The material presented
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Last night I had this conversation on the phone with a guy I chatted with on the internet and again I think I'm doomed to be alone until I leave this place... BUT The interesting thing was that the guy started talking about how he was going to get back together with his ex girlfriend and when I asked him why she was his "ex" he said drinking... Then I asked if she was an alcoholic and he says I don't know about that but went on to describe her not being able to stop once she started drinking. Then he went on to say... he was going to tell her or he did tell her that she could only drink two nights a week. And I got creepy chills all over and felt really irked.
First off, how dare he presume to think that he can dictate to someone else what they will and wont do with their life. He went on to say that everyone can be tweaked to make them better (for him) and all I could think was *selfish b****** That would NOT be happening for me, I'd rather be alone. Alarms were sounding - control freak - control freak - And
Second... I get really irritated by someone asking me (in not so many words) to wait around for them so they can see if something will work out with someone they couldn't make it work with the first time. (This is the second time that's happened to me). As if I don't have anything else going on... Makes me feel like not only do you see me as not good enough for you but I'm not even as good as someone you couldn't get along with before! Like I would even be available even if I was available!!!
Then I realized this used to be me...
Boy have I changed!
Please god send me an intelligent man who's not from around here (that's implied by the intelligent request), tall, handsome and mad about me! He has a job and doesn't live with his parents. I can keep hoping right? Geez my standards have declined! LOL
Hmmmm...first of all CG, his asking her to limit drinking to two nights a week is like pi***** in the wind, but he is still ignorant about how alcoholism works. I remember trying these silly ideas myself.
Second, he is not being any more controlling than anyone else who sets a boundary. A boundary, after all, IS an attempt to control. Think of any boundary you like; in either an overt, covert, or obtuse way, it is set in an attempt to give us the upper hand.
Poor guy sounds like I used to. No idea in hell how to deal with alcoholism. I cannot help but feel sorry for him, and the wisest choice for him is probably to move on now before he becomes more ensnared.
Meanwhile, keep hoping for that perfect guy. He may be closer than you think.
With great caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You would have had to hear the conversation I guess. He just rubbed me the wrong way. And not to mention the fact that he was acting like he was interested in me and then tells me this whole long story about his ex girlfriend and how he's gonna tell her that she can only drink two nights a week and how she called and said I'm having a glass of wine with my dinner and I wanted to puke... please don't ever let me have to call and report to some man every minutiae of my life!!! I'm having wine with dinner... does that count???? oh please I'm so needy....
Anyway. I guess I have always been independent but now I'm even more so.
Hmmmm.... aside from his cluelessness, might be an opportunity to say something like, well, I have found trying to set limits on someone else's drinking doesn't work - what HAS worked for me is to go to alanon.
Opportunity for him to follow through or not; meanwhile you learn a little more about what you are & aren't looking for.
Control freak!! Control freak!! Control freak!!! Perhaps you should mail him an anonomous packet of information about Alanon. I think from your conversation with him its time for you to run! Thats just my opinion but any man that thinks he can set boundaries or control another person is actually clueless about reality. What else will he attempt to control? If you had a relationship with him, would he need to grant you permission to do the things your accustomed to doing?
Never feel that you are doomed to be alone. I've been there, done that. When you least expect something is when it usually comes into your life. Never give up hope, your perfect match is out there! Look at me, I was stuck in a relationship with my ex A bf for years. Always hoping he'd "get better". Then I let go of that and low and behold a wonderful man walked into my life.
Working the Alanon program has made me a stronger person and it sounds like it has made you one also. Never give up!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Please,CG....did you tell him what he just said and did to you? I mean, talk about a narcisstic control freak. He's just another wierdo. I am believeing that there are more wierdos than regulars. Stinks but good for you for not giving up!!!! I swear, the "boys" I have dated recently never made it past puberty mentally. EW!!! I do NOT find 14 yr olds hot. GAG!!! They are so akward and selfish..not at all like the gentlemen I am used to LOLOLOLOL!!!! I mean, that I read about. I hate going out and having to totally hold up conversation because if I don't they start talking about themselves and that is fun for about a second. Ofcourse they all want to date me again...I keep things fun and interesting. Man, they must be really bored when I'm not around!!! LOLOLOL!!!
Keep trying CG!!!! And for every freak you turn away, give yourself a big hug for knowing the difference now!!!!
Good for you - instead of wondering if he likes you, you are realizing that you don't like him! I agree, the "stay on the hook until I see if i can make this other thing work out" is highly insulting. I also know that there have been times when I put up with something that looked suspiciously just like that...
Sounds like this poor guy is desperately in need of al-anon. I can't help but feel kinda sorry for him, because if he doesn't open his eyes soon, he's destined to go down the long road that so many of us wandered for so long. You're a wise one for seeing things so clearly, though, and realizing that he's not the one that you need to be hanging around for.
I agree with Diva, the right guy for you might be closer than you think. Not sure why you're discounting folks close by!
I read your previous post. I really admire the progress that you have made. I am so alone now for three years. But my sons are grown and am not having do those things alone. I hope to be where you are having the Plan A and B and accepting what is. I don't have to deal with men either. But it does get better.
Been there done that. I do have tremendous alarms now. In fact I am going to cancel a date tonight because I am simply not up to it. I am also extremely "picky" these days. Anyone remotely pushy gets screened out. I would far rather be alone than deal with that. I was considering last night whether I was going to reach out to someone who went on a push initiative after he dated me once. I decided this morning not to.
I am so glad for you that you see this. You no longer "wait" around. You no longer entertain craziness. I did for years. I know where it got me to the present place, total survival!