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well - actually i dont know if i'm not good at them i just haven't ever been on one. seems totally strage to me to reach out to a bunch of complete strangers and think they have any idea (or really care) about my long boring saga with my ex. BUT i promised a friend i would give it a shot. (they certainly aren't any help)
so when i was 15 i met this boy. let's just call him Boy. Boy was a heavy drinker already and got into a ton of trouble. my parents hated him, i loved him..the usual.
fast forward 12 years.
after a back and forth relationship that spanned high school, college, and some grad school (mine not his - he barely graduated high school) i finally put an end to it. i am sure i don't have to tell any of you how horrible life is with a drunk so i will spare you all that crap. but anyway, 3 years ago i finally kicked him to the curb, cut him off completely. never spoke to or saw him again. moved to a new house, changed my number.
life was good. actually, that's a lie, i mean it wasn't good - i was miserable for a long time and i felt really guilty and i cried a whole lot, but from the standpoint of me not having this abusive in my life - it was good.
so here i am cruising along - just working on me. you know, got a new job, some dogs started focusing on MY life and not taking care of an emotional and WHAM
in feb - out of the blue he somehow finds my email address and emails me at work. i actually started shaking when i saw the email. like - violently shaking. that's never happened to me before. you know how people say 'oh my knees got weak and i fell to the floor' well now i know exaclty what they were talking about. i was shocked. and scared. (i should explain scared: when i first left him he started calling my family memebrs and saying he was going to kill me. i actually went and bought a gun. that kind of scared.)
anyway - wow i am just babbling away here aren't i? - i knew i shouldn't email him back but i did. he said he was emailing me to make amends. his email address clearly indicates that he's working the 12 step thing and i guess he was reaching out.
over the last few months we have had these totally superficial conversations. like 'hi how's the weather yeah keep in touch i'm so busy...' yada yada.
i have noticed, tho, that i am one ANGRY little girl lately. i've been lashing out at the slightest thing. my friends keep telling me what a bitch i've been (i am blessed with good, honest friends) and i can't sleep.
just a few weks ago i would have told anyone who said that this is related to him emailing me that they were crazy. it's just job stress, i was sure of it.
then i read 'a million little pieces'. i FREAK. i mean im like throwing this book across the room, i am wishing death on james frey because i think he's an evil who doesn't deserve to making millions after 23 years of making everyone around him miserable i think he should suffer.
and i think Boy should suffer too and wow i am really freaking angry.
so after 3 years of getting my life back together, here i am a total mess again. does this EVER GO AWAY?!?!
sure you could say these emotions were brought back to the surface b/c he's been emailing, but i am starting to see a much bigger issue that i have, apparently, been in total denial about.
i have no idea what to do. besides the obvious one of cutting him off again, but really, anyone here completely and totally damaged years after the fact? will i ever be freaking normal?!?!
Aloha Can't...and you'd be surprised at how human you really are. You'll get alot of support here from others who have been closer to your story than you think. I know the fear part. I know the quaking and shaking (again the fear) I dealt with mine and maybe you covered yours up and he yanked the covers off of it. It time you might even thank him for that for now I'd say you've come to the right place. He hasn't worn your shoes he was anestithized with alcohol and/or drug. You went thru the whole thing wide awake and never dealt with the fear and pain of it. You left...did a geographical (as we sometimes call it) and you packed the trouble within your baggage. It was always there and maybe it is time for you to deal with it with in the program or with a professional or both.
It seems that maybe he is working the steps in either AA or NA and on Step9 "Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others." He didn't know he would reopen scars and the "baggage" he might have thought a second time and then he didn't feel the terror you felt his mind body, spirit and emotions were on another planet and now he's coming back to earth with a list of people he has hurt that includes you and you get fearful and hurt again. Any how that is about some of the color commentory that might be going on. Might be because in the insanity of this disease you never always know what is real or really going on. You try to trust that you know and when you find out you're right you applaud yourself...when you are wrong you kick yourself in the butt, get mad at the whole world again especially the alcoholic and swear that you'll never trust anyone again much less come out of your cave. (my experiences +)
By the way James Frey is a self admitted fraud; said so himself that he lied on Oprah and I had also read the book with a wide open mind having been born and raised in the disease of addiction and coming to know that some times it looks real and I hope and then it is not and what I am left with is hope. That isn't so bad compared to other things and conditions I was left with. Hopes good right?
