The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I am isolated, financialy poor, emotionally poor, living in a tiny tiny space, surrounded by dysfunctional people, living pretty marginally.
In the past I've always looked for rescue. These days I am trying to really listen when I meet people to see if they can meet my needs.
That means for quite a while I go without companionship, social activities and more while I try to work out who and what and how I can meet my needs.
I'm realising after weeks of doing this that this alone is one reason I got stuck with the A. I literally handed over all the power over my life, happiness, activities, finances to him. I abdicated and then blamed him when of course he didn't meet them. Moreover after claiming he cared so much he went out of his way to make sure that only his needs were paramount.
As I didn't have a clue how to meet my own needs I was reluctant to take back the reins. I was also relucant of course to own my part in it. Blaming him was easier and I blamed him for pretty much 7 years. Now I don't blame him but I also don't allow him in my life on any level. He's burned that bridge and it is irreparable. He's not going to get one word out of me again ever.
I am really chastened by the knowledge I dont know how to take care of my needs. I know I am only beginning to become aware of what I need in a romantic relationship. I know when I meet someone I wait and wait and then I wait some more. Before I jumped in and drowned. I think drowning is the applicable term. Now I paddle, dabble, watch, wait and listen. I did not listen before, I assumed.
I very much doubt I would be able to bear this knowledge without all of you to share it with.
Dear Maresie, Just remember, even though it seems hopeless and feels overwhelming at this moment, it seems you are having some feelings... which pass. And, remember, you are never alone... your Higher Power is with you every second of the day. This might be the opportunity He/She needs for you to reach out to Him/Her (whatever your HP is to you). You also have the hope of the group where there is lots of understanding, love, and compassion. Many os us are sitting with you in the boat, trying to figure things out, learn, re-group, learn more, heal... it is a process... but, we can do it with the help of our HP's and this group. I wish you a sense of peace that passes all understanding and hope from this note and from this board. try to get with some safe people -- people from al-anon f2f mtgs and maybe a church group you trust (?)... hang in there, we love you, hugs, Lee Ann
Hey Marsie, Suzannah notices too...you are moving on. It is not a easy road, however you are not alone and instead of reaching out to people you are unsure of, reach out to your HP and you know, you will not be disappointed.
I agree with Lee Ann...and am praying that you will find a peace that passes all understanding for I do see so much hope and renewal in your postings.
Keep on keeping on, you are walking that road to recovery. You did not get here overnight and you will not change overnight completely, you are taking it inch by inch.
I have a little saying: inch by inch, it's a sinch; yard by yard its far too hard.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Claudia has noticed too!! You are growing stronger each day.
I'll join with Suzannah and LeeAnn in praying that you will find the peace which passes all understanding which can only come from trusting in your HP.
With Love,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Mariesie, I used to just dive in, too- with gusto- and I do not anymore. In fact, I find it hard to take any potential sweetheart seriously in any way shape or form. I just want to have some fun and pass some time. I am not looking for Mr Wonderful, the Next Hubby or even a Boyfriend!
I am finding the only one who is going to meet my needs is ME and no one else. I am the one who will rescue me. And I do and I am beginning to- it a real revelation, believe me. I refuse to even imagine any one else meeting my needs. Its my job to keep the focus on me right now. I won't even go there.
I realize that I may be like this for the rest of my life and you know what? Its totally OK. I can have my own home, maybe a cat or two or a dog, a life, friends and that is plenty for me. I have no desire to sleep with anyone, move in with anyone, share a home with anyone, share anything at all with anyone. Hugs, J.
