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My birthday is on Thurs, and as I have shared before, I don't really like birthdays. Of course, I like to be acknowledged, but absolutley do not enjoy being in the limelight. Well, my 2 older kids will both be gone on Thurs, my son at Boy Scout Camp and my daughter on vacation with my sister. I will just be home with my youngest and am fine with it. My friends are planning a night out on Friday.
My 11 yr old daughter decided she wants to celebrate my birthday tomorrow night before she leaves. I thought she was just making dinner for me and our youngest. Well, because she needs a bit of help with the whole venture, she let it slip that she invited 5 or 6 of my friends over for a dinner party. Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!
The thought just sends me into a tizzy. First of all, my house is less than company ready. Also, the outside of my house is being painted so the windows are covered in plastic and there is junk all over the deck from all the painting supplies and stuff moved away from the house. I have to work all day tomorrow.
I need her to feel valued and loved, but the thought of it all just causes anxiety. So many reasons... the attention, the details, the fact that she invited someone who really isn't my friend anymore, and that my friends are already planning on taking me out on Friday. Yeah, my life is a bit rough lately but I don't need the hooplah. I am no more special than anyone else. I mentioned to my daughter on the phone that I wasn't comfortable and she started crying as she asked if she should call and cancel. Also, she made me promise not to mention that I didn't want it. I don't want to emotionally destroy her but I am just hanging on to my sanity as it is.
I apologize for sounding selfish as I know I am blessed to be cared about. But, this is just really an emotional thing for me right now and so much more than I can handle. What do I do???
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 21:33, 2008-07-15
-- Edited by Loupiness at 00:28, 2008-07-16
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I used to feel that way until I learned that I was really good at maximizing my defects and minimizing my assets.
My mother, God rest her soul, was such a very wise woman. If I'd only known then what I now know. She would always say "if people are coming to visit me, I will roll out the red carpet (and she did), but if they are coming to inspect my house, I'd just assume they stay home."
My mother was not into housekeeping. It was a source of embarassment at times for me growing up, but I have to tell you that she could cook like nobody's business and no matter how many people stopped by, it seemed like there was always enough food for everyone. When she died, hundreds and hundreds came to her wake and funeral and told us the most amazing stories of her over and over and how much they loved her because she was always there and present for them. She truly didn't care about what the house looked like, but she treated them as guests of honor and paid them attention rather than clearing the table or picking up the house while they were there. What better gift can we ask for?
So that just my two cents, my dear. I'd go with the party because your daughter cares so much about you. Regarding the friend who's not so much a friend any more, remember sometimes HP does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, yours in recovery, Maria
P.S. Happy Birthday!!
-- Edited by Maria123 at 22:18, 2008-07-15
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
They are not coming over to inspect your house. They are not coming over for you to entertain them. They are not coming to "take" anything from you, but instead to give. So, why not let them?
Lou or is it "put?" (o: There is NOTHING wrong with telling your dear daughter how much you love her for being so thoughtful, however you are not well enough for company.
All she has to do is call people and tell them you are not feeling well.Which is the truth.
Being mentally and or emotionally under the weather is being sick too. This is where we care for our self. I do not do well with a lot of people at once. When I finally stood up for myself and said thank you for asking, however I cannot make it, I felt such relief.
I have a friend who is a doctor of all things. I was with him in the old days when he was a log haired, pot smoking student!! Now he is a very wonderful doctor, all polished with a wonderful wife.My daughter too me to his b day party at this fancy restaurant.
I took him a present of some nice Birk wool socks and this really cool antique wood level wrapped in paper bag material with flowers and greens on it that smelled heavenly. When it go to everyone sitting down to eat, I snuck out.
Later he send me the nicest note saying he loved me for coming and knew how hard it was for me. We need to be loved for who we are and accepted for who we are.
You will love how you feel when you love you enough to gracefully decline. Your daughter will be very ok.
Your heart sounds like it is an open wound right now.Take care of it. If you had a broken leg I am sure you would not go skiing!! Well maybe on your bum... hugs hon.love,debilyn
My family played some guessing game and the family had to guess how many guests I'd want at a bday party. My AH guessed 50 and all the kids knew to guess the number of our family, 6. I have often told them that I love just being with them for special things. For a big 'zero' bday, AH was gone and the kids had a ball surprising me with scads of balloons just outside my bedroom door when I woke up, car decorated with crepe paper inside etc.
Maybe you could encourage your daughter to help the little son to decorate for a private party for 3 with party games etc and you could offer to bring in take out if they would decorate a cake etc. It could keep them busy most of the day and go with the decorating style of my house too - lived in & full of love. (:
Make your birthday feel good for you and your kids will be rewarded with your special look of contentment & joy. Hope all three of you can have fun.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
wow Lou, sounds like you might just need to let go and let God and go with the flow of it- more humor might help- can you lighten up a bit more about it?
I know u know this but kids grow up and away and out of our lives pretty darn quick. Soon that daughter won't want to or be able to make such a gesture, I bet- she will be too wrapped up in her own life...I would rest in it and roll with it and try to get some humor into it, if I were you. Hugs and love, J.
As I read this, I think of how I always tried to make my mother happier. I knew she was suffering from depression and I would do things and buy things I thought would bring her out of it. Naive, but, I wanted to "fix" it.
I see both sides of this and I feel your pain....I am so sorry this has to happen during this difficult time in your life.
Choose the thing that you will feel the least amount of regret....
Will you regret not taking care of yourself? Or, will you regret disappointing your daughter more? Tough one.
Blessings on your Birthday ((((((((Lou))))))))
-- Edited by glad lee at 07:29, 2008-07-16
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Her heart was in the right place. She wanted to do something special for her Mom. How lucky you are. She loves you. She did it out of love and not to cause you angst. It was an act of love and kindness. These people are there to celebrate you , not to inspect your house, pass judgement, etc. If they are there for the latter reasons then they don't belong there or in your life.
