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I am SO ANGRY! My oldest son has been talking with my A son with TBI. The A son is angry because I spoke with the extended family that A son has moved in with. They called me but that is besides the point, I had planned on calling them. And YES I explained the brain injury and A sons self distructive behavior.
Last night the oldest son called to tell me that A son is mad because I'm bad mouthing him. My oldest stated, "well mom you did go out of you way to sabbatage him..." Excuse me?????
First, I talked to the extended family because I was scared for A son. And besides, was a suppose to lie to them for him?
This is not the first time my oldest has pointed the finger at me. I had a foster daughter of 9 years. Let her stay with me at age 22 to get started in a new location. Was glad to have her. Excited even....But after 9 months of her not paying anything, not helping around the house at all, drinking every weekend, wrecking her car, getting a DUI, having her hair died monthy, and treating my younger children and me rudely, I told her that if it continued she was not welcome. I told her I do not need to be treated this way in my own home. She blew up and left and cried to oldest son that I kicked her out... Excuse me again.... ??? The oldest not only allowed her to bad mouth me but would make comments "well mom you did kick her out, what did you expect her to do?"
What am I doing wrong that I always end up being blamed for others failures regardless of how much I give....??????????
Mom Gayle
PS I feel better just venting... Lol, Thanks all....
Some people take absolutely no responsibility for their lives. Active alcoholics are one of them.
I do look these days on how I take on the blame. I do look at what is reasonable for me and what isn't. In my house I'm the only one who takes out the garbage. I watch my roommates try to slide that down to whoever will take on the task. Now I'm adamant that I'm at work all day and not putting stuff in the garbage so I'm not taking it out. Sticking to it is hard. I'd rather be the martyr. Not doing it is hard, not bitching about it is hard. Taking a different action is hard.
As codependents we want to "fix" others. We want to put our piece in what "should" be done. Sometimes we have to let things run their course, that isn't easy, certainly sometimes seems inhuman but for those who are looking to blame others they love to have a codependent around to blame their stuff on. I have to let that roll off me now.
Fixing got me into a lot of trouble. There are always tons of yes buts with the fixing. For me its about the health of the house and what I can put up with. I left the garbage full this morning, knowing the place I live at it'll be full tonight too. If its still full after a few days but I'm not emptying it till then.
I'm not going to get recognition in my dysfunctional house. They don't appreciate my efforts but are glad to "blame" someone.
I have plenty of other things to take care of and need to address them.
You are doing the best your can with what you got!! We didn't come with a guarantee that life and everyone in it, addicted or not, would love and agree with who we are and what we do. If your motives are right (program right) before you do a thing you don't have to get into the fear of their reactions. Expect what is normal for your relationship with them and you won't react with hurt and fear and self questioning. Important is "program right" and that comes from attending meetings and listening to all of the recovery feedback that has many great tool that you can have and also use in your own way. Progress not perfection. Your situation just is...you cannot change anyone but yourself and you can change how you respond to it.
Dramarama!! I just learned a new word from another member. Go figure!
I have been down that road of being blamed for others behaviors too and it just frankly got to the point that I said "THAT'S IT, I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE".
Early in my program, when my son blamed me for his addiction I took it all on like a big fur coat. One day I had finally had my fill and told him...
"You can blame me for the way you turned out but you have to blame yourself for staying that way"
He hasn't said it again since then.
I have also heard from him "Don't tell anybody about my addiction". My response was WHAT! you think they are all blind and ignorant? Believe me they already know.
If in talking to our extended family we are not gossiping or telling lies then let the chips fall where they may. My sponsor has told me more than once that dirty little secrets in a family can cause more harm than getting them out in the open. If the A's in our lives don't want others to know that they have done something then they probably shouldn't have done it in the first place.
(((hugs)))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I was told to say "You could be right". Just to consider their point. It takes away the blame in away. Even if we are responsible so what, life goes on and we are imperfect.
Your forgetting you are the parent, you are the adult, don't second guess yourself. You set down the rules, its your house. You have done nothing wrong. You set the boundaries, if they cannot abide, then they can live elsewhere. Your A son, in denial and will not accept responsibility unless he has a program. You didnt say. What your doing is proper parental control. keep it up and keep coming back and vent if you have too. Read Jerry's post again, he is right on. Luv, Bettina
I can relate to being constantly blamed for another's behavior. It happened daily when I was married to my exAH, he blamed me for "ruining our night" b/c of whatevr I had said; blamed for his behavior which I had absolutely no control or responsibility over & even things most ridiuclous, like in the news, the weather & even my ex's childhood.
Part of it for me (as Maresie talked on, us wanting to help & fix others) I always had a strong sense of responisbility, so I would try to comfort & yes, even take on things that I had no business accepting responsibility for. I had to learn that having the ability to respons to fixing the A's problem, was a job I could resign from. I simply had to disengage from it & focus on reality.
Part of that is realizing I am not able to control much. My ex probably still blames his life on me nearly ten years later, who knows! I don't care. It's sad for them, they're the ones giving away all of their power. I do not have to listen or accept what they are saying, it doesn't have to affect me at all. I have to buy into it & I am not doing that anymore.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Would you believe back in the late 80's we took a trip to Acapulco, would you beleive the A blamed me for the rain, he got his new clothes wet. Its crazy isnt it. Bettina
I would say, from my experience here and in life, that the one thing all A's have in common is the way they can always twist things around so someone else is to blame. When you are the nearest person, guess who gets blamed most?
It has nothing to do with reality, it is just a symptom of their disease. In reality, sometimes things are your fault and sometimes they aren't. You are neither all powerful always-to-blame, or powerless. So, if you really think you did something wrong, do your best to make amends. If you really think you didn't, then let the blame fall to the floor - you do not have to accept it just because someone is handing it out.
Yeah, I could not live with the constant, incessant blaming. I just could not. Maybe someone with a stronger constitution could but I just could not. it got REAL old. It became almost laughable. I caused ALL of his problems. Day in, day out, night after night, year after year- why?!
So, I got out of it. It was the best thing in the world for me to do- freedom from the noise of constant blame, shame and guilt. Guess what I have now? SERENITY!!!!! Hugs, J.
I had to learn to get out of the middle of all relationships and mind my own business, stop trying to save people I loved , stoped warning others of what could happen and in general just mind my own damn business because like u the harder i tried to *help* the more people were angry at me , so quit trying to help them and help yourself . Live and let live works for me . My relationships have all improved since I learned to simply step aside and allow people to go where they needed to go . allowing people to be who they need to be is still the hardest part of recovery for me , accepting that I don't have to like what thier doing , or condone it i just have to accept that I can't change it . I also forgot that the people I loved have a Higher Power too and that he will take them where they need to go .
(calmly) "Actually, what I said was that if he wasn't prepared to xxxxxx, he would have to leave."
..... as long as you're prepared for oldest son to take that in whatever way he takes it, not in the way you would LIKE for him to take it. (This one is hard for me; unless I'm really focused on program and calm and what's "my stuff" before I start, I have a tendency to continue pushing my own view of events. I'm practicing saying "I guess we see this one differently" sooner than 20 minutes into a discussion.)
