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My son is the alcoholic and he's on his own struggling in life because he made it that way!! He is living with his friend and his friend's mother and he blew all his money! He called my younger son and told him he was hungry and he had no money to buy food. Well, my younger son is very strong when it comes to his older brother needing his help. He tells him flat out no, you are where you are in life because you chose to be there. My QUESTION is since I'm trying not to enable my son, if he calls me and tells me he is hungry and has no money, do I tell him NO, I'm not going to help you any more? Or is this just out right mean? I'm so confused with boundaries and worried if I help him he'll just keep bugging me for food all the time? But I don't want him to starve either. PLEASE ADVISE, I want to do the right thing! I'm going to be attending my first AA meeting tonight and then an Al-anon meeting Thursday.
First of all, my heart goes out to you; this is a tough situation for any parent. You said that your son was living with his friend and his friend's mother. I, therefore, assume that he isn't going to "starve". They are not going to sit down to dinner and leave him hungry in the corner. And if he agreed when he moved in that he would help pay for food, that's their problem to deal with. I also have concern about your younger son, that if you bail out big brother, he is going to have some feelings about that and given what you said about his ability to set clear boundaries, they are likely not going to be positive ones. I tell you what, the "right thing" is just what you are doing by attending AA and Alanon meetings. I can tell you myself that I wouldn't be helping anyone who, as you said in your first sentence, is struggling due to their own choices. I think you can love him, realize he has an addictive disease, and gently but firmly let him face the consequences of his choices in life, as we all must. Bless you and remember you are only responsible for your own life, as are each of us. Oh, and keep coming to these boards and online meetings because you will find wisdom in what others are doing in their own lives.
When It comes to my child, I would do what my heart tells me is right. We cannot lay down a set of "rules" and never budge from them. I don't think giving him a meal is going to undermine any recovery. There comes a point at which we must consider both sides of the "boundary coin." Again, I cannot stress strongly enough, giving your son a meal is NOT going to make him progress or regress. It is going to make his tummy feel better.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well I guess you could give them something they can only use for food like a safeway voucher or something. All of us have been through this the demand, save me stuff. I find it very tiring myself. There was a time when I jumped for it and lived for it. This is a process and I am not sure one can plan for a process. Everyone has an individual relationshp with an A. I gave an alcoholic who lives in my house $5.00 this week, he immediately went and bought liquor. Do I feel bad? Not any more. Before I would I would have taken it personally. The issue is they make the decision to drink I don't.
Boundaries are for your peace of mine, not anyone else's recovery.
Providing a hungry person with an occasional meal would bring me peace of mind. As long as it did not become expected by the other person and that it was understood I would not give money.
I agree with the replys of others offer to buy him food (goceries ) or a meal cash is only going to go to booze . Love him help when u can . Until his enablers stop doing what thier doing absolutley nothing will change for him by enabling we keep giving them a soft landing which allows his behavior to continue . Letting go is difficult but necessary for change to take place . We have an amazing pamphlet called Detachment is is purple in color , costs 5-15 cents i bought dozens of them andhad them in every purse in my car and dresser drawers hehe this helped me to remember what to do and what not to do . hopefully it will help you too , u will find this at your al anon meeting . good luck Louise Just love him and accept where he is at . and remember that he too has a HIGHER POWER AND HE WILL TAKE HIM WHERE HE NEEDS TO GO .
I feel for you as I am also mom to A son. He is in dire straits right now and we are facing the same kind of dilemna....not exactly a meal, but bigger!! As to the meal: if he is finding money to buy alcohol, he is choosing that over food. That is generally the way it is. IF he is not buying alcohol, then that is another question. The real thing is to know the truth. And that will be difficult to find. There are always charity kitchens and if he has a place with friends, I also doubt he is starving. Good luck. Being parent to addicted children is my true definition of hell on earth. There are no good answers.
For me, my A is my husband. When he chose drugs over us, he pulled the same thing on me. Begging me to let him come home because he had nothing to eat. I provided him food and drinks, but brought them to where he was staying. I did this for a few weeks, feeling guilty because I wouldn't let him come home. One thing led to another, and he ended up in rehab (thank God!) and I had to go clean out where he had been staying..... ALL the food and soda I brought him was sitting there, untouched!!!! He had begged and begged, and never once ate ANY of it!
