The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally stood up for myself to the A who has been treating me like crap for a few months (after weaseling back into my life even though he humiliated at the beginning of the year).
I told him I wouldn't keep coming over when he called after hanging out with other people (lately a girl he swears he's not sleeping with... like that's the point), usually drunk, almost always high. We're supposed to be good friends but lately he doesn't treat me like one and the last time we had actual plans, he stood me up and never attempted to make any more plans again. Just our usual routine of me coming over to baby him after his weekend of getting messed up, and whenever else he found it convenient.
He said it wasn't like that. He said he didn't mean to make me feel that way. He said he would make sure he didn't make me feel that way anymore. Then in order to show who was still in charge, he wouldn't say whether that meant doing things differently or just not seeing me anymore. "Because I'm me and I can do that. I guess you'll hafta wait and see."
Ugh. Charming, no?
I don't want to wonder which it'll be. I'm trying not to care, especially because I know that if it's the former, I'll have a harder time sticking to my guns and not letting him back in... again. But of course I can't help but want to see the effort a little. At least I wouldn't feel like he really didn't care. But he probably doesn't. He can't because he numbs out all caring with substances. And whether or not he cares is not the point. The point is being involved with him makes me feel bad.
Sorry for rambling...
I'm really proud of myself for doing what I know is the right thing for me. I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I'm proud of myself for remaining calm and emotionally neutral during the phone call.
At the same time, I can't help but feel a little sad and lonely. I know I was already sad and lonely anyway but still... I got used to the routine. I'm not good with change, even when it's good change.
I know I shouldn't but I'm kinda beating myself up for being upset. I've been wanting this for weeks and now I'm a little weepy and can't sleep. :P I feel ridiculous.
I know I just hafta ride this out and I'll feel better soon.
I have to trust that whatever happens will be what is supposed to happen and relax. I know my HP is the one that set this up for me. I've been very clearly guided through the process leading to this for a couple weeks now, step by step (and only kicking and screaming half the way... lol ;P) Even just tonight I was fed the process a little at a time and finally given the perfect opportunity to directly express my boundaries.
I'm looking forward to not dealing with the lies and the last minute calls. I'm looking forward to being free to possibly develop an actual meaningful relationship with someone who is willing and able to give back and appreciate me. I'm looking forward to not caring what he's doing again. I'm looking forward to not being embarassed anymore (all of our mutual friends know he treats me like crap).
I just wish I was better at sleeping alone. :P
I wish I was better at not worrying about what will be. Not worrying about whether he was too drunk to remember the conversation in the morning (I didn't realize he was drunk at first). Not worrying about what he'll decide to do. The only thing that matters for me is what I've decided to do. I know can't control what he'll do no matter how much I'd like to be able to. (It still sucks though.)
Sorry this is so long and kinda whiny. I appreciate having been able to get it out here in a safe place. Thanks. :)
Actually, I'm feeling a lot more calm now and really ready to lay down.
I feel a little bit better this morning but really didn't sleep well at all. I need a nap in the worst way, already. But that's not in the cards.
So I wrote a letter with the stuff I wish I'd had the opportunity to say/clarify. I think it's clear, calm, and everything I have to say. I haven't decided if I'm going to send it or not. I plan to sit on it until at least lunchtime and see how I feel about it then.
I think it might make me feel better to know I put it out there (usually does) regardless of the reaction or lack thereof. I've already decided I don't want this anymore so there's not really anything to lose right? Well nothing but losing face and I don't think anything in the letter really does that.
It's been the only way to get things across to him without him shutting me out, in the past so it's probably not a bad idea. And if he doesn't read it he doesn't read it. Nothing I can do about that. I'll just do what I've done before. Send it and leave it be. I find it easier to let it go if I feel I've said what I needed to whatever the result and it's never actually been negative.
There's this guy who sells supplies to my work. He'll lead me on and talk about going to lunch or going out on a date... Then something always comes up. So last weekend I finally confronted him via text and said look if you're not interested just tell me and I'll never bother you again. I didn't hear back so I assumed that should be taken as a never bother me again.....
Sooooooo the next Wed. (that's the day he comes to my office) he hunts me down in the hall and says he wants to "talk" to me. So I take him in my office and he tells me this story about his ex girlfriend and he's talking to her and trying to work something out blah blah blah. And wraps it all up with .... BUT you never know... LOL and I said YA you never know...
After he left I sat and pondered that for a while. He has been with this girl in the past and would rather try a SECOND chance at something that didn't work than to have a first chance with me. All the while expecting ME to sit around and wait on his "you never know" carrot that he left dangling there for me. And I thought I DO know!!! There is no way in hades that I would ever give HIM another chance! I refuse to be second to some girl he couldn't make it work with the first time!!! He had been stringing me along for MONTHS!
All along he would say one thing but actions would say another and I always have a plan B so I didn't really care, I still had things to do and had plenty of fun without him!!! BUT it took him saying THAT to me to make me realize how ridiculous I had been acting all along. How crazy is it to tell someone (basically) well.... you just wait around and see if I can't find something better??? AS IF!!!!!!
I don't know why but I thought that related to your story. See if you feel the same?
Detachment helps. Detachment takes practice. Look up the archives of some people here. They did not get better overnight. They were once totally enmeshed. We worked the program, detached, used some of the tools and guess what it got better. Life is a hard slog sometimes without being totally absorbed with someone else's problems. These days I have quite enough of my own. Now I did not get there overnight. I can still slip and slide too.
Keep coming here, keep sharing, keep reading. Keep working on the steps and the tools. sometimes it does not happen quickly but it does happen.