My step-son is coming for a visit this weekend along with his new girlfriend. I'm looking around at the house and thinking there's a few things that need to be done. A few chores that need getting to. But they are not coming to see what this place looks like (they've never been here as A has always visited them). Our house looks lived in. It's not a showcase. I used to live with my Dad and step-Mom. She was so obsessed that if a glass was in the sink, the house was considered dirty.
Enjoy the dinner with friends and family. Let Go and Let God. It is what it is. Who knows you may actually enjoy yourself. Remember calories don't count on your birthday week. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Often times I've found myself projecting upon others my thoughts and feelings of judgement. Such as thinking I wouldn't have a party unless my home was finished being painted, I wouldn't go to the beach until my weight was down, I wouldn't expect others to feel good about their home not being in perfect order before having guests in. Those were MY hang ups, not theirs. Life is a choice we can either realize life is what happens while we're living or we can regret and resent everything that comes our way complaining we aren't ready yet. Have you ever watched an old movie of your childhood a Christmas or birthday and see things you had never noticed before in the past. Something that was right before your very eyes but you missed it at the time. The look on a childs face when their gift to you only received a quick nod. An elderly person in the background no one took time to speak to that entire day. When I get out of "myself" and focus on what's real I find I've given myself the most precious gift of all. Sometimes it's just not all about me, sometimes learning to receive graciously is in order. Oddly, life doesn't happen when we are completely ready for it, what I try to do is have no expectations good or bad that way I'm never disappointed. Some of my most precious memories are from unexpected hugs, a kind word that I allowed myself to receive. We are afterall a living example to our children, we must remember they learn from our examples. Be gentle with you, protesting too much over something good is nothing more than a sign that we so desperately NEED some more kindness in our lives. The people who have touched me so tenderly and deeply in my life have been those who showed kindness, those are the people I will recall for all time. Not the ones with the perfect front porch or the maticulous homes. The richest family I ever saw in my life time were desperately poor of what money could buy, but they were always together, always treated one another with love and respect, always smiled and were grateful for lifes little things. Find joy in the simple things, allow yourself to be surprised. The gift of the party is not for you, it is for your daughter who loves you and wants to thank you in her own childlike way. Be ever aware of fearing happiness, you may get your wish.
Big big hugs....I think I know how you are feeling about the birthday. Three years ago when my AH was in the hospital due to his drinking my birthday came around. I announced to family and friends that I was not going to celebrate my birthday. I let them all know that I did not want to hear about my birthday. Just leave me alone. Well, everyone abided by my wishes. I was so absorbed in my own pain that I didn't see that I had hurt those closest to me. I would not let them into my heart on that day. I found that out about 2 years later when those closest to me told me all they wanted to do was celebrate me. To show me that they loved me and were there for me. I'm sorry you are going through this rough time. Know there are people who love and care about you. I'll keep you in my prayers...hang in there.
Sounds tough. Is there a way you can move it to a restaurant without too much effort.
I had a love/hate issue with the A around birthdays and holidays. I wanted them but hated what he came up with. I wish now I had just chosen to take care of myself. I craved his attention and the little I got really grated on me.
You can set limits. If you can't take people coming to your house, move it to Chuck E cheese or something.
I'm sure your daughter can hear that the house is under construction and this isn't a time to have a party.
I know for me when people over step my boundaries I tend to over react. Reinforcing the boundary is hard for me. I stew in it. Now I tend to work on when I'm reactive, what can I do, how can I do it, how can I work on not over reacting. Of course all that negotiation is hard going but its worth it not to be stewing in resentment.
In 10 years, 20 years will you feel better about helping her be successul in throwing you are party or sabataging it... ?
Imagine sabataging it and what you are taking away from her. It is really very little to do, to sit and smile and let her shine.... This is really about her, not you in my opinion.
I'm sorry you are depressed. I feel for you truley and have been there myself. Its not too much, you just think it is Smile and have fun. Friends wont even notice the house. If they do they don't matter as much as your daughter anyway...
Thanks everyone! Of course, I posted my "emergency" and then was compelled to act immediately. I found so much wisdom in every single response. I love that there can be many different views, all expressed in love.
I decided it was just too much for me. Also, I think it would be have been a bit too much for my daughter as well. She actually seemed relieved when we decided to go to dinner with my sis-in-law and family instead. She was planning on feeding 12-14 people on $20 and going to make spaghetti.
Like you all said, she just wanted to make me feel loved. She definately accomplished her goal. I have told her repeatedly how special her gesture was and that it was the single most thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me. She just beams. My friends have all told her how wonderful and thoughtful she was too.
Honestly, I wish I could have been different, that I didn't discover her plan, or just let it happen once I did. Perhaps if I had more lead time and was able to read all the responses first, I may have done differently. Don't know, but I can respect that part of me that had to say "no" and I won't beat myself up. I've done enough of that for a lifetime. I think daughter will be fine.
I want to be one of those fun-loving spontaneous people who just goes with the flow and lets life happen. Maybe someday....
My soon-to-be ex AH is with my son at Boy Scout camp today and just had my son call and wish me a Happy Birthday. He also encouraged my little one to give me a "birthday kiss". There is still a stupid part of me that thinks, why didn't he say "Happy Birthday" to me, why does he have to be so removed, but at the same time, I think for him to acknowledge me in such a way would make me cringe and it would not feel good. Man, sometimes it is crazy being in this head of mine!
Anyhow, thank you all for being such dependable friends! As you know, to be able to post and be heard and understood is invaluable. I love MIP!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
