The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote here last week asking for advice on how to stop hating the alcoholic in my life. I was gearing up to go to an Al-Anon meeting or get some counselling, but now I'm saying to with it. I saw some things my mother wrote for her therapy group, and I am SAVAGE. There was a lot on there that made me mad, but one thing really blew my top. I was born with some bad physical defects that took A LOT of work to 'fix', but still was left with permanent damage. I always thought I won the end of the genetic lottery, but I just found out that my mother drank all through her pregnancy with me. I can't help but wonder if that was the cause. BUT it gets even better. I found out a few weeks ago I have to go back to the surgeon due to a complication from the damage. Well, my mother has been using that to draw pity and attention from eveyone about how her poor daughter might become a cripple, but she HASN'T EVEN CALLED ME TO SEE HOW I'M DOING. Then, she throws a pity party with her AA buddies about how woe is she because she thinks she caused it all, but if she was really sorry, wouldn't she tell me? I can't stand her and her drama. I hate that she's the one who caused all the problems and can't even apologize for ANYTHING. I feel guilty for thinking this way about her, but I also think that I shouldn't because I have EVERY reason to be mad.
Sometimes I wonder if her 'therapy group' is actually causing some of this. They say that it's not her fault she drank and did those horrible things becasue alcoholism is a disease and you can't help getting diseases.
Oh, I doubt if they are saying that - not in AA anyway. However, that might be what she is hearing - alcoholics are capable of always hearing what they want to hear, and ignoring what they don't.
I hope you don't give up on your own recovery - not for her sake, but for your own. All this rage and hate has to find a way to flow through you, rather than staying inside and poisoning other relationships. Alanon can help with that - lord knows we know how hateful A's can be.
Looking for validation from an A is like going to the dry well over and over again and expecting to find some water. There isn't any way.
Don't look for your own image in a shattered mirror, hon. It's useless and fruitless. Feel your feelings, find an appropriate outlet for them and get to a meeting.
Just like A's need meetings, so do we. Denial is a tricky thing. If you attend, it will be 1 point for the good guys and 0 points for alcoholism (the disease).
Keep coming here, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Alcoholics are dysfunctional people. We didn't choose those as family members, they just are. It is out of our control.
I choose to lean on the friends of my choosing, who I know care for me and do not have those narcissistic qualities. The people who I choose to call "my family" don't use me. They don't guilt me. They don't manipulate me or my feelings. We hold each other accountable for our own happiness.
It is okay to be angry, frustrated, and sad. It is part of being human. But holding onto these emotions can do some real damage... so I call on those people I trust, like my family here, and at my home group; they will listen without judging me, and enable me to get the "junk" out of my head and into the open.
It is always very hard for me to accept the difficult things my God puts into my life; when I realize that I do not have any control over it, I can usually turn it over to my Higher Power and concentrate on the things I can do to bring joy, peace and serenity in my life.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
with it.