The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and I have no idea how I am going to handle it right now.
Things have not been good between us recently because he basically stops drinking when we come down and then starts right back up as soon as we leave.
This has been the trend now for over a year. He "recognizes" that he has a problem but will not go to AA or even to a doctor to help him through the withdrawls. In his words "If I can't fix it myself, it ain't getting fixed".
Well fixing it in his mind I guess is, drink until someone comes and gives him grief. Stop while they are there visiting and then start right back up once they are gone.
Right now I feel alot of walls building between us. We were never really close to begin with even though he is my Dad, but right now I just flat out don't trust him and feel very awkward even talking to him right now.
My mom said after the 4th of July fiasco he decided to stop again but like I said in the opening paragraph he will not go to AA or even see a doctor. She attends al-anon meetings and is basically trying to work on her detachment.
Her feeling right now is that he is trying and thinks he is not drinking. She won't go looking for booze to dump anymore, she just goes about her life.
So I guess basically do I just go about this visit like nothing is going on and everything is hunky-dory. I just feel right now going down there to visit with my wife and kids, is that there are going to be some very awkward moments because of the anger and dissapointment that I feel right now towards him.
All I want is to go the beach and have a nice visit without this turning into another battle.
Shawn, Sometimes it is easy to forget that we are dealing with a disease. The disease is in control and does not allow you to have the relationship you would love to have with your Dad. It is easy to say if he would get just help, if he would just change, you could have a normal father/son relationship.
You state that your Dad stops while you are there and starts back as soon as you leave. In his own way he is probably doing that for you, and with the grip that alcohol has on his life, those two of three days fighting the disease are most likely a one hour, or one minute at a time battle. In his eyes I'm sure he sees that as a huge accomplishment for himself.
You also state that your mother goes to Al-Anon and is working the program. She deals with your Dad, her AH, 24 hours everyday. Using the tools she has learned in the program, acceptance, faith, detachment, the serenity prayer, turning him over to her HP, contuning to go to meeting, her life is better. She has unlearned all the things she was doing she thought would help or stop your Dad from drinking. Your Dad does not want help, so we can only help ourselves as you can see your mother has been doing in the Al-Anon program.
It is evident the hurt, resentment, and feeling of loss you have because of this disease. You do not mention where you attend Al-Anon meetings or not. If you don't please start. Go to as many meeting as you can between now and Labor Day. Read all the litature you can. Talk to the members in the group you attend. Ask for their ESP. Continue posting here. That might seem like a lot to ask of someone, and when it is all said and done your Dad will most likely be the same active alcoholic who will not drink while you are visiting. But, you will be a different person who will look at the overall situation in a completely different manner. Give it a try, do it for you. RLC
I know how hard it is to go and not expect certain things. To know that certain things will be certain ways. Like they always are. I know for me, I had to begin to imagine things differently. To leave it open and not expect anything at all. To try to have some fresh eyes. This was very very hard. But I did manage to shift it over. I still struggle with this. Here is my prayer: "Let me see him as you do" hugs, J.
Hello Shawn , in the big book of Alcoholics anonymous there is a paragraph on acceptance which states that acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today . I don't have to like it or condone it or agree with what is going on I just have to accept that I cannot change it. A week at the beach sounds wonderful and u have every one u love ther with you , mom , wife and children , and of course your dad . enjoy . He is who he is Shawn love him and hate the disease. have a great holiday . Louise
you can choose to see him, and accept, deal with, surrender to or battle with his alcoholism
or
you can choose NOT to see him, choose not to accept that behavior, choose not to deal with, choose not to surrender or battle with his alcoholism
Alcoholism is a family disease, and it does/will affect everyone in the family that interacts with the alcoholic.
I didn't choose to have alcoholism in my family, but I do choose whether I become enmeshed in it.
Knowing that I am affected by it, I choose to not subject my family or myself to people who are toxic. It is sad that they are toxic, but that is their decision. I've asked them to get help, and offered to show them where, but that is the end of the road. They have to make the choice. Until they make that choice, I will stay detached.
It is not fair that your Dad isn't "available". But that is how it is. I urge you, instead, to find comfort and understanding by those who are available...
It is your choice.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I feel alot better knowing that my mom is going to the al-anon meetings. I was more upset with what alcholism was doing to her than what the disease was doing to my father.
I seriously gave alot of thought to just detaching completely from the situation but after giving it alot of though I felt like in the long run pulling my wife and three kids would hurt my mother just as much in the long run and I couldn't live with that.
What I feel is that just like the alcoholic we also have to take things one day at time. So we will go down there and just deal with things as the situation presents itself. If things get out of hand then we will leave and head home and try again on Thanksgiving.
There is no use in getting angry anymore. I have used up all my anger. Now I'll just sit, wait and hope for the best. If the weekend goes well then great, we will all have had a good time. If it doesn't well then we just move on from that point.
