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Hi All, I have been w/my husband for over 23 years, 14 of which he was in recovery without a single relapse until a few years ago, and it was hell ever since. Lost his health, job and treated his family the typical way an alcoholic treats their family. In the beginning of July, I made AH leave our house after a major argument. I had no contact with him for almost 2 weeks, at which time he called me hysterical and felt he was going to die (he has severe liver disease). We got him to the hospital, and in fact, he did almost die. He had severe muscle wasting which in turn almost caused him to have renal failure and heart damage. He was in the hospital a week, after which he went to a 21 day inpatient rehab. He is getting out this Friday and very much looking forward to coming home, seeing and being with me and working on his sobriety and our marriage. He has said how much he loves me, misses me, and thanks God that I have always stuck by him. My dilemma: while I do love my husband very much, these past 6 weeks have been wonderful without him. It was a normal life. I went to work, came home, my adult sons (one lives w/me, the other lives w/his gf & son) tidied up the yard, mowed the lawn, weeded the garden. I had my grown kids and grandkids over on weekends, BBQ's and everyone had such a pleasant time. That's the way I'd always pictured it to be when my kids were grown and I was a grandparent. I know, however, things will change when AH comes home. First off, he doesn't like a bunch of people around, never did (even when he was sober for over 14 years), gives him a headache. Also, my kids and myself included, will sometimes have a beer or two on a Sat. or Sunday during a BBQ. No one (other than AH) abuses alcohol, but we do enjoy drinking socially, especially my adult kids. Or my sister and her husband will invite us over for dinner/BBQ. My sister's husband has "a" beer w/dinner, while my sister has "a" glass of wine. I don't drink w/dinner, etc. (only soda/water). When speaking to my AH this morning, I asked if that situation ever came up in group/meeting/individual session. He said it has, and that he is supposed to remove himself from the situation till he gets a year under his belt. Where does that leave us? It would seem that my AH would not be able to socialize or go there for at least a year, cause I can't expect them to give up their routine for him. His recovery kinda makes things uncomfortable for everyone, and for years it's been all about him. I'm kinda selfish right now, cause I really want to be all about me for once, even if it means being no longer married. I hope my AH stays sober and lives a nice, long healthy life, but I'm just so confused about this whole thing or how even to bring it up to him. I'd love to stay married to him, but not at the expense of my happiness. Any sharing of ESH would be very helpful to me.
The idea, I think, is that he needs to be in charge of his own recovery. You, meanwhile, do what is right for you. If that is having the family over for a barbeque, go ahead. Let him know in advance, if you like, so he can set up a Plan B for himself - like finding out if his sponsor is going to be home, or getting himself somewhere else if he feels he can't handle the environment that day.
My AH and I went to a big family wedding when he was sober about 6 months. The waiter came round with the champagne and, without asking, set a glass down in front of hubby. I snatched it away. Hubby got up and left the reception. I found out later he called some people, got calmed down. I saw it as a victory - he didn't drink. He saw it, for a long time at least, as a failure - he almost picked up that glass, he says.
From the perspective of several years, I realize a few things.
One, it wasn't my place to snatch the drink away from right in front of him, though to be honest I'm not sure I could manage to leave it there if the same thing happened again. I might look at him, anticipating that he would ASK me to move it - he has since then asked me to move an empty glass from the place he was sitting, once in a while.
Two, he's a big boy and has his own tools to stay in his program. He used them. It was completely not about me. Yes, I would have liked it better if he had been able to stay at the reception- but the fact is, he needed to leave in order to keep himself safe and stay sober - and I would NOT have liked his staying better if it meant picking up that drink. He did what was right for him. Good for him.
Three, him doing what's right for him as a part of recovery does not involve me trying to figure out what's right for him so I can do it too. My recovery means doing what's right for ME. In my case, I have not brought alcohol back into the house. We had company a few weeks ago, though, who brought a case of beer. I asked him about it - I was concerned. He said, they should be able to do what they want. However, if there's any left when they leave, I'm pouring it out. And he did.
