The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I've finally spoken with my ex to hear from him what happened. It isnt pleasant. Apparently he's been drinking heavily for several months and has been using again. In a round about way he said that since him and I havent been together he's been really depressed which is why he escaped to drugs and alcohol. He said that the night he was pulled over he doesnt remember much, just that he was hoping to end his life that night. I told him that was ridiculous and for him to seek counselling for his suicidal thoughts. I wasnt going to offer pity although I did offer my ear whenever he needs it. I stood strong through our entire conversation and said that he shouldnt blame someone else for his actions, that only he is in control of his life. I told him to focus on his recovery and do exactly as they say. He said he will and that overall he is happy that he is in rehab admitting that he needed to be there.
I didnt hesitate in telling him disappointed I was in him and that he shouldnt have straight out lied to me about drinking and drugging again. I also said it will take an awful lot for him to ever gain my trust back. He understood and apologized profusely over and over saying that he knew the end of our relationship was due to his actions, or lack of actions and that he hoped that one day he would be able to build that trust back between us. I told him that we'd always be friends but that I'd take things he said with a grain of salt until if and when that trust is rebuilt.
From his description of the place, it sounds more like a country club (with limitations of course) than a rehab facility. Apparently its a good place though from what I've researched about it. Imagine being in California at a place with a pool and when you arent in classes or in meetings, you can hang out by the pool all day! Not too shabby.
He has no idea how long he'll be there. Some people are there for 2 weeks and others have been there for 6 months. However long he's there is better than being in jail, which was the alternative.
Although the conversation was tough, and I was staying strong, when we hung up I couldnt help but cry. I didnt want him to hear those emotions though. I did my best to hold back tears on the phone with him, and succeeded.
Our conversation ended with him basically giving me his daily schedule and him telling me what time he would call me throughout the day. He claims that I am the only one that understands him and that I am the only one that will help him succeed with his recovery. I told him that although I would do my best to offer support, that I am not qualified to be the only person helping him through this. That I can not hold his hand and shelter him for the rest of his live (although I wish I could so that I know he's safe). He needs to listen to his counsellors because they are professionals. I also asked him not to call me just for the sake of saying hello everyday. Told him to call me once or twice a week just to let me know how things are going. I explained to him that I have moved on with my life and that my thoughts and concern about his wellbeing are interefering with my current relationship because I've been dwelling on it so much lately. Of course in my heart, I'd like to hear from him every day, but that wouldnt be a cool thing right now. I need to focus on myself, my children, family and my current boyfriend. And I can do that now because I know he is in a safe place with people trained to help people with addictions.
Hopefully this place will help him although I know he has a long road ahead of himself but if he is dedicated this time, maybe just maybe he can recover. I certainly hope so!
__________________
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
You can be if you want to be and maybe that's a "hook".
The A I was with could "hook" me so many ways.
Depression, health, finances, things, people.
I started looking at the hooks.
Hope you can de-tach for you. He is "safe" are you?
Are you taking care of yourself. Sounds like that conversation was difficult Who wants to believe they are responsible for another. I used to I know. What a terrible dance.
Thankfully I am a strong person and yes, I am 'safe'. I dont know if I did the right thing, but he called me last night and I pretty much figured that since he was in a safe environment I could tell him how I really felt about the relationship we once has as b/f g/f.
I told him I had reached a point in our relationship where I needed to step back and reevaluate the situation between us 1) was this something I wanted to deal with basically forever, 2) is he the kind of person I want around my 3 children, etc etc. He seemed to understand my points and instead of blaming me for things (as he's done in the past), he admitted that our relationship went sour because of his addictions. He apologize over and over again and I explained that sorry doesnt always help. It may make him feel that everything is ok, but for the people he has hurt, sorry isnt enough. Actions speak louder than words. If I was convinced that his 'sorry' was coming from his heart and not just words from his mouth, it may have been received differently by me.
In any case, he didnt call this morning which I am actually happy about. At least he is respecting my request for him not to call me every day. There's no reason for it. I did say to him last night that I hoped that when he called it was for the right reasons. Last night when he had called he asked me to send him money. Well, there is no way on earth I would do that. Who knows what he'd use it for and he shouldnt need money there, he isnt on vacation.
I was so worried at first, but now that I have talked to him several times and know he's doing 'ok' it seems like it is getting much easier for me to detach, which to me just confirms that although I do have weak moments, I am a strong woman!
__________________
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
