The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hey..i'm in another dillemma and have no one to talk to about it
it concerns my ex girlfriend and the woman that i have been with
the deal is simple but i am making it complicated
my friends are going down to the shore...were my ex might be
the woman i am with now...all though we broke up...allthough we slept together...all though we just got out of court...see the picture
well she tells me were broken up..if i want to spend the weekend down at the shore go ahead...but i know she will lose it if the other woman is there and truly this entire thing is driving me mad
i want to go to the shore..see my ex..have a good time and live a little but i know this other girl will lose her mind and i will feel the affects
so i am caught in the middle just like i got caught in the middle between my mother and sister when they sued each other over a business deal...maybe i am just living that out again
truly i can not take it and really i am very unsure what to do with my self and i feel really embarrassed here
i am letting myself get caught in the middle of other peoples wars..regrets..anger..hostility...and for some reason i am paying the ultimate price..my life..my livelihood..fun etc
i sit here in the middle of nothingness trying to decide which way to go..and it all stems from this war that my mother and sister had...that i got cught in the middle...and now its these two woman and i am caught in the middle again
i have to ask myself...who am i protecting? why am i letting others dictate my lifes plans? why do i feel so broken and shattered by all of this?
a simple ride to the beach has become a totally unbelievable unlivable situation
qand i have to ask myself again and again and again
why am i letting this happen to me...why am i putting myself in this position..what am i trying to live out here...why don't i have enough confidence and self respect to do for myself what i want and need to do...why am i letting the other call the shots...protecting myself..still from the onslaught of some one elses feelings
why am i letting other people dictate my lifes story...why am i putting so much credence on the feelings of others and in the meantime hurting myself
this is beyond the drugs and alcohol and this is beyond the alcoholic girlfriend and this is precisely about me
right now..about me...what am i afraid of...what are my fears...where is my back bone...why cant i dive directly into my own life instead of standing on the sidelines
why is it that all of the others are doing what they want while i sit here in my personal pergurtory..fearful...anxious..nervous...not wanting to put myself ina position where i am vulnerable but at the same time risking my chances at having some fun and comraderie
i am taking the ease way out here...backing off...making the decision to stay put instead of jumping in
i have fears...fears that my ex and my other ex will war...fears that the woman i just broke up with will lose her mind again
fears that everything will come tumbling down on my head and i wont be able to handle it
i find this situation truly and utterly disfunctional and nuerotic and narcotic
i feel like a slave in my own world...beyond the drugs and beyond the others...this feels like it is directly in my hand and i am taking a back seat to my own life..my own pleasures and my own sanity
Why not simply find something else to do. I turned down a job today I would have loved to take on. This job involves travel. I turned down applying for it. I can't travel as I have to take care of my dogs. Before al anon I would have obsessed for hours that the reason I couldn't apply was because of the A. The truth is with or without him I can't apply. I could count on him for nothing.
One way to get out of the obsessiveness is to opt out of it. Okay don't go. Let it go.
I know this is very hard. I know also what it is to feel deprived. I know indeed what is to be around people who are obsessing and who are going out of their way to pull you in. Some of the way out is to stop and do the opposite.
Of course there are links between the past and the present. Some of the way through them is to do something different. We do a lot of things differently in Al anon we stop feeling sorry for ourselves, we start taking action. We start moving in different circles.
What happens if you do go? You don't know that any of those things will happen if you do go. But if you do nothing and stay home, what will happen then? It is not easy to separate yourself from the ex's, what will you get out of each scenario? Stay home or go to the shore? I think this is pulling you down and you are having a hard time getting perspective. I don't have any advice per say, but is it you responsibility to stop them from fighting, do you make them fight? Or is this something they both know will get your attention? I am sure that none of what I have just written will help you at all. I wish the best and hope that you can find some answers and some peace.
I would do what I wanted to do for me, and however others react to it, it's their problem to deal with, not yours. I hope you do have a nice time, whatever you decide to do.
I happen to believe life lessons reoccur until we learn how to face them and deal with them. How many times do you want to do this stuff? Because you know these two ladies doesn't mean you have to referee anything. I would simply walk away and let them do what they need to do.....while you detach and have a great time without allowing anyone to dictate your life.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
thanks queenie 105..i agree with you completely all though i have a hard hard time living that
but in my minds eye and my heart and my soul those are the words and sentiments that feel right to me
i have been playing for the other way to long
i just read something about taking care of me and letting my higher power guide me is all i need and not to focus so much on the other...or the outer ones
maybe i am slowly but surely beginning to come back to life..or begiining a new life here that i am not so confident about yet
Are you ACoA? I don't remember. I am & for me, it was so hard to even think about myself or consider myself, I was so programmed to do what other ppl wanted. Often when I had the opportunity to influence, I never knew what I wanted, so I'd just let other's decide. *ugh*
I guess it really started 1-2 yrs ago when I decided I was going to figure out what it means to love myself. I didn't have any. I got so depressed I spent a year in bed, sleeping, crying & having suicidal ideations. Now, looking back on what I lovingly refer to as "my coma" I think I was so stressed & burned out from my 38 years of life, I needed a LOT of rest.
Now, I am up, working out, eating, focusing on myself and what I want.
I have to accept reality. It sounds like reality is, you are obsessing. Can you just let other ppl's feelings go completely? You should b/c you can't control it, no matter what happens. For that matter, no matter what happens, ever, the only thing you have power over is yourself and your feelings/the way in which you react.
So. What do you want to do? If I wanted to go to the shore & have a blast, I would. But I don't take the responsibility or blame of other ppl's emotions. My emotions are my experience & their feelings are theirs.
We cannot make another feel any certain way. All ppl simply react to situations & have their experience. Does that make sense?
Yes it is your life. Be happy, enjoy yourself & don't project, all we have is right now, each new moment.
Good luck!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sorry, my friend, there is not any advice here that you don't already have in your head.
Only YOU know what is right for you.
With all the hassles, the ties with toxic people, the muck --- my life became a lot less hectic and a lot more joyful when I simplified. I removed the toxic people from my life, which finally let me find my issues. Simplified. Things got clear. I could begin to work on me.
-c-
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Let me lend you one of my most favorite slogans Charles..."When in doubt? .....DONT". If you have any doubt about making the decision, dont make the decision. Keep it simple. Oh that's another slogan.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Sage advice here. Seems like you are futurizing here. And the event hasn't even happened. lol. Sit still and ask your HP for guidance. And then let go of the outcome.
