The material presented
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"Are we dead?" is what my abf asked me last night while we were sitting at the table just staring at eachother for lack of something to say. I made a list of boundaries yesterday while he was at his 2nd group meeting which I presented to him when he got home. He told me he "understood" and that he felt that he could live within these boundaries as he "really doesnt want to be this way". I explained that those boundaries were really for me, as I dont want him to be this way and I dont want me to be this way either. An issue I am having now is that I dont feel that I can be close/intimate with him right now, and havent felt that way for a while. The 4th of July incident with him has really changed my perspective and opinion of him and truth be told, the thought of any kind of intimate exchange with him, even a hug or kiss, almost makes my skin crawl. I dont know if it was good or bad, but I told him that. Its hard for me to put aside the crazy, scary man he was on that day and remember the kind, loving man he usually is. Its hard for me to look into his eyes and not see the lying and manipulation that has become so much a part of him. I have been sleeping alone for the past few nights as I cant bear the thought of sleeping beside this man who claims to love me and would never hurt me, yet got so out of control he endangered my life. Yes, he has apologized profusely and states he is so ashamed of himself....but we have all heard those empty apologies and lived with the broken promises. When do we learn to begin to trust our A's and allow them back into our hearts and our beds? He tells me he is really enjoying his groups and that what happened on the 4th was a wake up call for him and that he will do what he needs to do, for him, for me, for us.....Im just so confused....... seeking peace jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
I lived with a jekyll and hyde for 7 years. He could be sweet and kind and loving on occasion and crazy road raging the next. I found it absolutely exhausting to be around.
I felt confused for 7 years in fact even during the time I was in al anon I would routinely be confused, angry, raging and grief stricken. I could not fathom how he could be so self destructive.
I had to really work to turn the focus on me, getting my needs met, seeing I had support. Eventually over time all the trust I had in him went awol. I started to work on what I needed to do and took a lot of focus off the relationship.
I set lots of boundaries with the A, some of them he adhered to. Others he never did. He knew I was devastated by his road rage, none of that ever changed. I wept regularly in front of him, that didn't change his behavior one iota. I pleaded, begged, screamed, cajoled. You name it I did it.
You are not alone in being devastated. I did not sleep in the same room as the A for a long long time. He could not own that this had anything to do with him. He felt punished, not supported, uncared for and more. He still feels like that as far as I know.
Denial can be like a concrete barrier for some people. I understand it more now but living with it can be very very stressful.
I hope you will begin to focus on you and what you can do without regard to what your husband does. I know exactly how hard that is. I also know being distracted and busy with my stuff kept me off obsessing and being absolutely devastated by my ex's behavior.
There are wonderful, warm loving people here you can come here anytime and express yourself. You can also if you look in the archives learn other people's stories.
Knowing others have been where I am is very reassuring to me. I do not feel alone, I do not feel lost and I feel included. I felt excluded the entire time I was with the A. Maresie.
Trust takes time -with understanding of this progressive disease we begin to heal - if your not attending Al-Anon meetings now I hope u consider them in the near future , sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems , in your program u take the focus off him and get your life back on track , boundaries for me are an action thing the time to act is when someone is stepping all over them , to walk away from an abusive conversation takes courage , it will come in time . our actions in these stressful times speak louder than a list of things we will not tolerate. Unforunatley I showed my husb that it was ok to treat me in a disrespectful manner by saying nothing and letting it all happen - and said enough!luckily things started to change. Intamacey once lost takes awhile to return in a relationship , as we learn to trust our own judgement again I have learned that if i look after my own needs that I know regardless of what he does I will be okay.
If you don't trust, then you fear. Fear is a great topic for face to face meetings. Fear destroys all relationships and takes no prisoners. I know most people like to say trust is earned... from my perspective, trust is something that is given. It is MY responsibility to give or not give my trust to someone else. Being that I'm responsible for giving it, I am choosing to surround myself with other people who live a healthy mental program, focusing on themselves and EMOTIONALLY available to me. (turns out, most of them are also in program)
So... should you feel bad for not wanting to be intimate with him? well, can you accept that your feelings are that you don't want to be intimate with him? cuz that is what they are... or did you want to overrule how you feel, and become angry, irritable, resentful, etc etc?
No need to beat yourself up with the answers... when we have icky sicky feelings about people and how we've been treated, WE need to listen up to ourselves. We feel that way for a reason... time to stop obsessing about why and grab a pocket full of acceptance.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Proud of you, it sounds like you stood your ground in a compassionate way.
I've often heard "don't listen to the words, watch their feet." In other words, talk is cheap, actions are not. Often six months is suggested as a guideline/timeline for when you can begin the process of trusting again.
In the meantime, keep working on you, after all that's all you can control.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
"....often times we are more affected than the alcoholic because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we become worse." Or something close to that from the definition of alcoholism that we use to read before our meetings when I first got to the doors of Al-Anon. It helped me understand why she didn't know and/or didn't feel that what I was going thru was real. When she was drunk and doing what she was doing she didn't know what was going on anywhere especially within her husband. When she didn't drink and had short periods of sobriety she was confused that life wasn't going on like she thought it should.
I learned a qualified trust in this program. "If they haven't got it...don't expect them to give it.' "Are we dead" could get a response of "No but we are coming in from a near death experience." Starting over is what it is. All new with hind- sight and experience.
