and then I feel I cannot cope with any of it even though I am conscious that I am leaning on my HP and letting go, letting God.

I have spent the last two weeks taking phone call after phone call and reading text after text and hearing my daughter's sadness;  it seems that she will never to happy, never be loved and pampered, always be made to feel that she does not do enough.  The latest, her financee tells her that he is not going to bring her flowers, tell her he loves her because she does not deserve it.  He says that she is always miserable, and does not make him feel that he wants to spoil her.  He does not help her around the house though he is good to her children and is taking some part in being there for them, and they see him as a better father than their paternal father who is a violent, bully who always beat their mother to pulp.

However, whilst my daughter's financee has become a 'family man' all he does is come home from work and expect my daughter to do everything for him; he does not even know how to work a washing machine and does not even do the washing up...even though my daughter works full time too.  She says she feels she has simply gained a fourth child that she has to run around after...and that she is trying to not be miserable and even when she is miserable the children too are calling her miserable too.  She loves her financee so much, with every fibre of her being though when I tell her to sit down and write a list of the good things about him she tells me right now she cannot think of one good thing about him, and that she thinks it is because she has gained weight that he is going off her.

She earns more than her financee which seems to be a problem too.  He does not like his job, works hard but then thinks that that is enough as long as he plays on the x-box with the children.  He likes the money she earns but does not like her being at work.

Well, I say you cannot have it both ways, and it is time that he paid into the household regularly, (she tells me they have tried to talk about that one - but each time the children become involved) and that it is time he stopped being a 'bully' 9which she says she has told him, and that he agrees that he is a bully) as I see that as psychological game playing and cruel..."I won't treat you unless I think you have been good to me" attitude - does not wash with me and I say she needs to think of that approach as emotional blackmail and not honest.  I hate that approach.  My X used to do that to me and I turned myself inside out and eventurally did not know who I was nor did I get to the point of feeling I was worth it by the time I had finished running around after him and changing myself.

I have tried using al-anon tools in this situation, and suggest al-anon tools to my daughter and told her that this is a form of 'bullying', mental bullying, and that she should say he needs to cough up regular house keeping and do some jobs around the place too for he is NOT a child and needs to see that she is running herself ragged here.  If both are working full time, it is quite wrong for one to feel they have the right to be waited on hand and foot when they get home.  This modern work-a-day style of living cannot support a "little wifey at home" attitude without the "little wifey at home who also works fulltime" running out of steam and becoming depressed.

Now I have come to a grinding halt; it is all too much and I am overwhelmed with heartache and tears.  I see my life being enacted out in my daughter's situation and I know what happened to me and I am trying to help my daughter become aware and try to change her responses before it is too late and she collapses altogether as I did;  now is the time I need to step away from this for feel that I cannot help anymore...I have no more words for her, though I have love as deep as the ocean and as big as the world forever and will always try to be there for her.

And yet I feel I am 'flogging a dead horse' here, as the saying goings.  I am I not prepared to do this any longer.

Saying that prayer again:

"God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference...over, and over and over again."

I still feel that once I go down there at the beginning of August so that my daughter and her financee can come up to my home for a week away from it all and spend some quality time together, talk without being interupted by children, do things for each other and not let things be one sided, and spend some time really resting and relaxing that they may be able to actually listen, hear and agree to compromise and both work this through together whilst spending quality time with each other.

I have been baking and have filled the freezer with homemade meals, and there will be no housekeeping to do, or shopping, washing, ironing, managing children, pets, and work either...just day to day looking to the two of them.

I have worked hard in my large garden and it is beginning to look quite lovely, so there will be no weeding, lawn mowing, digging and clearing for them to do there either...they will be able simply to sit out and enjoy the fruits of my labour and relax.

And I have arranged a manicure, facial and hair-do for my daughter and a friend is loaning them her car so that they can go out to places.  And I have managed to get them passes for two days out at a country park with afternoon tea.  I have also managed to secure a pass so that they can go watch the football on a big screen as they both like that, and filled my larder so they do not need to go shopping for food unless they fancy something I have not provided.

I cannot afford to do anymore as it will be very expensive for me when I go to look after the children...but hey, I don't mind for I do not see them much and I have saved up since Christmas for this treat.

And I am still feeling worried and sad and so concerned for it really does seem like I am offering my daughter (who has never had a holiday ever - even as a child)and her financee the booby prize as I cannot afford to send them away to a hotel to be pampered...but hey I know that is me, for she and he are looking forward to this so it is just me that is feeling like this.

Then I come here and read the things others are dealing with right now and my heart again aches so much and I want to stop the pain and the heartache and the injustices and the hurts for everyone and I weep for you all as you walk your paths.

I feel the desparation in the posts, and the losses and the broken-ness, and it all gets too much.

Thanks for listening to this big softy, this tear-stained overwhemed being that feels like a sponge that needs to be wrung out.  These days I just don't seem to be able to take as much as I did in the past when I was a Samaritan...right now I feel that I have the world's sorrows on my shoulders and I am being crushed by it...now I just want to be able to listen, hug you all - including my daughter and her financee-who-is-so-laid-back-he-is -horizonally-and-needs-a -'boot up the b*******'-as his mother would say - and still remain happy, but I cannot - I am sad from hearing, sharing and loving and wanting to make a difference and be there for those less fortunate than me.

Don't know what to do, or how to react and make myself feel I can cope right now.  Will I always keep coming back to this point where I feel I am overwhelmed and life is too hard?  Family, I love you all so very much, it hurts.

Suzannah