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My husband of 40 years is bi-polar. I have dealt with his mood swings for many years, but recently they seem to be greater. A doctor told him about 6 weeks ago he was in the middle of a 'severe manic episode" and might do "anything".
Recently he has increased how much he drinks and how fast he guzzles is. If i go to work in the afternoon I am gone less than 3 hours. He can be fine when I leave and either passed out or extremely drunk by the time I get home. I find 2 to 3 empty pint vodka bottles. He is on meds for his BP , but I am sure they can't do their job as long as he's drinking so heavily at least twice a week.
I feel like I am once again walking on eggshells. I am afraid to say anything because of the tone of voice he answers me in. If we are out and I am driving, he criticizes everything I do...either too fast, too slow, turned too sharp, should have turned a different corner, etc. At home if I just go to ask him a question, he screams and sighs and acts like I am getting on her last nerve. Truth is, he's getting on mine.
In Jan. he saw a bag of miracle grass seed that was supposed to push out weeds and make a carpet. It was $40 a bag. He had me use the credit card and order it that night. I did. It came in last March and the bag stayed on the dining room table until May. I asked him then if he planned tlduse it any time soon. HE said he woudl when he got a pretty day. So i moved it to the carport. This past Saturday afternoon as we were coming in the house from an errand(and he'd had a pint earlier) I could not see the grass seed. I had not even looked for it since May. I asked..Have you ever used that $40 bag of grass seed? Oh MY GOD! What an ourburst! HE screamed in my face that I'd asked him that same question 4 times int he last 3 weeks..totally a lie. In a few minutes he got the bag of seed and dumped it on rocks and gravel in the back yard (flower beds) and threw the empty bag at me and told me I could shut up aboth it now,. There was alot of cussing and screaming about the grass seed. Outbursts like htat over the least little things are very common these days,. Later he asid If he hears me complain about anything else, he'll throw it away. He said even if it is the new laptop we bought Friday or the new TV we bought 3 weeks ago.
I can tell when he's had a drink beccaue he mellows out for a few hours or a day or two. Then he gets anxious again,. agitated, what I call GROUCHY.
I'd jsut love to be treated with a little respect. I know I can't force him to quit drinking if he's not ready. BUt it sure woudl be nice to be talked to like a decent human beaing instead of something on the bottom of your shoe.
I try to remind myself all of the things I've learned in15 years of AlAnon...to detach, that he has s a disease, not to take it so personally. But it's getting so hard. How do you deal with mood swings?
I don't know how well the tools of alanon work against abuse. And what you are describing is abuse. The manic episodes I suffered thru with my ex almost killed me. Well, my ex tried to kill me. Detaching escalated the abuses. Engaging escalated the abuses. It was a no win situation. I had to leave just to keep myself and my kids safe. The risks of drinking while on BP meds are insane. People who drink alcohol while on Depakoe or litium kill others or them selves. It is very dangerous. Not to mention that the combo of alcohol and lithium is deadly to the kidneys. It can cause total renal failure.
I don't deal with the mood swings. I did for many years until it got so bad that my life was at risk and then I had to leave. BP disorder is also a progressive disease. It can be arrested for time periods with meds. Those with lesser forms of the disorder may never get to the stage where your H seems to be. Just be careful and know that you have every right to take care of yourself first and foremost.
(((( Lin )))))) I can really relate to what you are going through, BTDT.
As u already know, this is a progressive disease. It seems to platue for a long time and then a huge jump in much worse, more extreme behavior. I was only with my exAH for 5 years. Each year of our marriage, everything got worse. It seemed like the more I did, love him and tolerated the worse it became. I had to dig deep into my soul to continue to forgive, be kind and loving. The more loving I was, the more hateful he became. In the end, I left. I did not have children to consider. Although, for me any kind of physical confrontation would have been a complete deal breaker.
When I left, I did research and found he acted like a manic depressive. I could ask him questions about what he was doing, he didn't get angry at that but he attacked me, debased me and lectured & blamed me for everything under the sun, literally ~ I was to blame for his problems, his past, society, my family - u name it, I was to blame for it. Amazing how any one person could actually have so much power?! Ridiulous. In hindsight, I would have left more often, making little boundaries and removing myself from verbal & psychological abuse. I did remove myself 3 times, at first, then I just got inot arguing with him & actually trying to logically deal with what was going on. Also, absurd, there is nothing logical about their behavior/reactions.
Since their condition progressively gets worse ( & I know, we all say, 'this is o bad, it can't get worse') I wouldn't necessarliy count on being treated with respect, they don't respect themselves. Also, remember, they know our buttons and will push them & try to hurt us on purpose. It gives them a sense of power over you, it sounds like you are allowing it to seep in. Just b/c he's having a problem, doesn't make it yours, don't own it or take responsibility for it.
Take care of yourself & focus on your needs, the A's certainly don't.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hon, Serendipity sounds right on the money to me. Al-Anons program is not designed to help protect you from abuse. These don't sound to me like mood swings, they sound to me like he's on the edge of escalating to real violence. Please take steps to protect yourself, just in case.
Also remember to keep you expectations reasonable. An active A is not going to treat you with respect. He is not going to treat you like a human being, right? He won't treat you any better than he feels about himself.
When I am desperately trying to focus on my own needs in spite of the chao, I ask myself many times a day, how do I feel? what do I need? I do it over and over until I can start coming up with some answers to my own questions.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am in the process of divorcing my BiPolar A husband. I could no longer take the abuse- verbal, emotional, psychological and finally physical. When it got physical I left with my life intact.
I am certainly not saying that this is your situation, it was only mine. But BPD is a very strange and dangerous disease and when you combine it with aism, well, you have a real powder keg on your hands. I learned that I would lose my life if I continued to try to with someone with it and chose to get out and get help. It took me (is taking me) years to heal. When I began to get hit, I got out. Not before. It escalated over time.
