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Although I have moved on with my life and am very happy, I can't help but have thoughts of my ex A b/f and all that he's dealing with right now. Guess thats one of my weaknesses. Once someone is in my heart, there always remains a place for them there, even if its a very little place.
As you may recall, he was arrested for DUI recently, spent some time in a rehab facility close to home. Well, I found out this morning that he was flown across the country to another rehabilitation facility. I dont know how long he'll be there, nor do I know how he is doing. All I know is that I cant stop thinking about him. Wondering how he is and wondering what really happened the night he was pulled over. I assume that he'll be at this new facility for quite a while. Knowing that he is 6 hours away from me is taking its toll on my emotions. I want to go buy a plane ticket and head to California. My current boyfriend said he'd go with me if I felt I needed to be there. I know thats not the right thing to do, so I am staying put (for now at least). I dont even know if he is allowed to have visitors. I do know that right now, in his initial recovery period, that he needs to focus entirely on his recovery. Its still hard to accept.
I am going to an Alanon meeting tonight because when I've gone in the past, it has helped me tremendously.
Am I wrong for thinking of him so much? It's almost like I feel like he is still my boyfriend and I need to help, in some way. Even if its just with a hug and a shoulder to lean on. I am really confused. Although I dont want to hurt my current boyfriends feelings, I am confiding in him a lot concerning how I am feeling right now. He's been great--very supportive.
I just feel like now there is absolutely nothing I can do and that feeling completely sucks.
Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening and any support you can offer is greatly appreciated.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I relate to your post so much, I have been in your shoes. I have longed for an A when it wasn't appropriate for either of us. I couldn't get this man out of my mind for 4 years. It's pretty crazy.
Think long and hard about your motives. Why do you want to give him your shoulder to cry on?
I too used to talk about issues I had with other people, including new boyfriends. I felt it was 'too bad' they would have to accept & deal with me where I was. It was unfair to me and the new friends in my life. They aren't counselors. Instead of keeping things seperate and having a new experience and seperate realtionships, I muddled them all up together - what a mess!
I relate to you saying, how you love them once you do and it doesn't go away. I have that experience also. loving ppl, being forgiving is all great and wonderful but you have to realize that WE cannot save anyone else. Everyone has to help themselves, live their own lives, follow their own heart. It is about dignity and we all want that kind of respect and consideration. Sure we can be there to support and love others but it falls to each of us, to change on our own, when we are ready. I guess for me, I felt indespensible and I liked it but I was abandonning myself for other ppl that in the end could not reciprocate the love to me.
I feel bad for you new b/f, he sounds really understanding to want to help you chase after your exA b/f. You owe it to yourself, to detach and let your exA b/f tend to his own therapy/sobriety. We all want our A's to know how we feel. They can't really deal with that, early in recovery, everything is so new - dealing w/ their own feelings is overwhelming, he can't possibly understand or deal with yours.
If you like this new b/f, you owe it to yourself, to be there for him, ever present, aware, in the moment. You owe it to yourself! I spent WAY too much time obsessing about other ppl when I was with some really nice person, who deserved my undivided attention. I hurt a lot of nice ppl this way and I continued to sabatoge new relationships and decent prospects for my painful and unresolved past. It was very difficult and ended up hurting me so much in the end.
Relationships ought to be balanced and equal to start with, so if things get bad or complicated one of you can take the weight of it. Think about what you want carefully, think about what you have. I like to make pro/con lists to help me visualize and center my obsessive thoughts. It is important to get back from what you put in, otherwise we develop resentments.
Take care of yourself! A friend in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it.
My ex and I have been apart for months and things were ok for me. I'm normally a very strong person with a good head on my shoulders. Now that I know he's in trouble (or suffering) I just cant let go of him. There is something about him that is so dear to me. Perhaps its knowing that he is such an amazing person (when he isnt drinking of course). Him and I shared the BEST times when things were good! I know my dwelling on him isnt healthy for my new relationship and trust me, I hesitate so much when I talk about him to my current boyfriend. Unfortunately, he is the one person I am comfortable talking about it with. I know I should be focusing on my current relationship and put my ex on the back burner for now. I cant. And I cant explain why. Other than the fact that the two of us were so madly in love. If he had abstained from drinking I would have married him. His drinking definitely put a damper on our relationship, and I ended things between us when things got bad with him. I think a part of me is feeling guilty that I didnt stick around. I guess I just reached the point that I couldnt take it anymore. In a way I think its my fault that he's relapsed and hit bottom. If only I had stuck by him this last time we had gotten back together (it was just a friendship this time though). Friends are always supposed to be there for one another, yet I wasnt. I backed away. In the 3 years we were together, he never went to rehab. He just went to meetings and when he did, it helped. Apparently he's been in rehab a bunch of times before I knew him but his last visit there was years and years ago.
I'm at my wits end here. I want to reach out and be there to support him yet I cant. For reasons we all know. I hate when I have no control over my emotions.
Just feel like crawling into bed, putting the pillow over my head and crying. Hopefully the meeting tonight will help.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Your x boyfriend is in the best place right now, and he will be receiving the best thing ever right now...time to get that habit sorted.
You have detached from him as your boyfriend, yet, as is often the case of us who are/or have been attached to someone with a problem, you still have love and concern for him.
It is neither right nor wrong to feel as you do. And I am not in the least surprised that you are confused.
This is probably one of those time when your best action, in my opinion, would be to let go let God. These things happen and perhaps it is best that you are so far away from him right now. He needs to get his life back together and the correction facility will be right there at the cutting edge of this right now.
I understand your aching heart, when you feel so helpless to help someone you love, or still feel something for even if it is a different level of love than as your boyfriend...you have someone else in your life now...but you still feel for the man who is at an all time low. Feel, care, and then give thankts that he will be getting help whilst in that correction facility for that might just be what brings him around and stops you from being the enabler for he will have to enable himself.
You can still feel and care, however, I just feel that let go, let God will be the best way forward at this moment in time.
Suzannah ( who used to be Heartbroken too)
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Oh I know he's in the best place with trained professionals that will do all they can for him. With the professional help and his faith in himself and God, I think he'll be ok. It may take a while, but at least he is somewhere safe where people with an expertise in addiction can help him. I just pray that this is his last fall and pray that he realizes everyone has something in their life that is upsetting and difficult to deal with and that their are better solutions than falling back on his addiction.
He actually left me a message this afternoon and sounded good. Almost sounded 'proud' to be where he was, in rehab. Just hearing his voice, and hearing that he sounded ok is a tremendous comfort to me. Still wish that I could be there with him, but for now I'll let the professionals do their job. Wait until he gets home though, he is going to get the BIGGEST hug ever from me and probably some tears too.
Hopefully he'll call back. If he doesnt, its probably because they are keeping him super busy with meetings, classes, etc.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
