The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am one year out from letting the A go. Last September I had finally had it and found a place (albeit barely on survival) and cut my losses with the A. Well I took huge huge losses. But I took on both my dogs and just let go (sigh!). Of course I still helped him some after that but it was not to be for much longer. Last September I was at the end of my tether, barely sleeping, barely holding it together, fragile and just about holding myself together.
I'm one year on, a lot of water has gone under the bridge. No fairy tale ending here. Life is super hard, super super super difficult. I've been working with an agency for a while, called and called and called to get resources. This woman promised a necessary reference would be with the counselor yesterday. I get there and it isn't. I would have fallen apart in the past over things like that. Now I go on and keep moving. Another notch in dealing with frustration and more and more frustration. I am going to be so good at dealing with frustration and blind allies some days.
Life is incredibly hard for me still. I juggle so many balls and work so many hours I am dizzy with fatigue. I have nothing, nothing materially. I have a lot spiritually. I am as lonely as hell. I don't see a break for a long time ahead (if I'm realistic). I've had some incredibly hard times. I have had to re group and regroup and regroup again. My boundaries are an evolving force. I have them. I had none before. I have a vision of what I need. I certainly don't have anything like what I need. I am barely making it really.
Yet on so many levels I have moved mountains and my one solid resource, the place I can always come to day in day out no matter what is al anon.
Maresie- You should be so proud of yourself, how far you have come. It takes so much courage and inner strength to overcome the ostacles you have. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, (which is actually alot of the time:) I read my Just for Today bookmark, when I'm done I just smile and let myself be. Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Thank you all for your feedback. I am looking at it that it is probably going to take me all of 5 years to get to a better more balanced place. I am one year in. That's one fifth of the way. I know I will be a much different person in a year.
Maresie, you have changed a lot. So have I- I see growth in each and every one of us who comes here regularly and who work the al-anon program. Its so incredible and miraculous. Thank you for being a great boost in my own recovery through this board. I think we hit the wall at about the same time and are emerging at somewhat similar rates, it seems, sometimes. I have been feeling like the 5 year plan, too- glad to be working along side of you in a different part of the country- so grateful that all of us can connect through MIP! Hugs, J.
Thank you all for your wonderful support. Sometimes I feel like I am pedalling uphill then I remember I've already come a long long way. I just have to be in "survival" for a while longer. I can do that. I know it is not as bad as "crisis".
