The material presented
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It has been a while since I posted something on here myself, other than replies. I am here. I read daily. Today I felt moved to share something with you all.
I was sitting in a meeting of my "Other" program this morning and the topic was one of those that truly seem to reach over and cross between both of my programs.
The speaker was telling us about a book he read about a woman's experience and recovery from schizophrenia.
He related that at one point in her illness she had this constant feeling of emptiness that she began to try to fill by eating toilet paper, paper towels, her bedding and even wall paper. She was not doing this to satisfy hunger, but to fill "emptiness".
He pointed out to us a couple of things that I found very interesting.
First he asked us what are we trying to fill our emptiness up with. He named some of the things we do this with: Drugs/Alcohol, Food, Sex, Television, Buying things, Money, Prestigue, etc. etc. etc.
I understood, and I related. I have spent most of my life "looking" for something, someone, etc. to make me feel "full".
He then told us something else that because of al-anon I found very encouraging to me.
He said we need to feel the emptiness. That we have to realize what the emptiness is all about and how and what we need to fill the emptiness with.
I know the things I tried to fill it with. I also know that I tried very much to fill it with another person who happened to be an alcoholic.
That experiment lead me straight to al-anon. Now I say it lead me straight here, and I wish that path had been a straight line easy to recognize, one that I could have realized that while, yes today I am miserable. Today I am sad and frustrated. Today I am angry and hurt. But all of that is okay! Because next week, next month, next year, my life is going to be glorious!
That realization was not apparent at the time and on some days it is still difficult to see that line. It took some actions and it takes some actions on my part to "get it". It took me going out there and trying to fill my emptiness with every thing I could think of. I had to exhaust it all. I had to finally get to a place where I gave up trying to fill me up with another person. With things. With false realities.
It took me being so emptied out of all my own belief that I could do it. That I could fix my ex-wife, I could fix my marriage, I could help two boys become perfect young men, I could make myself happy with the tools and knowledge that I had.
When I was empty of all that, then is when I was ready to be filled back up with something good. I am not perfect...somedays I still dump trash into me...but I have some awareness now when I do it, and can stop, and dig it back out before it gets buried too deeply inside there again!
I will be eternally and genuinely grateful I have gone through every single thing that I have. It made me willing. It made me empty enough to become an open vessel waiting to be filled with something new.
My HP, knows what He is doing. He got me to the only place he knew would work for me. The only place where He knew I would hear Him. Feel His love. Witness and feel His grace. See His healing powers.
Al-anon.
My HP is not Al-anon. Al-anon is my host. Al-anon is the bread I eat to fill myself up with the spirit of my Higher Power.
I have always loved our expression about not going to the hardware store for bread. Today that took on a new deeper meaning for me.
On April 17, 2004 I went looking for some bread at the Spiritual Unity on the Frio conference, in Leakey, Texas. I found some and I never dreamed how good the bread there would taste.
So my question for all of you is..... What are you filling yourself up with?
I was talking about this with an Alanoner yesterday at a round-up. I told her that I have an abundant life. That I tried to fill my hole with my AHsober. He couldn't handle it, he pointed out that I had a black hole, I think he has one too. I still don't know how to fill it. I should get into it see what it is all about.
Great post...reminding me about how it was, what happened and how I do it now. I didn't know what feelings were or how I was reacting to them. I got that straightened out with the help of my counselor. I knew what feelings were and then I found out what I was doing with them along with doing life damaging and threatening behaviors I was laying all the negative ones out on everybody else. That was part of the tap root of my blaming. Then I learned that feeling/emotions just are. They are "inside reactions to outside events and then they are organic" and they just are. Today I feel them and I don't try to do something special with them like blame, act out, over act or react or what ever. I recognize them and accept them and am grateful that I have them...the uppers and the downers. I can choose the feelings I want at any time or let go of them in the same period of time. I don't let them control me anymore and they are not "because" of anything special...they just are and every human being's gottem!! I am grateful to have graduated up to human being. That one makes me feel confident, grateful, satisfied, happy and bless.
Post more often. That one was great!! (((((hugs)))))
David - Loved your post. I know that emptiness as well. I've tried all kinds of things to fill it. And I have filled it many, many times over throughout my life. Yet, at the end of the day - there's still a hole. I've noticed the hole getting smaller, though, as I've gotten older, "grown up", and gotten more in tune with my HP. Something I discounted needing for the longest time.
Yes - many days I still fill it with trash (many days!), but I have a new awareness of this now and am a little more concious about what I'm doing.
David, the emptiness is very good to get familiar with. There is a writer who is a shrink who says that anti-depressants are dangerous because we NEED to get depressed- to explore our depths, plumb them, get aquainted with them in order to know ourselves well and eventually heal.
Why are we empty? What is that knawing open mouth in us, that bottomless well of need? Part of me thinks its my longing to (re)connect with God, to rid myself of this shell and return to the world of spirit. I get so tired of this life sometimes. J.
So it was you, David, that snook off with my journal...?
Honey you are so precious, and I love your considered posts. All that you say is sooooooooo recognisable in me and it is just wonderful to hear that someone else has been where I have been. It makes me feel a little less out of the ordinary and a little more 'normal' whatever 'normal' means.
Thank you, my emptyness was filled with all sorts of things until I learned to fill it with the most positively healing and fulfilling for me. God, as the God of my understanding and as my HP, has to be the filling in my sandwich, and the sustainance that feeds, heals, strengthens and guides me and Al-anon is His tool that teaches me and speaks to me of others' experiences and sharings.
Wonderful, more please. Your posts are worth waiting for.
Love from across the pond, dear one from another still in recovery and searching. Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
This morning one of my thoughts was I want to learn how to take really good care of myself. For me that was new. Before I wanted to find someone who wanted to take care of me.
Thank you so much for this lovely post. I am certainly willing to look at that. I know living with an A left me chronically empty.
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