The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I am looking for some hope here, but I just wondered- once again- if anyone ever sees thier A. I know I have asked this question before- forgive me. My As mom and I have been talking that he really seems to think that when he gets out of jail his life and himself are going to be different. But, it's like she says, he thinks that every time. I really think he BELIEVES he will be. I mean how you could you think that you are going to go back to a life like he was living...
I think they BELIEVE their life is going to be different. My ex has pulled off "different" many times. It just never sticks because HE never changes. His core stays the same. Even today, my ex looks like he's got it all together. Looks like he is productive member of society. But really, he isn't paying support for his kids, he refuses to see them, he stole my mother's credit cards and her diamond ring, he raped me, and he treated me worse than any human should ever be treated. But if you ask him, I'm POSTITVE he BELIEVES he has changed. But his core is still the same. And eventually, he will go back to the rock he crawled out from. Might take 20 years. And ya know what Code? If he doesn't, if he has TRULY changed, I will know because the amends he has to make will be to me and MY kids. And they will be HUGE. And the day THAT happens then I will be sure that he has changed. Until then I know, he is no different. He is still a sick addict living a half life.
I love Debilyn's advice. Something I needed to hear myself. If the focus remains on whether or not he is going to change, then the focus is not on yourself. You've got your own life to live - your own self to take charge of. He's either going to change or not, use or not, be with you or not. What are YOU going to do?
Is it okay to say that I am going to continue my life? Is it okay to say that I am going to "be there" to see what he does as I continue to do my thing? Is it okay to plan a trip with him post jail? If I let him back in does that mean I am no longer healthy?
It means what you want it to mean. This is YOUR life to live the way YOU see fit. Do what you want. You only get one go around. But just stay in program because it will only help you. This program will NEVER hurt you. I can't tell you how many times I went back to my ex. More times than I should have maybe. But everytime I went back there were good times and memories made and there was love (on my part). I do not ever regret going back. Everytime I left and went back I learned something new about myself. I hung onto this program with both hands and I grew.
You get to decide what you want for your life, how you want to live and with whom. Spending time with an A who you love will not suck out the things you have learned so far. It doesn't negate what you now know. Just keep comming back and posting and stay safe.
It took me so long to get to the point where I really understand this! In my own life, I know I went back many times too many but as seren said there is something to be learned from every time. I find that my life is easier without him. I never thought that would be the case but it has been. Seems like it took an eternity for me to get to the point where I stopped thinking in terms of us and started thinking in terms of I as an individual. For the longest time it felt wrong and selfish. Now the other way of thinking seems ridiculous. It's all about perspective. All I can say is that I never have PLANS with anyone, I hope that things will go a certain way and i always have a plan B that only involves me. I am perfectly happy either way it turns out. So if you do plan a trip, I would have a ..... and if he doesn't come...... plan. I would know exactly how it would look and what I would do on the trip alone. That works for me. It isn't just A's that we can't rely on and pin our happiness to, it's anyone other than ourselves!
