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After more than 6yrs with my abf, four of which we have been living together, all of which I had been accepted and made to feel a part of his family, I was deliberately excluded from a family occasion. I couldnt understand why, and when I asked him about it, he just mumbled a bunch of half hearted excuses and incomplete sentences. At first he claimed he didnt know why, but for me not to worry about it because he wasnt going to attend because they didnt invite me, that it was me and him, and the hell with the rest of them. Though that may have been fine with him, it was NOT with me. I couldnt let it go, I had done nothing wrong. He finally told me last night, after his group, and after he checked with the family who extended the to him only invitation, to make sure it was ok that he told me why....whatever...the reason that he gave me was that she didnt like me because when I would reach my boiling point, I would kick him out. As we all know here, like with an active A is never the same from one day to the next, and for months at a time, I would quietly deal with it, not complaining, confiding in no one. His family knows about his alcoholism, and in the past we had talked about it, and I felt we were on the same page. When the fighting, arguing, etc would take place, he would call on his family to rescue him. Our private battles became a public war. We were both hurting, ....eachother and ourselves. I dont understand how I have become public enemy number one within his family as all I have ever wanted is for him to learn to love himself without the cloud of alcohol. I may have made some poor choices in my ignorance, believing that I could force him to change, but I dont feel that his family has any right to pass judgements on me and my choices as they dont live the life I live every day. I was up most of the night composing an email to this family member giving her a little bit of who I was, how I feel ,what I am learning,and who I am becoming, and I am waiting to see if/when/how she responds. I know his family is very important to him, and I dont want to be the cause of any broken bridges in his familial relationships. My lack of self respect, self worth and shame began keeping me away from his family, and maybe that was the worst thing I could do, maybe this is why they feel the way they do towards me, I just dont know, and I know I probably shouldnt care, but blood is thicker than water and I feel like I am just rushing down a bloodstained river right now....and I do care, and it does hurt.
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Sorry you have to deal with this. I too live with my bf and have become very close in the past years with his family. But I also know and have experienced it, that no matter how much they know and deal with his addictions, and know how much I have had to put up with, talked to them about things, they will always choose him, no matter what. It doesn't feel good, but you said it, blood thicker than water. I am slowly learning not to care what other people think. As long as you know you are doing good, and you have been, too bad for them! If his family can't see the bigger picture and see everything for what it is, let it be there problem. Sounds like it would be there loss to not have you there. And I'm glad your bf stood up and said if you were'nt invited he would not be going. Good for both of you!
Sometimes it really isn't about us at all. It just plays out on us. My AHsober's family doesn't extend invitations very often. And the problem is that my AHsober ignore's me at family functions and I think that they take his lead. They tell us to pray for our enemies. Hard to do sometimes.
I was just listening to a professional on the radio talking about how in a couple, the couple sticks together in the face of family dissent or animosity. That your partner comes first, your family second, when you are a couple.
There is SO MUCH dysfunction around alcoholic families, its a wonder we havent all killed each other 20 times over...my soon to be ex AH's family did not care for me and even less so when it became clear I was not going to take complete enabling care of him and free his family from the job. They were REALLY pissed about that one! My family did not like him because he never wanted to spend any time with any of them or even bother to get to know them- his family was the important one and I bought into that, I have to admit, for awhile.
All family dynamics around alcoholism are going to be really troubled and messed up so why expect them to be otherwise? Once again, time to detach! and ship it all off to HP! Hugs, J.
Thank you all for your words of support. I know in my heart that I have done what I feel is best for him, and for myself. When he lived with his family, they were totally enabling to him. When he moved in with me, I gave him consequences for his actions. What I was told by his family was that they didnt feel I was giving him a safe place to work on his sobriety. My response to that was that when I did kick him out, he did get help for a while and kept sober. He was drinking every day with them, with me it dwindled down to a couple of times every month or two...which is better?? seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
