The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I never understood how people could go searching for the "smoking gun", and yet there I went on my search and found what I was looking for. I had all the pointers to my qualifier's drinking problems, but it wasn't enough. She ended it over a year aog and I am moving on and working my program. And yet, I'm an alanonic so I need my proof, and I got it and although it doesn't change anything in reality, part of me feels so much worse.
Now for those of you who don't know, my qualifier is in alanon and was before we met. That's a different story for another day I guess. However, when we met I didn't understand alanon and was surprised that she drank and she said his problem doesn't preclude her frm drinking. I drank and still do so I had no issue at all with that and still don't
OK, A little over a year ago she had a graduation party for her son finishing high school. I was ot of town for my nephew's graduation, so I missed her party and she didn't come with me for my family gig. Her ex-husband was going to her party which was a concern since his drinking is what tore the marriage apart and really affected her daughter emotionally. Anyway, the day after her party we sopke on the phone and she said the party was fun and I asked if her ex stayed sober and she said he was not an issue. Then she became very animated in telling me about a drinking game they played called Beirut where you have to get a ping pong ball in to a cup of beer and who drinks is determined by if you get it in or not. I thought that was a bit odd for an alanon to be doing, and she said there was just a little beer in each cup (think Richie Cunningham on Happy days).
Well, we never ended up discussing it further. and now, over a year later I get some photos of the "game". There is the whole family and lots of friends playing this game. A table covered with cans and cups. A photo of her playing and another of her ex playing with her standing right behind him. The photos were taken by the daughter.
I guess I'm wondering, aside from my losing my program for a bit with my suspicions and such, does this sound screwed up? I don't know any alanon who would play a drinking game. I don't know anyone who would play a drinking game if thier ex was present and had a drinking problem. I certainly don't know anyone who would do so with their kids and their kids friends and also with the dad who is a problem drinker. I also don't know anyone in their 40's who plays drinking games. I was a huge partyer back in the day. I have no issues with drinking at all unless it affects someone directly (including the drinker). I'm thinking she has a problem and I know it isn't my problem, but am just wondering wtf?
I like your awareness that this focus is on HER. The important question is probably, how are YOU affected?
However, I understand how you must feel. I would also wonder just the same. Since it's a family disease, it's unfortunate when I see parents acting as such enablers to their own children. I believe that when children are brought into the mix, it makes adults feel it's just innocent fun.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
-- Edited by glad lee at 16:45, 2008-07-28
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((((((Paul)))))), My friend. She may or may not be able to see her drinking problem. She may or may not "get" alanon. What she is, is touched by the family disease of alcoholism. Now I have done some rather odd things while with my "A". And I have certainly at times had the thinking of if you can't beat them join them. But my kidos have stopped me from having that thinking.
What good does putting the focus on her do for you? Keep the focus on you.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Well there are al anons who drink. Personally I don't. I can't really call myself an alcoholic but I have made some very stupid decisions while drinking so I don't. I am now 6/7 years without drinking anything.
I think there is a red flag flapping in the wind there for you. I also know for me having an ex around would be a very very boundaried proposition. Not everyone gets there. I have to say too that I have known about this program for more than 20 years. I did not come here till I was on a total bottom a few years ago. I had to get to that point to start putting up boundaries.
I do not think we look for red flags but if one presents itself now I acknowledge it. I hid them before, I breezed through them, I denied them, I made light of them, I used them to redouble my efforts. Your questions and concerns are healthy not obsessive.
I remember the early days in program coming to the awareness "What you don't know can't hurt you but what you suspicion can kill you!" One year in searching and you feel better for it? More justified? Al-Anon acceptance taught me to accept the "fact" of the situation...insanity is a fact of the situation of alcoholism and the games and drinking personality problems and screwed up self management are also parts of the insanity. I say if you stick around for a while and keep your ears and mind open you will hear and experience tons of insane rationalizations and justifications for risky personal choices. "We are as sick as the alcoholic" and are in recovery because we have been just as affected as the alcoholic except that we have not had the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. I came into this program so mind and soul sick I thought that if I could quietly lay still for a while and hold my breath my life would end. I then met many members who were worse than I and who invited me to participate in their insanity too. Thank God I was so sick that the answer No! came easily then. Alcoholics and members of the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups do not have any guarantees and this extends over to me getting envolved with another member with the expectations that because we are "in" program that program is "in" us. When I meet other "qualified" members of either program I don't raise my expectations beyond what all the sickness I have witnessed. Looking good on the outside doesn't mean the inside is healed.
I also found pictures from the past and then I threw them away. It's not what's happening today and I can't use "I was right" to replace "I am happy." I'd rather be happy than right.
Norwood - This was her son's HIGH SCHOOL graduation party??!?!!? Sorry...I had to re-read your post before I caught that. Yeh - well.......I was going to say a lot about detaching - and living and let live, etc. But, honestly - this crosses some boundaries in my book. That being said.....it's still none of your concern. Maybe you're (we're) right in our assessment of this being over the top; and maybe we're not. It's really not ours to judge. Yep....I'm back to live and let live.
It's not worth losing your program over. In fact, it's more reason to dig deeper into the program. Gave me pause, too. I realize my knee-jerk REACTION reflex is still in hyper mode. Thanks for a much needed reality check here.
Chalk it up to experience! I've been there, done that and bought the damn t-shirt even. All I know is that "what you don't know won't hurt you, what you do know may kill ya."
So you feel off the wagon, pick yourself right back up, dust yourself off and get back on the wagon If you need, use some post-it notes to remind yourself that today is Day 1, the first day of the rest of your life. And when you think you may feel the need to find the smoking gun, go to your post-it notes. For me, I wrote down the date and I added "love yourself, Maria, self-care." Then I've got my other post-it from my son saying "love you Mom." That's all the motivation I needed.
Again, welcome aboard, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
If you need, use some post-it notes to remind yourself that today is Day 1, the first day of the rest of your life. And when you think you may feel the need to find the smoking gun, go to your post-it notes. For me, I wrote down the date and I added "love yourself, Maria, self-care." Then I've got my other post-it from my son saying "love you Mom." That's all the motivation I needed.