For me, the desire to have a drink at home - and it does come - does not so far overbalance the desire that his home be a place where he can expect to not run into alcohol. Maybe it will come to that someday. Maybe not. At my brothers' houses, there is liable to be wine or beer, and I will have some. Hubby makes sure to park to he can make a getaway if he needs to, mingles with people who aren't drinking if he needs to, and makes sure he has a drink of something else in his hand. Again, HE is doing what HE needs to do for HIS sobriety.
Hope there's something here you can use - I did go on a bit, didn't I? Sometimes I need to remind myself. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Q, this is a great post because I think so many of us can relate to that incredible feeling we get when "they" (the A) is gone and we get to experience the peace and comfort of a "normal" life w/o the A around. The massive amount of relief we feel. I know I certainly did.
I am not in any position to give advice as I am in the process of getting divorced myself. But I had a domestic abuse situation to deal with and that made my choices clearer, in many respects.
I just want you to know that I so understand that feeling of having things the way you want them for once in your life. Of doing what comes naturally. Of having the people over and having a nice stress-free time just being yourselves. I so understand that. For me, growing up in a highly dysfunctional home, I had to choose a lifestyle that ensured my happiness. I grew up so very unhappy and now, all my choices need to be about me and what is going to be healthy and good for me and that has much to do with my own bliss and joy. I have determined that I cannot live with an alcoholic ever again. I simply do not have the ability to. I am like an animal that requires a certain kind of environment in which to thrive. that environment is one that does not have any alcoholics under the same roof as me. Plain and simple- BECAUSE of my past and my childhood. Perhaps if I had grown up in a more stable and healthier environment I would be able to manage a life with an alcoholic more easily but the plain truth is I cannot. Its like taking a fish and expecting it to thrive in a desert. No can do. Plain and simple.
But I needed to really take an honest look at myself. I needed to really get to know who I am and what my limits are. And thanks to this program, I have done that and am continuing to do that.
You sound really good to me- you sound reasonable and thoughtful and smart. You will do just fine either way, I can tell! Hugs, J.
I do try and let him work his own recovery. I forgot to mention that he went to rehab last May for a month, and remained sober for 3 months, before relapsing Labor Day weekend. During that 3 month sobriety, I had absolutely no alcohol at our house, never went anywhere where there was alcohol (missed BBQ's, a wedding even), never drank in front of him and neither did my kids, in fact, I didn't even drink during that time at all. We even went to our place upstate where at times (in the past) we would have a beer in front of a firepit, and instead me and AH ate ice cream and talked. And he still relapsed for a full straight year (I'm talking every single day, worse and worse). I guess I'm just tired of revolving my life around him and his sobriety. And I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for another relapse. I don't know if I want that in my life any more. I agree, only he knows what's right for him, and his sobriety. And that should come first. But my recovery should come first for me. But I do thank you so much for your esh, cause I can really relate, and no, you didn't go on a bit! I'm glad you responded. It means alot.
Q, it is your choice. You do not need to have an alcoholic in your life. None of us do. We can choose to walk away. I did. Some do and some do not. Its a very personal decision. But either way, this program is key and I know I will always need al anon meetings, friends and literature because if I live with one or not, alcoholism is still a factor in my life. But for me, I VERY MUCH needed (not just wanted) some serious serenity inside my home, under my roof, wall to wall, 100% of the time, plain and simple and was willing to do whatever I needed to do to achieve that. I needed to be queen of my world and I am and I LIKE IT alot! J.
