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Hi Family, You may recall my post from the other day about AH being home from rehab and me being terribly unhappy about it. While I try to work my program to the best of my ability, I do know that attitude, and how I react to things plays an important role in my recovery. Could it be that he's lied to me so much over the years, put me down, blame games, talked to people about me like a dog, guilted me into things, manipulated his way each and every time, and came home from rehab last year and was sober for only 3 months, that maybe deep down I am projecting? I readily admit I have no faith in him, don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth and know there will be relapses (that I truly don't want to deal with AT ALL anymore), plus I loved not being w/him for the past couple of weeks. I also know that while I am not angry at him at all, I do harbor some resentment, which I am trying to work on. After all, I shouldn't resent him for the things he's done, I had choices - I could have left a long time ago but chose not to. Yesterday I told him I wish he'd leave, that I was happier without him, that I didn't like his attitude, etc. He said to me that he knows he's done alot to me, and it's gonna take time to get it back. I told him I don't know him anymore. He said for the past two years he didn't even know himself. He's been going to meeting nightly since he came home, but I still feel he's just trying to smooth things over for a while, just the way he's always done. Have any of you been in this position before, with your A coming out of rehab, etc.? Have any words of wisdom for me on how to get thru this?
I don't have any experience with AH coming home from rehab as mine is still in denial. Just wanted you to know that there will be others soon who will have ESH for you. In the meantime, click the Search above and enter "return from rehab" and you will find past posts on this subject that may be of help.
In Support, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Once trust is lost it takes a long time to regain it regardless of which side your on.
I don't know that this counts as wisdom or not but one thing that helped me a lot was...
Say what you mean Mean what you say, but Don't be mean about it.
I had to repeat that to myself almost hourly some days but eventually it became second nature and things got better.
also... Forgiveness is not Forgetting it's letting go of the pain.
I learned that if I could accept that these things were in the past and my hanging onto them was not doing anyone any good, most of all me, then I could let go of the pain and then forgive. No it did not happen overnight but slowly and surely it did happen.
Recently during a conversation with my sponsor I was telling her about an incident where someone had harmed me and how much it hurt. She said "The deed is already done, there's nothing you can do to undo it but you can let it go and move on. Energy is best used for today and the future but when spent on yesterday it is wasted."
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
He was stark raving sober--going to meetings but not working a recovery program.
I was going to Al-Anon meetings--crying and venting, but not working a recovery program.
We went to MC but it was pointless at that time--we each were struggling to save ourselves and that made it impossible to work on our relationship at that time.
We continued to relate in the same dsyfunctional way so, there was no real communication, I was RAW from all of the terrible things that had happened and he didn't know which way was up and which was down (an Al-Anon book that really helped me is called "Living with Sobriety"). In fact, shortly after he came home, we were fighting just like we did before he got sober. The only difference was that nothing got broken and no one got hit. So, he moved out and I thought my life was over--wasn't it all supposed to be perfect if he just got sober??
Things didn't change for me until I decided that I had to get better for me, regardless of what he did or how our relationship played out. So, I got a sponsor and started working the Steps. I started doing some service work and got out of my head and got busy with my hands. I supplemented by Al-Anon recovery with some IC with someone who is very familiar with recovery. And, I started to get better. As I worked through the Steps, I identified by resentments, figured out my role (if any) and started to let them go. I slowly began to rebuild my self-esteem and my sense of myself. Time helped ease the pain over the AH's behavior while he was active so that I wasn't so raw and I was better able to listen to the new person.
Things got better between us after he also got a sponsor and started working the Steps and doing service work. He decided that he wanted to be sober and happy--he wanted the Promises of the AA--so he started to do the work.
That being said, it has been a slow process. I do the footwork that I need to do and I leave the timing up to my HP. We have been separated almost 3 years, but we are closer as a couple than we have ever been and it is a blessing!! We communicate in a healthy way. Each time that he follows through with a committment to me, my trust in him grows a little more. He will probably move back in sometime in the next month or so and I know that none of it would be possible if I hadn't let him go and decided that I wanted to live a better life for myself--that I did not want to be bound by the guilt and shame of the past.
