hard time with trust - Al-Anon Family Group

charlescharles · Veteran Member

hard time with trust

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

What worked for me was deciding what I really wanted from my A, and what I didn't really need. For me, what I really needed was to be treated well when he was with me. What he did when away was as much out of my control, and, in a way, as much not my business, as whether he was drinking. He was out of town on business a lot, and I realized that to me, at home, whether he was sitting quietly in his motel room watching a movie, or out screwing around and getting drunk, the effect was the same - I was still at home alone living my life. So, I decided not to torment myself imagining what he was up to, but instead just to spend my time alone in the best way for me. As long as he was not chosing to be away during time that *could* have been spent with me and the kids, and as long as he treated me the way I wanted to be treated when he was with me, the rest I just let go of.

Now, not everybody will agree with this, and not everybody can live this way. This is what worked for me - accepting that he was who he was, and he did what he did, and as long as I was still getting enough of what I needed to make the marriage worthwhile, that was OK. It wasn't easy to get to this point, and I don't know if I could have lived this way for the rest of my life. But, it worked for the time it needed to work - we were able to live together in peace and acceptance and our own kind of love.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH did the look me in the eye and deny, deny, deny thing. He would get sooo indignant and act like how dare I not trust him. Looking back it is almost funny how I fell for that bs for so long. It was all a snow job.

I learned to trust my instincts and go with the history that was right in front of me. It worked, and now I know that when my AH was really ready to change, all the bs was eventually gone. When he really got serious, he got real and quit playing games. So did I. I finally told him that I did not trust him, when his words didn't make sense I told him so, and I was watching his actions not taking his word anymore cause his word was worthless to me.

That was hard, but I finally did not back down and when I change things start to change. He knew he didn't have me snowed anymore. It didn't even matter if I knew what the truth was, I just knew I wasn't getting it from him. It really helped me to actively trust myself. I learned that I could tell him that and leave it at that. I didn't have to have all the answers. I could let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. I didn't have to get involved with it all. I didn;t have to let him drag me into the world of make-believe and chaos.

Then I could detach my feelings and get down to the business of finding out what I needed to do to take care of me. I would ask myself often "How do I feel? What do I need right now?" This was the hardest part for awhile. I had no idea how I felt. I had no idea what I wanted or needed. I had been focused for so long on the A that I had completely lost touch with my own needs. So that was where I started working.

It worked for me that way. I also got a sponsor and started working the steps and did at least one meeting a week f2f then later 2-4 meetings a week for awhile. Now 2 seems to do it, but I am doing some service work now too. All of this helps keep me grounded. Esp my home group.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest.

In recovery,

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

My only esh is to keep the focus on my own behavior and not hers. Try to be totally trustworthy yourself with as many people in your life as possible. Focus on the really good trustworthy people you do know and give thanks for them. Spend time with them, develop trust where you see its earned because trust is earned. You earn trust with others and others earn it from you. It takes a lot of time and diligence. Hugs, J.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

oh trust is such a hard thing with people who don't trust others.

Example:

My A does not trust me to trust him- no matter what he assumes I will think the worst of him ( it's a "mommy" thing- his mom thinks everyone is lying cheating etc... ) so therefore he goes to NO effort to reassure or explain anything- which makes him seem like he's hidding stuff and I know at least some of the time he actually had nothing to hide- but hide hide hide hide everything and get really defensive and go on and on about how bad I am for accussing him..when all the heck I am doing is trying to develop trust by communicating....oh well I only described how bad this sucks in case your in similar situation...sometimes they just hide or act defensive about everything ?? Sometimes people do hide things.

I know I have been trying to get my guy to tell me the whole truth about a similar situation for over 3 years and I only hurt myself every time I bring it up.
He is do DEAD set on not discussing it that even when I say I might not be able to stay with him ---- if we don't resovle it ---still NOTHING. When I tell him how bad it hurts to be in the dark about something so important it's like it just strokes his ego to be able to with hold something from me it's a power thing I guess but when or if I do end this it will definitly be at least in part because he has enjoyed hurting me for so long over something that could be resolved with open honesty- no matter what it is. Right now I hate him as I think of this.l... it will pass it always does.
Sorry for the rant!
Having a bad day!

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Words of wisdom:

I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.

My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.

Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily and you know it.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.

I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.

Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.