If you answered the email and found it was all superficial that's not as bad as if you found it rekeyed your addiction to him. If it's superficial that is more controlable, for me, than critical that I get together with her again. That's like the alcoholic/addict on the door of relapse. If he had made his apology or amends (there is a difference) and you are okay with it then why not go back to your life and let him go on with his?
The answers to these questions and more and a place to heal from past terror and fear might be in the rooms of face to face meetings of the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. They're free, everywhere, supportive, full of information and able to save at least one butt that I know...mine!!lol Actually the program is world wide...everywhere and saving peoples minds, bodies, spirits and emotions. You just have to want to be there and go find the phone number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your phone book.
Keep coming back here. I don't believe it was a fluke that you found the MIP.
Well normal isn't actualy that healthy. One of my key posts is that I have now left the A for more than a year and guess what I'm even more aware how codependent I am. I have to work a program double time in order to work through this. Leaving the A is one issue, staying with the A another issues, working the program another issue.
I have not read James Frey's book. I picked it up and read it in a bookstore and he seemed a bit of a narcissist to me. I have read David Carr's chapter which I have linked in another post and found that enlightening. For me there is something very sedcutive and familiar in an alcoholic. Of course I grew up around t hem.
I think rage is a stage of grief for some of us. Of course no one can tell you what is happening for you but many of us go through a lot of grief when a relationships is over. Many alcoholics have a hard time making real amends, admitting they have really messed relationshps up. Some of them are pretty self absorbed. Their amends can be pretty half assed if I say so myself.
Personally working this program just as a codependent I am aware that I owe a ton of amends for codependent behavior which can be pretty murky stuff. So anyone but anyone who is working a program is looking at amends. Some of making amends is being kind and loving to yourself. Maybe it would be kind and loving for your to explore the issue of codependence, love addiction and more. There is a ton of stuff out there in the world on that. You may not get to be normal but you could get to be healthy.
Whatever you do you are always welcome to come here. This is a great place to expore your issues and learn from others. I've been here a few years and my life has changed immeasurably.
I am one of those angry little ladies myself, so I thought I would introduce myself! First of all, don't feel that no one wants to hear your rant about what you're going through, that's what these boards are for. Second of all, EVERY person who visits this board is here for the SAME reason - and we ALL understand in one way or another.
One thing I've learned is no, the "anger" won't go away unless it's dealt with. Think of it as something rotting in a jar. If you just put the lid on tighter, it still keeps rotting. Once you release the lid again, the stench is worse! (I hope you find humor in that little analogy!)
It sounds like while "Boy" has been out of your life, you've just moved on, but not gotten over the relationship. Now that there has been contact, all the emotions from many years are surfacing.
Believe it or not, Alanon WILL help, if you give it a chance. I have been involved with Alanon for about three years, and I am a much, much saner person thanks to what I've learned. For me, visiting these boards and reading others stories and reactions to situations like mine has helped me a lot. Sometimes we don't see things clearly when we are emotional. Its only when we give ourselves the compassion we deserve, do we sort things out in our minds, AND in our hearts. It's OK to be mad, or hurt. A good friend always told me "Feeling aren't right or wrong, they just are"
I hope you visit here often, and find your way to a healthy, serene life.
wow! ok! oh jeez! i am like bursting at the seems..so don't take this the wrong way, but i never expected anyone to get it. you guys totally nailed it! this is great, ok, so...
YEAH is up with this..
"i hope you can put any damage i have done in the past behind you."
is that supposed to be a freaking apology?!?! half is right! it's selfish and narcissistic... just a little!
and what about this...he moved to las vegas when i cut him off. how the do you get sober in vegas? please explain this to me. i mean i know he went out there because his parents live there and he had no choice, but don't you think if you were serious about getting sober you would stay the away from VEGAS of all places.
i just get the impression from some of these emails, even though they are about 2 sentences long, that he still expects me to feel sorry for him. i know he still blames me for all of his problems and it bothers me so much. for once i just want him to take some responsibility for his actions! is that too freaking much to ask?!?!
i have done so well for myself the last few years. i mean really accomplished a lot. my solution to being co-dependent was to just stop. i woke up one day and said no more. as i mentioned, it was hard at first, but then it got easy. i surrounded myself with people who inspire me, i have a very successful career i mean sure, i've always been pretty messed up when it comes to relationships, but you know, i have plently of friends that were never co-dependent and they have all kinds of relationship problems too!
i really was doing fine until these stupid emails. and what's even worse - i'm still afraid to make him mad.
about the book - all i meant by sharing that is to show how angry thinking, reading, or even talking about addiction just pisses me off. nothing to do with james frey. just that he was a drunk and i hate all drunks and i think they should all have to suffer.
anyway. i dont know what to do. i know i need to do something or i am going to fly into a rage - probably in my car - and end up running someone over. i have to be honest tho - the meetings and the steps. they don't do it for me. for me, it's like punishment...why the heck should i have to do all this crap when HE'S the one with the problem?!?!
and thanks so much to all of you! i really enjoyed reading what you have to say. i seriously thought i was messed in the head to not be over this after three years. what a relief to know i'm not inadequate!