So, I go to meetings, I am active in service and I continue to try to practice all of the principles of the program in my daily life.
Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. No one could have ever prepared me for how difficult it was when my AH first came home from rehab. Keep the focus on you and your own recovery and keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Keep my mouth shut, biting my tongue if necessary (it often was).
Pay VERY close attention to what was "my stuff" and what was "his stuff", and STAY OUT OF HIS RECOVERY.
Go to LOTS of meetings and/or online chats/boards to keep myself on track and have a place to air the resentments where I COULD be heard.
(Later, I learned that there were times when I needed to say something for myself - but frankly, I think just keeping my mouth shut was probably better for both of us at the time he first got out of rehab.)
Indifference is a terrible way to live , not carring either way harms us alot and waiting for the next shoe to drop is painful . Support his efforts at sobreity by attending al anon meetings for yourself , get the focus on yourself where it belongs , If u can wait a few months before making any hasty changes in your life try our program for 3-4 months and see how u feel then . Now is the time to start living your life again , leave him to AA and God and let Al-Anon take care of you . this room is great the board is ok too but nothing replaces real meetings with real people with skin on em . hehe. u need support . goodluck and enjoy the sober days its what we prayed for for along time , Remember ?
Don't expect too much from yourself or him in sobriety just be. Louise
Queenie,what all this alanon business has done for me is this.
I don't trust or distrust. If A came home great if not, he didn't. I took one day at a time. Never setting myself up or him with expectations. We have no control over what another person does.
They are very sick. Alcoholism is a horrible disease they never are cured from. If our A's had brain cancer, I am sure we would not blame them for anything. It is easy for some reason to not keep in mind how very sick they are. The fact of the matter is, an A cannot be trusted.
The nature of the disease makes them impossible to trust. I would never put myself in that position of ignorance again and trust an A.
Doing the same thing, expecting a different result is insanity. So why go the same route? What would make us set our selves up again? That is what made me use alanon skills and also change how I am with an A. I actually do not trust anyone or distrust them. People are who they are,no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes.
for me I always say if they show up they do. If they said they were going to do something, i hope they do but if they don't, oh well, I have NO control over that.
All we can do is love them.If you look up what different books say about love, you will see or feel what love is. take what you want. much love,debilyn
Our rehab experience was a fiasco, and one I am sure won't be duplicated, but I can tell you what I learned.
First of all, the facility strongly suggested to everyone that the As not go home. Instead they suggested a sober home of some sort. I absolutely see the logic in that now. I know I expected sobriety to solve many issues, and I was surprised and hit hard that it didn't. I had no idea it was only the first step of a very long journey.
Second, my AH put me in the position of "policeman" and I was more than happy to take the job. BIG MISTAKE, as it only made him feel like a child and fueled resentments (as if he really needed more).
Third, thinking he was a "new man" I believed what he said. This absolutely is where "watch what he does and not what he says" comes into play.
Fourth, I tried to get him to open up and work on our marriage. I have heard since then that a newly sober A is just hanging on to stay sober,and to expect them to think about or work on anything else is fruitless. Thus, this is where working on ourselves comes into play.
Lastly, he did not want to be associated with Aism in any way. It wasn't too long before he convinced himself that he wasn't like the others, that he got drunk because he wanted to not because he couldn't control it, that quitting drugs and alcohol was a piece of cake, and didn't need a program. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG!!!!
I know three couples who have made it through sobriety. One couple was separated for 5 years while he lived in a clean and sober house. In the second situation, she reports she just hung out and waited since she didn't have kids and under the circumstances she could. She immersed herself in program and worked on herself. Both she and her AH say that it does get better, but it is a slow process and you just have to wait it out if you can. The third case involved my good friend who was addicted to pain meds. After rehab, her husband stopped drinking too and made it very clear if she so much as took a sip or a pill, that she would be out and lose her family. She knew he would follow through (for he kicked her out of the house and didn't let her come back til she went to rehab) and claims she really was scared sober.
