Well speaking as someone who's been in therapy and been in al anon for a long time now I would encourage you to keep on.  Sure in the beginning its hard work but there are rewards to this work. One is that you feel more competent in the world, the second is that you start to be able to be nside your own skin rather t han jumping out of it.  The other is that you start being able to control your emotions and don't feel as dependent on other people.  I can't say this will happen overnight but I know I've been here a few years now. The people in this room who've kept at it find it an easier ride through life. Does that mean its great no problems nope, but they start to be able to manage their life better.

The issue is you have to want that.

Maresie.

(((StargazerLily))) Most of us felt somewhat the same way as you when we first came here are started attending f2f A-Alon meetings. Why should I go to meetings I'm not the one with the problem, the Alocholic in my life has the problem. If I can only fix, change,control, or cure my A's problem everything will be O.K. That is the very reason I went to my first meeting, I wanted to know what exactly to do to stop the A in my life from drinking. I knew all the things that had not worked, talking, threating, begging, lying, naging, pouring out alcohol, hiding car keys, checking bottles to see how much my A drank that day, counting empty beers in the kitchen garbage, nothing worked, nothing will ever work unless the A and only the A decides to get help, first by admitting they have a problem. Some do this-- some don't, some continue to live their lives as an active A, some seek help, and a great number of alcoholics let the disease destroy and eventually kill them. That is sad but true. We can't change them we can only change ourselves and how we react to the A's in our lives.

We come to Al-Anon for us and not the A in our lives. That is hard to grasp at first. When you are on an airplane they tell you to put the oxygen on yourself first. It is the same principle here we have to take care of ourselves first, then we are better able to take care of the A's in our lives. We accept that alcohol had and continues to cause problems in our lives, and that our lives have become unmanageable. When I heard that the 1st time I had to agree. Do you? I also heard that I did not cause the alcoholism. I can't control it. And I can't cure it. I was told that I was powerless over alcohol and alcoholism. I learned the effects that the disease had on me. I agreed the disease had made me crazy, why else would I have done all the thing I had done to control or stop the Alcoholic in my life. Fair or not I realized I needed a recovery too. I needed to put the focus on me and not the Alcoholic in my life. When I did that, coming here and going to f2f meetings, working the Al-Anon program my life began to change. It didn't happen over night, it happened one step at a time, and it changed my life, and it can a will do the same for you if you grab this program hold on to it and work it.

No one here will ever tell you what to do. We will give you our ESH (Experience-Strength-and Hope). There are many members on this board who have been in your shoes or who are in your shoes now. Rest assured there will be several members answer you posts. No one will say the same thing as I did, but everyone will offer help that has worked for them or someone they know, people with years of experience who care and want to help you.

Let me end by saying we are glad you are here, you are at the right place with people who care and understand. Keep coming back and posting. Please read earlier post on the subjects of interest by going to search at the top of this page. Even though you did not like your 1st Al-Anon meeting I would strongly suggest you trying another meeting, even a different group. That is where you will find the help you need. (((HUGS)))

RLC





-- Edited by RLC at 00:01, 2008-08-03

I just now found myself feeling angry. Why am I angry? Its because I feel like 'why would anyone want to listen to my crap' and that hurts me. I know myself well enough to know that when I am hurt anger is the first thing I feel. I also realize that thinking no one cares is part of the reprocussions of being raised by alcoholics. Even though it has already been said here that you do care, I still tell myself otherwise and then start to feel rotten. But I'm working on it and thats why I'm writing this. I am going to trust what you say, that you do care and keep writing.

I am ACoA too and my mom has no interest in therapy. For a long time (up until a few months ago) I was still talking to anyone & everyone about all of the realisations I had and my growth. It occurred to me, not everyone wants to hear or can handle all that I am going through. I stopped talking to my mother about all of my therapy. I simply share everything else. These issues and things we do in therapy are hard enough for me to deal with, I have to assume it's overwhelming for my mom.  She always tells me, "it sounds like you are blaming me" b/c I have some idea that links into a past memory or episode.

I don't blame her, I never have & I don't want her to feel that way. No, of course I can't control her feelings but I don't have to keep bringing up such painful issues, she's made it clear to me she doesn't want to deal with them.

A great book, that has helped me is 12 Stepf for Adult Children I think it's a great book for any ACoA, I hope you check it out!

I also understand very well, your anger about being here & questioning why you have to change. The truth is, you don't have to do anything but when I do not work on myself and just hang out, I attract addicts & alcoholics to me. Well, I grew up with it, I don't want it in my life anymore. If I don't look at my issues, work on them and owrk them out, I will naturally go back into brain dead, unconscious pattersn of ways of being.

    So, instead, I am in therapy and owrking the stuff out. I grew up doing for other ppl and sacrificing myself. I didn't know how to love myself and honestly never tried until two years ago. I can honestly say, this Program has helped me get to the point of loving myself and having hopefulness which are things I didn't have growing up.

I found I had a lot of unresolved anger from being a child, I am working through the pain and letting it go.

This is your life, you can do anything you set your mind to.