J, That is the way I exactly feel! Couldn't have said it better myself. I figured while he was away (in rehab), I would have time to take a serious look at myself and things I wanted from life. While I'd still go to meetings, I wasn't really taking a good look at myself. But you know what? I didn't have to dig deep within myself. My HP made it so I naturally enjoyed a normal, stress-free life for the past couple of weeks. And that alone did it for me. Growing up, my father was an alcoholic, maybe not a daily alcoholic, but an alcoholic. And my sister and I would have to sit and keep him company at night while he'd drink himself drunk and ramble on. We had to watch what we said to him (he could turn in a minute), and I'd have to stay up as late as needed, till he was ready for bed, while my mother would sit in the living room watching her TV shows. No wonder she was able to deal with his alcoholism for years! We were babysitting him! My sister is an alcoholic/drug addict now (she loved hanging with him and having "sips" of his drinks), meanwhile, I'm doing Alanon and have no patience at times for drunk people. I simply don't think I'm up to living with an alcoholic ever again either. As you said "no can do." Thanks for sharing with me.
I VERY MUCH needed (not just wanted) some serious serenity inside my home, under my roof, wall to wall, 100% of the time, plain and simple and was willing to do whatever I needed to do to achieve that. I needed to be queen of my world and I am and I LIKE IT alot!
Yep, that's how I think I'm feeling right now. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it.
Marsie, Of course, I could go to events without him. I've done that for a while when he was drinking. It's just a matter of why do I have to go everywhere alone. I mean, isn't part of being married doing things together? Not everything, trust me, I love my own space and doing my own thing (I am very independent), but I would just love to have a healthy relationship, with both give and take, and someone with whom I could share going to these things or being together. For the past several years, while he was actively drinking every day, we lived in the same house, but he would be drunk and passed out by the time I got home from work, slept in the upstairs room, speak for like 5 mins. in the morning, and the same thing would happen all over again. Although at first I was very lonely, I made it unlonely and fulfilling for myself with friends, family, work and Alanon. It's just now I think I want more out of life and marriage than what he gave/can give me. Teree
Our life is short. It comes down to: what do we really want with the little time we have left?
I have been staying with some friends of mine. He is an A and she is not. No recovery there at all. They have a small child. This son is EVERYTHING to her- they (the boy and his mom) live upstairs and the guy literally lives downstairs. He drinks himself to sleep every single night in front of the TV. They no longer sleep together at all. No sex. No interactions except perhaps some meals together. She has built a world totally around this little boy. Its working for her for now. Its working for him now. He will most likely die before her, his health is poor.
It incredible to see all this from the outside. So many alcoholic marriages look like this. I want something better or else I would rather be on my own. Although I am never really on my own because I am in a love lock with my HP 4 ever/true love.
There are some great couples out there who are independent and also together. its possible. I know it is. I also know that I like my own company just fine. I have some wonderful friendships and family relationships.
I reached a point where in the program I came to realize that I love myself more than my A. I value me. I come first. I deserve some goodness and more importantly: I deserve some HARMONY AND PEACE under my roof.
Some A's have lots of goodness to them. Mine certainly did not as he got more and more abusive to the point where I had to run for my life. I am on the other side of that now and I thank god every morning I wake that I am alive and that I survived. Lots did not. I am one of the lucky ones. J.
J, I think I'm at that point now to, for the first time in my life! It's really kinda strange, and I don't even know how it happened. I'm actually thinking of ME first, putting ME first. I love my AH, always will. We were actually very good together at one time. Key word "were". And while I love him, I also love me, and feel I deserve so much more than what he had/has to offer. A choice has to be made by me, but I guess it doesn't have to be made immediately. I will place this one in my HP's hands and I know he will guide me the way I'm supposed to go. That's why I think sharing esh is so important, I believe my HP speaks to me thru certain things I need to read and/or hear. Teree
Queenie, I understand where you are coming from. My AH moved out (at my request) over 2 months ago. He kept drinking and smoking until 2 1/2 weeks ago when he checked himself into detox. He's currently at a halfway house awaiting a bed at a 28 day treatment program. I've been asking myself if I really want to continue my relationship with him. We had dinner together at a restaurant tonight - we met last Wednesday night for dinner too. It was pleasant enough but I feel kinda numb when I'm with him. I'm not getting too close to him - kissing, etc. is definitely out of the question for me right now. I feel confused about it all.
