The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The Glue That Holds It Together! It makes me sick!!!
I am tired of being the glue! My A had a court date today which stemed from an arguement with the neighbors. He left his cash at home and asked me to bring it to him so that he could bond out. I was at work. I didn't get in an uproar, but it did make me nervous. I did bring him his money. I don't look at this like a set back because in the past I would have gone to court with him. But I still didn't competely detach.
I was glad to leave work....I was already handling something else that took all my energy. I needed to get away from work.
I am tired of being the one who sees to it that we having running water, electricity or anything else for that matter. Today I made a payment on our cell phone bills and I think I entered the wrong account number. The cell phone company took my $500 out of my checking account, but didn't post it to my cell phone account, sooooooo, I have spent the other 1/2 of my day explaining my situation to the cell phone company and the bank. Needless to say...no resolution until about 14 days.
Is everything in life this complicated being married to an A? This is the 1st thing in a long time that has affected me this way. I don't know what alanon tools to use to help me with the cell phone issue. I have used patience, I have not gotten rude or ugly to anyone, and I have been presistant in calling back trying to find the right person who can assist me. I have been in "cell phone jail" being transferred from department to department for about 3 hours. I am more mad at my A for not being responsible ANYWHERE in his life.
I am so frustrated with my A. I don't need a dime from him financially. I need his time, I need him to be responsible, I need him to wonder how we have water, electricity or even this stupid cell phone that he doesn't answer when I call him. I don't even know if I need or want any of that from him.
The kind of detachment that appeals to me is a life without him in it. But would that just be running from the issues of being in love with an A? Because no matter what I do........he is always gonna act like he is perfect and treat life like he is always on vacation.
*Is everything in life this complicated being married to an A?*
In my experience it was and it was frustrating and emotionally draining. I needed him for all of the sames things that you wrote about, but what I have realized in Al-Anon is that while the A is active, they simply are incapable of fulfilling those needs. So, I was beating my head against a wall everytime I expected something from him that he couldn't give me. And I kept doing it for years and continued to be disappointed--what's the saying about insanity??
I had to accept that if I continued to seek those things from my AH that I would continue to be left wanting. So, I had to learn to stop looking to him for certain things. It made my daily life a little easier because I wasn't setting myself up for disappointment. What makes it difficult for me is when a resentment develops instead of acceptance. The program has taught me, however, how to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean." I continue to get better at using my words and setting boundaries and I keep living my program "one day at a time."
My AH is sober, but I remember the feelings so well. And, while he is not drinking, he is still an A and we just have a different set of issues to deal with.
I really just wanted to tell you that I understand because I have been there, done that, and to encourage you to hang in there, be gentle with yourself, and to keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I appreciate your post. My AHsober is somewhat financially responsible. Howeve, on all other accounts he has only his best interest at heart. I spent over twenty years working on our little family. Limit the TV, limit the sugar, "let's all do something together as a family", let's work on the yard, let's not work and take a family vacation. And he says no we can't afford it but goes and buys a larger TV, golf clubs, etc. Since our boys are grown it has even become more one sided and self centered. The ultimate being that he just left. He says he doesn't care if he sees his kids but once or twice a year. Did I sacrifice for the good of all? Yes. Did anyone notice? No. Is the disease of alcohoism selfish? Yes. So I just try to focus on myself, go to lots of meetings, read the literature. It try not to stay in my victim role.
Life does seem complicated. In Alanon they say this too shall pass.
I, too, am the glue that holds it all together here. Though my A makes the money, (which he likes to point to me on a regular basis) I am currently awaiting a disability hearing and working part time, I am the one who handles the financial aspects of running our home. I open the bills, though a couple are in his and/or both our names, and I am the one who has to figure out who gets what when. It gets especially difficult when he only gives me a small portion of his paycheck to work with. The lease is in both our names, the utilities in mine, cell phone his, insurance his, car payment both, though the car was a "gift" to me for xmas a few years back. Had I known then what I know now, I never would have accepted this gift, there are always strings attached "if you leave me, you can pay for the car...etc." Since without the car, I have no means for transportation, I stay, ditto with the apt., cant afford the rent alone. I long for the day that I can be financially independent of him and stand on my own two feet. I am praying every day that that day comes soon. I know in my mind I am working towards TOTAL independence, I just wish the rest of me would catch up. I feel like right now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Thank you for your replies. I really needed to hear what each of you have shared.
SLS, I think what caused me to meltdown today was the fact that for so long, i was holding it together and i expected nothing because I was used of getting nothing. Thing is...I never accepted it and I have TONS and I mean TONS of resentment!
Mike and Jeannie...did I scarafice for the good of all, did anyone notice? I am constantly asking myself that over and over. Fortunately for me, I am not financially dependent on him. I don't have children and I am financally okay. In my mind I am always "leaning" towards TOTAL seperation, I just wish my mind and my heart would agree.
And Jean...It is very clear that when I have been away (legally seperate) from myA, that I was okay. Its when I am with him that I get all messed up keeping myself together.
I am working the steps, I am using the tools here. I know my goal is for me to get myself well, what i don't know is will my life include him in it or not. I am having so much trouble of letting that go and giving it to my HP to worry about.
In my own experience, had I waited for my mind and heart to agree, I never would have gotten anywhere in my recovery, whether it was walking away from the now deceased ex AH or the AD.
I tended to set unrealistic expectations in order to make decision. If the time was 'perfect', then I would do whatever it was I was struggling with.
For me, the perfect time never came.
I had to put faith in my higher power, and step forward despite the discomfort that beckoned me to fall back into more comfortable and dysfunctional behaviors.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
