The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Finally after a year of wondering about the A, and back to crying over love songs.....missing my husband, I listened to my heart and went to see him.
I had no expectations. All I knew was I could not call him, and I am sure he is not opening my letters.
Needed to get a dose to get me to see again,that my AH who used to be so cool, is dead.
I relate to you who want him back, or long for him or her. One day I was in a parking lot, next thing I knew I was on my way to the apt. where he is with this very sick woman.
I prayed to hp to please be with me and help me to act appropriately and not get upset.
Well I knocked and knocked then rang and rang....too bad, get off your bum and get to the door. She answers, tells me he is not there. I told her she looked pretty good, but I could tell she felt awful.Living with breast cancer.
Anyway I said J I hate to bug you when I know you are sick, but I am going to keep coming back until I talk to him.
I wanted to know what wishes he has when he dies, let him know i have all his important papers, etc. Wanted to discuss the up coming divorce in January of zero nine.
Anyway, all of a sudden she is pushed away and a horrible smell of alcohol and cigarettes and death comes to the door,him. He yells," you have two minutes and I am calling the cops."
I said I have done nothing wrong, then he says he is going to call again, me,so? He wobbles over to the phone, picks it up,suppose to scare me I guess. I told him go ahead, I don't care, all I need is to talk about business things.
He yells you will get your papers in the mail. I said no I won't you never do anything. He is seething at the door, smelly, gross, unbathed, ugly, nothing like my handsome man who I loved how he had a scent of natural cedar. He wanted to push me down the stairs, I could see the wildness and insanity in his eyes.
When he sees I am not even scared of him, he hates that, he slams the door and locks it. OHHHhh big bad scarey devout mellow, loving, happy Jehovah's witness!! I am not a cut off jeans, dirty t shirt person. Not that is bad. My point is I am a lady. I am the last scariest person with rosie cheeks. lol
Nope I was not upset,nope did not cry.Seeing him, only killed off that longing feeling again. I needed that big time. For me, when I love someone, it never stops.
I care and love him very much, the poor man is so so sick. ick. NO one can believe he is still alive. Blows us all away. He has done every drug imagineable, and has been addicted to everything.He had the brain surgery, was in the viet nam war, on and on. Horribly abused as a kid.
So I got my reality clonk in the head, haha. In a way it made me feel better. At least he is not aware of anything anymore. I doubt he ever misses me, or us anymore.Such a short space of time in his life he was on a program and my loving husband.
But I was blessed by my hp Jehovah to marry him and be with him when he was at his best.
So I came back, after hitting GoodWill and had more energy and motivation.
The disease has NO hold on me anymore.
And I got myself a present, a new tiny poo shi puppy, poodle and shih tzu.He is a black bundle of fun, thinks he is big as everyone here. Never knew a little dog could make me laugh so much, wrestles with Curt the siamesy ragdoll kitten,sleeps by luster the pot pig.
he is nine weeks old, always by me but also very much secure and running all over eden. I named him,"Happy." smile smile.
Ya know how you say afraid and ya feel afraid? Well guess what happens when you say,"happy?"
(((((((debilyn)))))))My heart both breaks and rejoices for you. You saw what you needed to see. Something tells me that you will still always love him and don't be surprised if awhile down the road, you wonder again. That's not unusual. But - you got to see first hand the true, true, true HORRORS of this disease. HP let you get your peek. It's as ugly as you knew it was. The man that you knew as your sweet husband truly is gone - and you can hold that relationship dear to you and give it over to HP for safekeeping.
Thanks for sharing your story. It's truly one of your experience, strength, and hope.
That's a great reminder post Debilyn.... how many times on here do we read about A's who are abusive, unavailable, mean, self-centered, etc., etc., and then we also read where WE, as the Al-Anons, are saying "I soooo miss him/her".....
I had to be reminded - almost by a hammer on the head - by my counselor that "Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what - yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!!!!"
My wise old sponsor used to remind me all the time - deal with the whats, not the whys, or what-ifs.
When we start a sentence with "he/she is really a great person WHEN they are sober"..... and then are honest with ourselves in that they are rarely sober, it kind of defeats the reality of the situation.....
Good for you in validating this for yourself, and hopefully that visit can bring you some peace/closure on him....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Debilyn, your post was so heart-breaking. Really. It was painful to read. This disease is so horrible and it gets so much worse with age...you have so much courage and spirit. thank you for this post. hugs, J.
I am glad that your HP sent to "Happy". An alacholic and a cancer patient, hu? If thats not the angel of death in that relationship. Lucky for you the disease doesn't have a hold on your anymore. I admire your strength and courage.
and had more energy and motivation. 