We've been married for 4 years - lived together 1 year before marrying. He's been an alcoholic since I've known him. I looked the other way - and I was drinking too - but not like he was! I thought I could fix him (just like I thought about my past alcoholic relationships). I've since joined Al-Anon (for over 2 months now) and am feeling different about myself and him. I tried Al-Anon almost 2 years ago for about 6 months, but it didn't sink in like it has this time. I guess I finally hit my bottom.
Anyway, being here at the house without him has been GREAT! My adult son lives with me while he's attending college. I am having a very normal, non-crisis, very sane, quiet life, and I love it. We also have a fire pit and I so enjoy having a fire without my husband being there - drunk or stoned! I'm nervous about the day he will come home - my plan for him: attend a 28 day program, then attend a 6 month work program, then we'll talk about our home situation. I know I need to keep the focus on me and do what makes me happy. Easy to say, hard to do without feeling quilty. I'm going to keep attending Al-Anon - it's good for me. My sponsor and I will start working together this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. Perhaps I'll figure it out working the steps, or praying to my HP to work it out for me because I can't do it alone.
Ok this is my personal experience. I too know what you are talking about.
However when I really believed my very loved husband had a horrible disease, no different than if he had cancer, I would do anything to be with him, as long as he was not abusive. It is the illness that makes them how they are. My AH was in very heavy serious recovery. We had barbecues, visited people and had fun.
After he had a brain surgery, he lost his recovery to medical relapse.
He stayed sober, but was not on program. So,no he did not want to do anything. He felt so uncomfortable in his own skin. He was totally boring. It got worse and worse. It got where I could hardly stand to watch him be so unhappy with out my being terribly unhappy.
But I made my vow,knew he was very sick, loved him and believed in marriage.
Sadly he became abusive from terrible pain and brain damage, plus was back on anything he could get his hands on.
I have been with out him totally for two years now. My home is super mellow, animals are calm. My home is called Potter's Eden, an animal sanctuary. I am a very laid back person who likes to laugh and feel my toes in the sand, am an older flower child type.
Where does an addict who does not bathe enough, who never ever smiles, does not see humor in anything has no love in his heart, belong with with me? From my experience, unless they are in AA and have very serious goals to stay in recovery, they are only dry miserable addicts.
It is recommended the A go to ninety meeings in 90 days when they get out of rehab. It is almost the only way things have a chance.
they do not choose to be an addict. They are born that way, that is a fact. And some A's have more markers in their dna than others which makes it even harder to stay on program.
sooo this is my experience. I have to listen to my heart. I don't believe in divorce, wish I could see him.But it is my choice to not drag him back or allow him back.
right now you don't know the answer. staying in alanon and learning skills and learning about addiction will help you to come to a decision that is right and comfortable for you. love,debilyn
Queenie * so happy when husb wasnt'around * kinda says it all dosent it ? If u continue doing what uhave been doing for the last 5 weeks it will still be fine , life cannot be about the alcoholics wants and ignore your own find some meetings continue inyour reovery and leave him to AA , I remember the day I actually started to walk the walk in this recovery prog , I had had a beautiful day at work we laughed all day and I was still chuckling as i pulled into my drivway , i put my key in the lock and a feeling I have never had before or since came over me i felt cold from head to toe - in shock i just stood there for a min and realized I hated my house in that few min before i steped into the house I made a decissiion to take my house back I lived there too and I had rights ,take your house back husb will adjust or not . and believe it or not mine did adjust . I chose to not drink anymore out of respect for my husb efforts at sobritey , but thats up to u he will either choose to drink or not it is a daily decission he must make for himself . good luck Louise
Take what you like and leave the rest.
