The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It helps to come back and read what I and others have previously posted. Perhaps I will get in a better frame of mind by doing so.
Today I am "feeling" all this stuff about a disease is just a big fat excuse for people who don't care enough about themselves and those who love them to even try.
Today it's as if saying it's all a horrible "disease" is just my excuse to stay in an unhappy situation that will likely get worse.
Today I feel sad. My friend who spent over 25 years with her A husband who has a house filled with memories of him that are good, pictures on the wall of the family etc... today I cry because he ended his life because of alcohol, at the same time saying he loved her and wanted to "work it out" same words I hear all the time.
My friend is incredibly strong and has been in alanon for many years. I know she will be okay. It's as if she accepted this long ago.
I know I cry for her .. but to be honest too I cry because I see this is where my life could be going I can do my best to , make memories , hang pictures, fix up our home- create what might look like a life together- but it feels like I'm doing this alone, like I'm the one working to build an illution of a real life together.
Live for today, focus on me, he's either gonna drink or not what am I gonna do... all makes sense and helps in the moment but really seems empty when it's as if I was shown a "fast forward" picture to the ending of my story.
I even do and say "unhealthy" things to try to build this life. It's sometimes as if I would grab at any straw or string anything to build a life with this person, if we just had something that really "connected" us. He says the right things but day after day there is some reason why I am just "waiting" cuz it's gonna get better...it does get better sometimes.. but that is often followed by days of distance (usually due to his drinking each night, and or being too tired from work or money problems or always some reason why we don't build on whatever good times we may have had).
I know that is what alanon is all about, building my life, having my head on straight, knowing what I want think and feel seperate from the effects of the disease. It's just every time I get a little glimer of hope of a real connection with my A I become hyper focused on that and forget that it really all has to start with me anyway.
This is why it works so well for him to always be at arm's distance, this is why he won't go to the service with me... this is why he will always be just out of reach for me... he is safe there.. yet gets his needs met on his terms...and I keep trying...I don't want to leave him.. I can't seem to detach enough, yet, living with him.
I really sense your pain. It seems as if you are answering your own questions, I know they may not be the answers you want. It doesn't have to be a sad place for you, I know of lots of ppl that stay with active A's and have their own lives & have found peace in it.
I had to have my own space, to be alone, to develop, to learn how to love myself. I am so distracted in a relationship, I am still looking for balance. I don't want the other person to be the center of the universe for me, that isn't healthy & I'm sick of it. I am becoming my own center.
I guess I felt real alone at first too, when I realized I had to be my own champion, that it all came down to me ~ it was kind of scary. But it is truth, this is our life & it does come down to us. We can live for someone else but that is very unfulfilling & we're at the whim's of someone who's mentally ill anyway. I owe it to myself & god for giving me this life, to live it to my best ability, that means loving myself with integrity & it is all a new experience for me.
Last year at this time, I'd have said I love myself 1%. Maybe I'm at 5% by now. In a few years, I'll be loving myself a lot more and that is exciting & gives me hope, encouragement & makes me want to persevere. Three months ago, I was still coping by having suicidal ideations. They have been gone for a couple of months & just not feeling like that, has given me new perspective lately.
It takes a lot of courage to be so honest & vulnerable. Realize your strength, see it and embrace it. I encourage you to keep posting and stay focused on yourself. I know it sounds so easy or myabe it sounds lame but it does get better. I have found it to be a relief to know all I have to do, is handle myself, it's a blessing each day, I'm learning ot be better to myself and I've been happy the last few weeks too.
Hang in there, love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
As Kitty said, hang in there. How sad for your friend. I so understand that trying to make a life with a person who hangs out at an arm's distance or as mine behind a wall where he is comfortable. I planned the family events, took the pictures, made the traditions, and thought I was doing the right thing. But it was not enough or the right thing for him. I know the sadness and the pain and I cry for the losses. I just trust in what the Alanoners say adn listen to my HP.
Glad - thanks for your post. I relate to it so very, very much. That "arm's length" thing is especially hard for me. Of course, I've talked to my A about that - and he seems genuinely puzzled by that. He doesn't at all think that he keeps me at arm's length. Maybe this is as close as he's able to get? I sometimes step back and watch this girl (myself). She's running around making this life (hanging the pictures, planning the events). It's kinda sad, actually. It's hard to love an A. The distance can most definitely be very real. I am such an open book emotionally - and it's just foreign to me why he's not anywhere close to that.
It saddens me to hear of your friend's husband. It's so close to home and it's absolutely heartbreaking.
Hang in there, Glad. You're definitely not alone in what you're feeling.