Don't look at helping yourself cope with life as punishment..... and yes he does have a problem, but obviously you have some reason to be here.
I would say that might be a way of looking at things with a different perspective. You are on here for you - NOT him! By accepting the emotions you are having, and learning how to deal with them, instead of flipping out on someone, you are helping yourself. Maybe all the rage you feel needs to be let out, and by learning how to deal with the emotions, you won't be so angry.... just my thoughts.
I hope you give Alanon a chance. We are here because our lives have been affected by anothers addictions. It's that simple.
Trouble with all this rage is that it doesn't just go away when we stop thinking about it. The way to get rid of it is to face it, feel it, understand it, forgive yourself for having it - and then, sometime later, move on to some sort of accomodation.
A lot of people, including a lot of alcoholics, take the idea that alcoholism is a disease as a sort of "get out of jail free" card - it's not their fault so you should just forgive them and move on. As you have seen, this is not so easy. Here you are with all this pain, and they seem to be saying "Well, I'm sober now so what's your problem". For me, in order to forgive my husband for the things he did, I had to learn to forgive myself for letting him do it, first. This is the sort of thing that alanon is good at - you get a chance to tell the truth about what you are feeling and what you have experienced, with people who really do understand. We can tell you what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now. None of us have travelled exactly the same path, but most of us will have something useful to tell you.
My husband was actually newly sober when I came to Alanon. I was SO annoyed. "well, I SAID I'd do ANYTHING to help, so I guess I HAVE TO go."
And then at those early meetings - those HOKEY slogans, and they say they're not a religious program but they say GOD all the time, and all the words are English but it makes NO SENSE...... oh yes, big time annoyed.
Then, a seeming non sequitur - I felt calmer after a meeting. In fact, my whole WEEK was calmer when I had been to a meeting.
It took an embarrassingly long time to figure out that I could make my week calmer ON PURPOSE by going to a meeting. I finally figured out that my coming to meetings wasn't punishment, and wasn't actually because I had ended up marrying an alcoholic at all - it was because *I* had, through various things in my life, including but not limited to AH's alcoholic behaviour, become mistrustful, angry (in isolated bursts), closed (though I intended to be open), hurt - very, very hurt, which I KNEW, and also knew I couldn't do a thing about, and so I too had moved on - successful career, friends, etc.... but one day I realized I was worried about myself because I "didn't really FEEL much of anything". I had stuffed the hurt, and in so doing I had stuffed much of my capacity for joy. I had kept myself stuck in the same EMOTIONAL place for some aspects of my life - although it didn't feel like it, because in other aspects I was doing ok.
What Alanon is doing is helping me learn a healthier way of interacting with the world at large, a healthier understanding of what "helping" means, a way of being that FEELS BETTER to me when I'm working my program.
My problem, it turns out, wasn't my hubby's alcoholism; it was my own tendency to take responsibility for things that aren't mine, my seldom-seen but I now believe always-simmering rage, my perfectionism, my procrastination, my tendency to isolate, my difficulty in making friends except in some very specific circumstances. These things aren't gone, but they're better, and they're continuing to improve - as long as I keep going to meetings. I had vastly underestimated - in fact hardly considered - the power that hearing my own voice was going to have for me, even when it was saying the EXACT SAME things I had said in my head a ZILLION times.
For me, it was hugely helpful to find a beginner's meeting, where the format allowed me to raise my hand and say, "I don't GET that!!!". Maybe there's one near you too. Can't hurt to try. All you've got to lose is your rage and your fear.
"I had vastly underestimated - in fact hardly considered - the power that hearing my own voice was going to have for me, even when it was saying the EXACT SAME things I had said in my head a ZILLION times."
Something I have been trying to say in dozens of posts, only so much more clearly, thank you. There is an enormous power and freedom in speaking the truth out loud, to other human beings.
