The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm curious why giving advice is discouraged in alanon. I've only been to one face to face meeting and part of what I didn't like about it was there was no feedback. I guess I just don't understand or haven't caught on yet.
Different meetings have different policies. We tend to give our Experience strength and hope. We have all been coulda shoulda woulda'd. I'm not sure that is helpful either.
The one thing I have learned in Al-Anon is that one person's advice will vary from another's. What works for me, may or may not work for another member in the program. There are way too many factors in a personas life to go by what happens with someone else.
Lets say your wife or husband is an alcoholic. They refuse to go to AA meetings and get recovery. One Al-Anon member would tell you to divorce him or her. Another would tell you to stick it out. And another would tell you to give them an ultimatum. Instead of telling you what you should do, they should all tell you what they have done and you pick what the best course of action is for you and your situation.
Al-Anon is a place to share, not direct. A place to feel welcomed, not cornered.
First off, welcome. Alanon is a great place for comfort, understanding and support. For me, my understanding is that no one knows what is best for you, except you. You might not receive "advice" directly, but if you give the program time, and listen to what others have been through in situations similar to yours, you will hear advice indirectly. In other words, what is right for one persons situation might be exactly what you need to hear; or the other way around, what someone else has decided for themselves might give you a different view on what would never work for you in your situation. Ultimately, we are all here for the same reason, but no one can tell another what is best for them.
I'm not aware of any Al-Anon meeting that allows or encourages giving advice. The rationale is pretty basic - we are there to help ourselves, and our serenity.... We do this by sharing our experiences, strengths, and hopes.... Sometimes these will have direct meaning and impact to you, well other times they may not.
I don't know how anyone of us could ever possibly know what one "should" do in a given situation.... Most of us are hurting when we go into those rooms, particularly for the first time - but there is a respect there - always - where you are treated with dignity, and not told what you "should" do....
In my experience, as you gain trust of others within the program, you can quite often ask for "advice" from individuals privately, and many will offer it up - on here, or one on one, but please remember that we are NOT professionals here.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In Al-Anon we are each given the dignity to make our own decisions--something that many of us were denied by the As in our lives. It is about taking control of our own lives, making decisions (with help from our HP and a sponsor) about what works in our own lives.
There are very few things that you may be "told" to do in Al-Anon. One is to make sure that you and your kids (if any) are safe--no one deserves to be abused or hurt. The other is a recommendation that you not make any major decisions about where your life is headed (should I stay or should I go?) for 6 months or so while you attend meetings, work the Steps and get your balance back. Looking back, this was such a relief for me when I first came to Al-Anon. I could barely get through the day much less make a reasoned, rational decision about my marriage, moving, changing jobs, etc. I had to take the time to learn how to breathe again, think for myself (and not the A) and be open to what my HP wanted for me before I could ACT instead of REACT.
I also know that if I had walked into my first meeting and had 10 strangers tell me what I should do, I would never have come back and I would have missed the miracle of recovery!! While there are commonalities amongst all of our stories, each story is unique. Everyone in my home group is on the same path as I am--trying to recover from the effects of alcoholism--none of them is equipped to make decisions about my life, nor should they do so. What they can do is listen to me and accept me unconditionally and share their own stories so that I can take from them what will help me on my journey.
I hope that helps and keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
For me, part of the unlearning I have to do, is believing that someone other than ME has the answers... I have a habit of putting people up on a pedestal. I am learning not to put others in the god position anymore.
But when I get with my Higher Power... by being still, meditating, praying and by listening and sharing at f2f meetings... I have been finding the answers I need. I keep going because, I figure my HP is not ready to reveal everything to me all at once. I learn a lot... just by taking the action of showing up.
I think that this process is the only way that we can truly change ourselves.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
No feedback is a way of showing respect for your feelings when was the last time anyone heard you out with out interupting ? If u listen carfully members will adress your prob and will share what worked for them to get thru it , then u can choose to try it or let it go, this prog is about getting a diff perspective , diff solutions and u choose which way to go . I personally don't want to be resonsible for anyone elses choices options i can give and leave the outcome for them . Keep going to your meetings u will realize the benefit of no advice . Louise
What turned me off to f2f meetings was, early on, hearing a desperate woman cry out, "What can I do? What can I do?" after tearfully sharing her story of living with an abusive alcoholic who physically harmed not only her but her daughter as well. There were blank looks all around, then the moderator explained, "We don't give advice here. Thanks for your share." I nearly dropped out of my seat. So cold...WHAT?????
I made up my mind then and there to let sufferers know what I might do if I were in their shoes. We must realize that most people are bright enough to put "advice" into perspective, and not to blindly follow "advice" just because it was offered. I believe that the unwritten rule of not giving advice insinuates that the receiver hasn't the sense to make up his/her own mind. And remember this...There is a big difference between telling a person what he/she SHOULD do (no no) as opposed to telling them what YOU WOULD or MIGHT do.
I chastise neither AlAnon nor the 12-step program, but I have this one disagreement.
Now what was your question??? Oh yes, why is advice discouraged in AlAnon? Frankly I haven't a clue.
Best wishes,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 23:05, 2008-08-06
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think too, that you really have to find the right meeting to fit you. Try a few different ones. The first couple of meetings I went to, no one hardly talked at all, and once this lady was crying so hard and no one said a thing - it was awful. I went to about 6 different groups before I found the one that I love! It is a crosstalk meeting, where everyone is a participant and they are involved in sharing if they want. It's great and I am grateful to have found it.
Al-anon gives plenty of suggestions/advice. Attend meetings. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Keep coming back. Let Go and Let God. Keep it Simple. Think.
Just a small sampling there .
As to not giving advice on how to live your life, many of us have "been there, done that...got the tee shirt!"
One of the biggest character defects of mine and I dare say many al-anon members has been trying to control the uncontrollable, namely the alcoholics and loved ones in our lives. We have learned the futility of that. We have learned how that robs us of our serenity and leads us down a path of obsession and self destruction. I crave solving your problems and focusing on your life over my own, just like the alcoholic craves a drink.
So we don't give advice....when we are working our programs. We share ourselves with you. We tell you our stories.
When I came into al-anon, I heard my story over and over again. No one told me how to fix my problems because no one CAN tell me how to fix my problems. What the did SHOW me was hope. What I heard from them let me know they knew what I was dealing with because they had too. What I saw was happy, loving and caring people who had been where I was. They let me know I could survive and thrive if I but picked myself up and started working on me.
So...you want my advice? Keep coming back, find a sponsor (if you haven't already) and don't leave before the miracle happens.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Welcome to Al-Anon.
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