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Hi, as I said I'm new to this,my partner is a recovering alcoholic and I am finding things difficult.He tells me I don't like him being sober which is untrue,I just didn't expect it to be so difficult for me.I like a glass of wine from time to time,we no longer live together because of his disease,but I feel as if I should give up alcohol because he has.Since he has come out of re-hab I feel he is focusing on my faults and trying to make me deal with my feelings,all this has achieved is that I feel like a failure,if we have a problem he comes back from meetings and tells me the advice he has been given,which is usually favourable towards him.This makes me slightly resentfull as there are always two sides to every problem.Has anyone else encountered these problems or am I indeed as he tells me inconsiderate?
What I have done in the past is simply that.I work my program.Thats all that matters.If our partners have a program or not and if they are working it or not, is up to them.
Im not giving you advice or telling you what to do, but to seriously help in coping, I would go to a meeting, if it were me. End of story.
Welcome and congratulations for taking steps to do something for you!! I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon meeting and give it a try. It is intended to help friends and family of alcoholics to recover from the effects of living with or loving an A. We refer to alcoholism as a family illness because it impacts all of us--not just the A. Its effects can be seen in the way we relate and communicate with each other, the way we avoid conflict, the way we enable the A, etc. Just as the A needs to recover from the physical addiction to alcohol or drugs, we need to recover from the emotional, spiritual, psychological impact it has had on us.
In early sobriety, there is a term that is kicked around alot--stark raving sober. When my AH started his recovery, he was physically sober, but he was not emotionally sober. He wasn't drinking but he continued to act as though he was--lying, manipulating, blaming, avoiding, etc. It wasn't until he got a sponsor, started working the Steps of AA and found his HP that he began to change. The hard part was that I had no control over it--when or if it happened. All I could do was to focus on myself and my own recovery. I left him to take care of his own recovery. And, when he took my inventory for me (tried to blame me and tell me that I wasn't doing something the way I should), I called him on it. In both AA and Al-Anon it is understood that we do not take each other's inventory. If he is going to meetings, has a sponsor and is working the steps, then he should know this. If, however, he is going to meetings and doing nothing else to work a program, I would not be surprised if he is taking only those things from the meetings that he needs to justify his continued selfish behavior. Once you are able to recognize that (if that is what is going on) you will be able to detach from it and let it go.
Again, welcome!! Remember the three Cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it, and keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Yep nothing like a sober alcoholic to point out our faults . not that we don't have them but Iwould rather be in my own program and figure out what they are by myself ,, after a few good arguments of pointing fingers at each other my sober husb and I decided that we don't get to take each others inventories , if there is a problem we hare it with each other , stick to the problem not what we did in the past i owe it to my self and husb to listen , because as i was told occasionally thier right . go figure .
