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Thanks to all your support. I have realized that I have reached my bottom. My AH is due home from a trip in 3 hours. I have prepared a heartfelt letter. I have left the choice up to him. If he chooses to join me along my journey it must be with acceptance, love, a recovery plan and ongoing sobriety. If he chooses to be angry, not stick to a plan and continue to binge every 4-5 weeks, then he is not choosing my path and we will have to separate. I say what I mean and I mean what I say....I'm ready. I already know that he will think I am giving him an ultimatum and really as I write this and read it, it does sound like one. But really, I am at my wits end and to me it is my last and final boundary. If he chooses to leave then I am ready, if he chooses to stay I am going to every support outlet I can find....we all know that if he chooses to stay and doesn't change, then I will have to enforce my boundary and either leave myself or ask him to leave. That will be the hard part. I hope and pray for the best and prepare for the worse.
Good for you for your resolve. Certainly a boundary could end up as an ultimatum. We very often do create change with our boundaries, as is necessary.
I just wanted to say good luck & offer you support in your decision, it can be such a comvbined mix of emotions, enforcing the consequences we set in boundaries... either way I hope you are confident, calm & strong.
Prayers have already been sent.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Do you have a plan be in hand if he says no. I gave the A who I was with plenty of ultimatums. I didn't have a plan b so I would hold to them for a while and eventually give into his manipulations. When I made a plan be I knew i had an out then I could set limits differently.
Setting boundaries is pretty hard stuff. I tend to start with the small ones and then build up.
I admire your resolve and your sense that you are hitting bottom. Lots of us have been there. Confrontation doesn't always work with an alcoholic. They tend to live eat sleep denial. Be ready to come back here and report how it all goes. We can help you with this issue.
It sounds like self-care to me. Good for you. It appears as though you've thought it all out and your motives are pure in that it's about what you can or cannot handle.
Wishing you well, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Yes these boundaries are tough stuff. It's funny how in the beginning it seemed so easy. As my AH disease progesses, the boundaries change. To me we have reached a point where he is like a cat in the corner and all his escape routes are closing in on him. He should be here in half an hour or so. I'll give him a hug if he'll let me....he's really mad at me right now because I didn't go away with him and because my son (9) does not want to stick around him without someone else present. My son and I have had many talks about the sickness. He tells me he just doesn't feel safe, that dad might sneak drinks. That was a real eye opener for me. If I deny my childs feelings I feel I would be failing as a parent by not providing one of the basic needs....security.
A boundry is for me. I make a boundry to keep myself sane and safe. An ultimatium is a tool for furthering my illusion of control. An ultimatium never works and is made from a place of selfishness. A boundry is made from a place of self care. He has no obligation to follow your path. It is his life to use as he sees fit. Even if he chooses a path of recovery it may not coinside with yours.
I think it is a great thing that you have thought this thru and are ready to accept the outcome. It sounds like you have thought thru his side of the conversation also. I would caution you to have no expectations. Just stick to you. What you want. That's it and that's all. Don't even waste your time trying to guess what he will or won't do. Just stay focused on what you want and what you are going to do to accomplish that.
Well AH just got home from his trip. He read the letter I wrote him as soon as he walked through the door. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He accepted the boundaries and shared with me his path to sobriety. 90 meetings in 90 days. He attended one before he left for his trip. He told me that he can't treat this lightly any more and that he does need help to overcome and cope with this disease. so here I am... I made it very clear that this plan must be put into action and that ongoing sobriety has to be the ultimate goal. If old patterns and bad behaviour enter back into our lives that a separation is in order. I will pray everyday that he achieves this goal. Now I do have one question? We have to say what we mean and mean what we say...So let's just say he stays sober for a year and relapses. It certainly would be better than bingeing every 4-5 weeks, it would be an improvement and the boundary that was established for continuous relapses wouldn't seem appropriate for someone who is certainly trying (we aren't there yet but I am hoping). At what point to we sit down with the A and re-establish new boundaries based on effort and acceptance???
Ultimatum or boundary ,, hmmmmmmmm sounds like both to me stop drinking or you are leaving , make sure u are strong enough to carry the ultimaum to it's end or don't make it . If you look at your motives u will know if u are doing the right thing, if u hope the letter will force him into sobriety u may be dissapointed but if u truly have had enough and can follow thru with the ultimatum it wil work out okay . louise
Bugs as a response to your question I don't know of any really good fortune tellers in program since we take it one day at a time and live in the moment. Stay in gratitude for now. Read Claudia's post up top.
I use to "what if" often and my sponsor in response told me that if I wanted to be fair to myself whenever I "what iffed" I was also to "what if not". That worked and turned my whole focus back on my program and what I was supposed to be doing in my recovery. Needless to say...I don't what if any more.
Work your program while he is working his and miracles can happen that you have never dreamed of.
Imagine "what if" he got and stayed sober and out grew you? Or imagine "what if not".
Have you set boundaries for yourself yet? Will you get a sponsor to work that out with you? .....All those you questions. Focus, focus, focus and practice, practice, practice.
In response to your last question about a year later and relapse. If he stays sober for a year (fingers crossed he does), things will have changed. You will have changed and so will he. The marriage will change. You can't be the same person who was active and then sober and not change. The same thing happens to you. The other thing to remember is that the dynamics of a sober vs. active relationship are very different.
I wish we could see what the future brings (or do I?). We can't. Like Jerry has reminded us, stay in the present. Be greatful for his sobriety. Enjoy it. Take it one day at a time. The best thing you can do for him and more importantly yourself is to keep working your program. Love and blessings to you both.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have some occasionally controversial thoughts about boundaries and ultimatums. Especially control boundaries. I do think your expectation and expressed desires are fair and reasonable. He now has a choice and it is his to make. I guess one thing that got me thinking is " If he chooses to join me along my journey it must be with acceptance, love, a recovery plan " Is it your individual journey, or a journey you are taking together? Not to play devil's advocate, but are you asking him to join you and offering to join him in your journeys and create a journey together, with the understanding that your recovery and his recovery are individual? In my opinion telling someone thier choices can be a failure in the making whereas asking him to join you and offering to join him and journey as partners is acceptance and love. I have learned in these rooms that sometimes it is in how we say things, not what we are saying that gets the best response. Just my thoughts given with unconditional love - please take or leave.
Well AH just got home from his trip. He read the letter I wrote him as soon as he walked through the door. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He accepted the boundaries and shared with me his path to sobriety. 90 meetings in 90 days. He attended one before he left for his trip. He told me that he can't treat this lightly any more and that he does need help to overcome and cope with this disease. so here I am... I made it very clear that this plan must be put into action and that ongoing sobriety has to be the ultimate goal. If old patterns and bad behaviour enter back into our lives that a separation is in order. I will pray everyday that he achieves this goal. Now I do have one question? We have to say what we mean and mean what we say...So let's just say he stays sober for a year and relapses. It certainly would be better than bingeing every 4-5 weeks, it would be an improvement and the boundary that was established for continuous relapses wouldn't seem appropriate for someone who is certainly trying (we aren't there yet but I am hoping). At what point to we sit down with the A and re-establish new boundaries based on effort and acceptance???