One of our friends, also in recovery, explained this to me...... an addict will do whatever it takes to get what they want, especially when it comes to their drugs. If he can be so determined to get high, let him take that energy and put it to finding ways how to survive. If he wants it (food, shelter, warmth) bad enough, he'll find a way to get it .... just like he finds a way to get his drugs.
I never once looked back. It made that much sense.
hi dear roxy. In my experience it is enabling to do ANYTHING for the addict.
He has to find out for himself how to survive. If we feed them,cloth them,house them we are only helping the disease to be comfy!! There are foodstamps, places all over that will give him free food.Shelters, if he is hungry enough with not home,no nothing, he will be very miserable.
He has a chance then to face it is his "disease" his using that put him there!! He will do anything to get help if he gets that far!! If we intervene we are babying the disease.
Keeping his body going to do more drugs!!
If he is smart enough to get drugs, he is smart enough to get food. It is the disease that is pulling on your heart,not your son.
No matter what you do, he can sell the food, never give money, he can sell anyting you give him!!
he will see you as a weak person who he can use to get what his disease really wants and that is to use!!!
I invite you to allow your dear son a chance to get up by himself!! IF you do anything to disrupt this progression, he as a HUGE chance moving back in when he is in his 30's, 40's, 50's, and on!!
It is up to you. I know from lots of experience,NOT to do anything. I wish someone would have told me what I am sharing with you!
Hugs, keep coming back!!! love,debilyn who has seen many miracles from allowing them to learn what it takes to survive without us enabling!!
I haven't read the other replies yet so I hope I am not being redundant. There are food pantries that he can go to. You could look up the number or the times of these pantries and give him those when he calls. That way you are not giving him money. Or, you could take him grocery shopping. Or out to lunch. That way you are not taking away his right to live his life the way he sees fit. And you are not really enabling. I have never, ever met an A who uses money for food. Never. Ever. They might buy a slice of cheese and a 12 pack but never ever do they take money and go grocery shopping. I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
Take him to a shelter that serves food. Pick him up and drop him off. I agree completely with Debilyn. to delay him from hitting his bottom is enabling. Hugs, J.
As you can see, there is no one right answer to this question.
If it would make you feel resentful and as if you were being used to feed him, don't feed him. If it would take a load off your mind to know he was fed, feed him. If you think feeding him will make him grateful and then you can use that to influence his actions - don't feed him, as it won't work.
It's not enabling to care what happens to your loved one, and to love him. So, do what makes you feel better, and stop before you start to feel resentful. Don't have any expectations so you won't be disappointed. You know that an alcoholic will lie, and probably cheat and steal, and you love him anyway. You don't have to thrust him out into the outer darkness, but you don't have to be his patsy either. Learning where to draw that line is what alanon is for.
I'll preface the below with the fact that I am not the mother of an alcoholic. But going to Alanon lo these many 8 years and attending AA meetings as well, here's some good information shared with me.
Parenting - the toughest job in the world <sigh> Good Luck, Maria
I am an alcoholic, I need your help. Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily and you know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you. Your Alcoholic
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Roxygirl, I also have an A son that is currently homeless... The past couple years I have hurt soooo much! Some things that were pointed out to me on this sight by other members that caught my attention and have turned out to be true are; Addicts are very resilient, he will find food, shelter, whatever! And another, a member asked me "has what you have been doing worked." The answer was "NO"... I have cried, panicked, stayed up all night but I took the advise and have stopped helping with food, gas, everything.
I started going for walks each day and even hiking. I say prayers for him but try to focus more on my younger son, who has been shoved aside the past couple years because of the A son. The A son is so self serving it was never enough anyway... He just kept draining me and has even blamed me. Some how they suck you in. I have a 13 year old that still needs me. The A son chose the life he wants, he can deal with the consequences! I guess I gave so much I'm now angry....
Quick answer, when my A son calls to say he and his family are hungry. I invite them to my table for a meal. I do not give them cash. I have driven them to the store to buy essentials and paid at the counter. This way I know the money is going for food. Some may say that is incorrect, I do it so I can sleep at night knowing my grandkids have eaten. I would offer a total stranger the same.
