The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my triggers is competition. One of my roommates I have realised is quite competitive with me over space, resources and other things. I find myself constantly butting up against him. I am not sure why since I go out of my way to avoid him.
Last night I was washing my dished and he started hovering around the kitchen. Keep in mind this is someone who doesn't work at all (hasn't for a year). I just ignored him.
I grew up in a home where competition was a real issue and my elder sister had to absolutely had to win at any cost.
In some ways this could be a great opening for me to be competitive in a safe way although I feel he is really pushy about his needs. I don't interact with him at all beyond the hallo, bye, stuff. I don't even entertain a conversation with him anymore about my dogs.
The issue for me is that competition has been a huge issue in relationships. The A was very competitive about who got what and when. He was also competitive about resources and who got what. I just felt bowled over by his aggressive greediness. Some of that comes up in a different way when I deal with this roommate.
Now I can name this I feel less irritated and triggered by it. I still don't really know how to manage competitive situations though especially when they are close to home.
I know he comes from a very dysfunctional family and competed tremendously with his sisters for whatever resources they had. He's up to the same bag of tricks with me. His pushiness is very subtle and quite persistent.
The A's pushiness was at times very subtle and he was always persistent that his needs were paramount.
Before program I used to be enamoured by people who knew where they were going. Now I at least want someone who can cooperate rather than make everything into a power play.
I guess I have to monitor how I feel every day in order not to go off on a trigger and find myself lost in something that belongs in the past. I do know that competition is something I need to explore in my 4th step because it was so dysfunctional not only in my relationship but in my childhood. I don't know how to compete in a healthy way although my therapist says I am claiming my own space.
I feel like my own space is invaded all the time much as it was when I was a child. I put tremendous, tremendous effort into making a home for msyelf with the A, he destroyed every inch of it. Then he claimed it was all "his" much like my elder sister did.
These days I will not and can now allow the A to invade every 1 milimmeter of the meagre space I have. Obviously I have to work even harder on my boundaries.
you know now I have been sitting with this issue what comes up for me is gravitating towards the familiar. I know what it is to be left out, feel isolated, never feel good enough, to have to scracth to get a few crumbs. I go towards that after all its a role I know and know how to be. Letting go is something I don't have that much familiarity with. I work on letting go and not engaging and its so difficult, so new, so uncomfortable. I am only willing to do it because I know how toxic and sick I get when I am mired in resentment and obsession.