So, that is my E, S and H, for what it's worth. If I could do it over I would err on the side of being conservative. Coming back together is way less chaotic and painful than being torn apart again. There is much truth to the saying, "an A can't go back to an old idea". Rehab doesn't fix them or change them, it just plants a seed. It is how it it is nurtured that determines if it will sprout a flower or a weed.
Good luck to you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Queenie: When my husband came home from rehab, I wasn't living in our home. I was in an apartment. However, I did come out to our home on the weekends. I now live back in our home.
We've been married for 35 years. He has been sober for almost 1 year. It will be 1 year Aug. 31.
I understand the lack of trust. I struggled with it, too. Right after rehab, I was hyper-vigilant. I'd watch for some sign of impairment due to drinking, such as walking a little off balanced. It did bother me that I was always on the lookout for signs. Prior to rehab, he'd make so many promises and lied countless times. I learned to not trust him.
I eventually decided that I couldn't live my life that way. So, when the thought crosses my mind (is he drinking? or what if he starts again?) I just let it go. I don't dwell on it. I also remind myself that I'll deal with it when the time comes. I don't believe that I'd stay if he started up again, for I know the consequences.
Lately, I have noticed a subtle yearning for my apartment days. I enjoyed being by myself. But I do think it has something to do with getting married so young at 19 and never being out on my own. I'm not certain.
I find the most important person to trust is myself. I used to not trust myself. I doubted myself when I thought he was drinking and he told me he had not. I had so much self-doubt. It creeps in a little now. But I catch it in time and exam it now.
In my own humble experience the very best way to cope is face to face Al-Anon meetings in the district that you live. Get to as many as you possibly can over the next 90 days and sit down, listen, learn, ask for suggestions, read all the literature you can get your hands on and start practicing what you learn. "You will be amazed before you are halfway thru...."
Sure I've had experience with my AH coming out of rehab. What I didn't have was my Alanon skills. Relapse is a part of his disease. It's not uncommon. When I look back I so wished I had gone to Alanon and worked a program that first year he was home. I knew it was a disease, but I was naive in many other ways. Remember the dynamics of an active vs. sober relationship are very different.
I too liked not being in the chaos. I also knew he was safe in rehab. I always trusted him, but never the disease. When he was active there was infedility, there was the internet porn, all of that stuff. When he was sober there were difficult days. But there were also amazing days. Now that he's gone I cherish all those memories good and bad. I always loved the man. I never loved the disease he had and what it made do.
Best thing you can do for yourself is work your program. If he's doing 90 in 90 I suggest you do the same. It also might help to go to some open AA meetings. Listen to their struggle. Gain a new perspective on this horrendous disease. I went with my AH. It was one of the best things I did.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Queenie, I'm going to share a success story with you. My AH went into rehab on March 23, 2008 - my daughter's birthday/Easter. This was his 2nd time in 4 years. The first couple of weeks in rehab were rough for him - good for me. My daughter and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves without him, because he had caused so much chaos in our lives the past 10 years. We were happy! Sorry, I got off track. During the first 3 weeks in rehab, my AH insisted that he wanted to come home immediately, didn't want to take antibuse, and didn't want any boundaries set. Luckily for me, my AH has a wonderful sponsor who encouraged him to go to the 3/4 house right next to the hospital. My AH asked my opinion and of course I agreed with his sponsor. My AH stayed in the 3/4 house for a month, then moved into a halfway house for another month. He kept asking his sponsor and myself what he should do. He probably was asking his higher power to guide him also. By the time he was ready to leave the halfway house he agreed to take antibuse and live within the boundaries I had set for him. It's been almost 5 months and I know that's early recovery. He claims that he's had only 3 fleeting thoughts of alcohol, no cravings, attends meetings every day - sometimes twice a day, works the steps, chairs meetings, takes antibuse every other day now, and involves himself in service work. Do I still worry? Of course. And we still have other problems, but at least he's sober and can think things through before speaking or reacting. I'm ususally not this long-winded but I hope it helps. I would encourage your AH to get a great sponsor and take antibuse - at least to start. Hang in there.
