said above, if you take away this chance for him to learn and grow, he will gain nothing. I stood firm and he has been out for 2 months. The first 2 weeks he stayed on a couch at a friend's house and drank himself into oblivion. He then swallowed his pride and is with his parents. He has since realized he doesn't want to live like that and is making changes to his life to be sober on his own with no interference from me. Whether or not he comes back is up to ME and what I want and don't want in my life. I have set clear boundries and have not wavered (being here has made that possible for me....thank you everyone). Deciding what you can no longer live with is difficult but with strength from this program you can make the choices you need to make and live the way you choose. Best of luck and prayers dd
Oh I need help. This arrangement of seperate bedrooms really isn't that different from before. He is trying not to drink and asked me to take his keys so he doesn't drive anywhere. I said no way, and reminded him to call for apartments. Night #2 of out "separation" now.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Remember that most active A's are looking for doing the "bare minimum to allow their lives NOT to change", and his actions seem to be a great example of this exact thing.... The fact that he drank at the campsite, literally hours after getting a DUI..... then the fact that he says he will still drink, but "control it"..... just boggles the uncluttered mind.....
I don't know what to say, other than <<<<<<<<RJ>>>>>>>>>
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
RJ, the only person you have any control over is yourself (and your children).
My ESH is to get out yourself. Take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. If leaving is not impossible, I would do it. He is clearly not capable of doing the work it takes to find a new home despite what he may say (he won't do it, he is not doing it). You have asked him. This is where its gotten you.
Hp will take excellent care of you if you choose to go, you know this already. Hugs, J.