Have you ever tried to paint over a rotten piece of wood (like on your house?)The rotten spot may look fine year after year as you paint another coat over another. But, it doesn't work. In fact, it is probably rotting faster.
Maybe going to Las Vegas, he drank himself to the place where he reached his "bottom." He found AA for himself. He's working his recovery "steps" one of which is to "make amends" IF to do so won't cause further hurt.
As I understand the "make amends" step, its like: write the apology letter, make the call. But - don't hang around looking for sympathy or a rebound.
I've come to see that alcohol damages the drinker AND those around the drinker. REAL damage. I hope you'll consider coming to "online meetings." (Maybe you already do. )
Question - of whether you should work "your program" at a distant from him? My alcoholic husband, son and business associates aren't in AA. I've tried working "MY PROGRAM" cut off from them (isolating myself.) I've tried keeping in touch with them via email. Can't say either has work better. I wish mine where in AA. But, they are not.
I'm surprise this group keeps telling me to "keep coming back." I keep trying and failing. And, they keep, saying "failure is just another chance to try again!"
It's not surprising to me that that little piece of "hurt" you painted over so many years ago, is still there. And, it might be easier to keep painting over it. Take a vacation, buy a new this or that.
I recently saw this doctor lady on TV. She had problems herself with extreme emotions. I emailed her and she emailed me back. I asked if other people in the world don't have all of these emotions going on inside of them. She replied more academically, but, generally said from her experience many people that seem to have their act together are really tied up emotionally inside. Just better at hiding it.
You'll hear people in the Al-anon program say they are greatful for their "qualifier (the person drinking) that caused them to seek the Al-anon program. I never understood that phrase until recently.
But recently, I've totally come to "own" that I HAVE THE PROBLEM. Part of my recovery work is due to the fact I grew up around problem drinkers, married one, raised one, chose to work with and around them. Bought them liquor, poured them more liquor, encouraged them to drink! I'm not much of a drinker myself (2, maybe 3 - I'm gone.)
But- I'm certainly experienced with running to doctor and covering up emotions with Rx. Not really an abuser. But, comfortably numb. But, I'm done with that. I can't begin to express my appreciation for this support group. (We'll I could begin, but, I've said too much already.)
Hope to "see ya" around here.
__________________
"Yo se lo que debimos hacerlo" (I know what I've got to be.)
There is so much here that rang true and gave me that "yes, exactly!" response. It is almost eerie.
I am also angry. It feels like a punishment that I should have to change myself when my ah is the one who is ruining everything. Even though I have told him time and again that he has to stop his behavior or he is going to ruin our family. See? If only he had listened to me, everything would be perfect.....
...I wrote that all out because that is how I feel, and yet I KNOW it is absurd. As someone above said, obviously, we are here for a reason.
I also liked the statement that you can't forgive the alcoholic for the things he/she did to you until you can forgive yourself for letting them.
Yes. that. exactly.
I saw my therapist yesterday. She was gently trying to nudge me into talking about MY issues with control and what I can and cannot control, and as much as I could see where she was going with that, I hated it. It made me think about ME and MY problems instead of going on and on about my ah. And I hated it, and it made me feel sh*tty.
I am most angry with me. And most afraid that *I* can't change.
*sigh* You're not a brat, can't. I totally agree that this feels very unfair. I'm just glad to hear that it has all been worth it for some of the people who have been working the program longer than I.
(and sorry for hijacking to blah blah blah about my own thoughts - just wanted to say I feel like what you are saying parallels a lot of what I have been feeling.)
I have been at this a looong time. Right here, believe me, we care.We all share the same pains.
I remember feeling as you do. What I found was I had never gotten out all the frustration and bitter anger I had for the A's disease. I have written him hundreds of letters thru the years and never mailed them. I got my anger out of me. Also I have screamed in a pillow a few times. Pretended he was tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut, and told him ALL the stuff I had inside.
When we hold in our feelings, it burns us from the inside out. It is a fact people who love or haved loved A's have a lot more digestive issues, headaches and depression. Exercise helps lots, when we feel that anger inside, it helps to eat healthy and do our best to keep us well.
Alanon meetings are a godsend. I invite you to find meeting places where you live. Also there are great meetings right here in the chat room.
Please know to really "get" the alanon experience and learn tools to deal with these types of obstacles, we need to give it a realy chance, that is time,and reading and responding and posting.
Glad you are here!!! Please come back! love,debilyn
in my life - it was good. 
