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Hello everyone, this is my first post here and well I just came across this websight and thought i would give it a try. Hmm where to start, where to start... First off I have been married for 5 years to an alcoholic and well went into the marriage knowing he drank alot, not that he had a problem. See my husband is a binge drinker and well in the beginning of our marriage he was physically abusive and beat the crap out of me, and destroyed alot of my propety, but he hasnt done that in 4 years. Now when he does drink he is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. I think this is worse. I cannot trust him anymore, I dont even think i love him anymore. I stay with him due to financially reasons. I am not working and well have no money. I know its not an excuse, just what is happening now.. I have gone done the road of " I am not going to drink anymore" with him to many times now .. He ALWAYS goes back to it.. I dont think he will ever change. This last year has been so bad. He finally 2 months ago came to me after a drinking binge and said he knows he has a problem, he is a binge drinker and that he wants to stop. I told him that words dont mean anything to me, and that actions need to be shown here now.. I asked him to go to AA and into therapy, he wont do either, he said if he feels he is going to go back to drinking that he will go into recovery. ( to me that just shows he is not serious and doesnt beleive he has a problem.) so two months went by and well they were great, then it happened. He got invited to his familys house ( oh ya a little history, they are MAJOR MAJOR alcoholics) for his brothers birthday, my guard went up insantly, and i knew what was going to happen. He said he would go after work and stay a few hours and come home. So i wasnt going with him, thank god. I asked him if he felt he was strong enough to go with all the drinking, he said he is not going to drink, first off becuasehe will be to tired to drive home then, ( hmm not cuz I am an addict, or cuz i know i shouldnt be drinkint.. hmm) so anyways he goes to his familys house and i call his cell a few times and he doesnt answer then he turns it off. and well needless to say i didnt get a phone call all night from him or his family. i was so worried and well didnt sleep. i called over there at 7 am and his sister said oh he had to much to drink so he stayed here. i couldnt believe it, well i could but i was SOOO hurt.. he got on the phone and tried to lie about drinking till i told him his sister told me, he really didnt seem to care and said it was 2 beers. i said i dont care if you had a taste of one, your an addict your not supposed to be doing it.. i told him i thought it was time for him to go into recovery, he still wont.. i told him i was so hurt and disapointed and now my guard is gonna be up with hiim all over again. he came home and WOW did he have a hang over. hmmm two beers, ya right.. well i havent since then even said one word bout it. i wont even talk to him about that day at his familys house, i cut him off when he goes to talk to me bout it.. i am so hurt, and well dont know what to do. he hasnt drank since then and well i really dont know what is going to happen. now i am going to be so afraid when he goes to his famiilys house. I have been thinking of going to an alanon meeting but well kind of afraid myself.. i dont know why. i am at my wits end here and well it is eating me up alive what happendd. he just doesnt seem to care at this point about our relationship... well thanks for letting me get this off my chest... hugs to all.
I hope you have been reading all the posts here, your not alone and your story is not unique. I know that doesnt dimish the frustration, pain and humiliation you must be suffering. It is not your job to get your husband sober!!!! It is imparative that you get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting, its not scary at all, you don't even have to talk, just listen and read the material and in time you will want to share. This program is for you, so you can make the decisions need for your life. Whether you stay or go from the alcoholic is up to you. You need to develop the strength to make a plan for yourself, we must not become dependent on the Alcoholic and their whims. Keep coming back and share like you did today, listen a little and It will help you immensely, Luv, Bettina
Wow, my story is like yours... I have a husband who has been drinking and using cocaine for the last 10 years... and he has a family full of alcoholics... he has aunts and cousins who have died of AIDS from sharing needles... his mother is a chronic alcoholic with bipolar...
His father passed away 6 years ago, and his mother's drinking has gotten worse. She allows my husband to do cocaine in her house because she doesn't want him in the streets, so I guess it makes it right? Then when she is sober, she complains that she wants her son off of the drugs, yet she is the one enabling him... She is the most manipulative scheming person, and alot of his bad habits come from her...she has taught him that he doesn't have to respect women in general because he doesn't respect her, and she has spoiled him rotten to the point where he feels he doesn't have to work hard for anything.
Well all that changed when he met me. I am a fighter. I have held down the same government job for 10 years, raised my daughter on my own before I met him, and I also have my own company. How can I sit around with a man that has no goals, no sense of direction, no love or respect for his own body... I decided I needed a man who is either at my level or higher... Yeah, there's LOVE... people have distorted definitions of love.
For me, love doesn't hurt or make you cry... Real love is beautiful. an addict is incapable of love because he/she doesn't love themselves... So I have to force myself to detach from things that don't love me or my daughter... When he is sober, he worships the ground I walk on...that's not enough. I deserve a man who loves me through and through, and so do you.
Get to a meeting. I went to my first one over the weekend and it literally changed my life... I am going to continue to go because it makes me stronger... also, if I were you, I would detach and cut off his entire family as I have done with mine... Shut them all off. Let them deal with your husband, since they are a huge part of the problem... Cut everyone off for your own sanity and for your child's....
I have made up my mind that I am not having anything to do with his family, it is a bad situation over there and well they know how he is.. They had to come over my house one time when he was abusive and get him out of there. So they know and to give him drinks is not helping out at all. I am glad you went to a meeting and well i am actually looking forward to going to one now.. I have come to the decision that i cannot change him, just myself and how i handle the situation. It is his problem not mine, and well needless to say i dont have to put up with it..
oh ya i forgot, my husband is also like yours, he has no respect for women at all. It comes from his father and well even when he is sober he is mean and disrespectful.
yes... my husband broke my eye socket 2 years ago, because he was drunk off vodka and cocaine...he didn't even run from the police when they arrested him...
let him go for now... go to a few meetings and see how you feel afterwards... time to focus on yourself... you can't control him, but you can control yourself and what you teach your children...
i don't want my daughter to accept abuse when she is older from no man, so i have to teach her the right way, that i won't accept it either...
(((HUGS-Loretta))) Glad you are here and you came to the right place. Everyone here either has gone through or is going through the things you are experiencing. There will be several responses to your post, and no one will tell you what you need to do to change your Alcoholic, no one will give you a magic way to get your A to start attending A.A. meetings. Why not you might ask? Because only your A can make those decisions for himself and in his own time. Nothing you do or say, no amount of begging, pleading, crying or threating will change him. Alcoholism is a disease, a progressive disease that will continue to take a toll on your AH. But, there is something you can do, you can start taking care of yourself. You took the first step in your recovery when you posted on MIP. I asked myself 2 years ago when I went to my First Al-Anon meeting, why do I need al-Anon?, why do I need to go to meetings?, I'm not the problem, my A has the problem. I just needed a way to "fix" her problem, make her stop drinking, make her get help. I soon found out I only needed to "fix" me, and that I had absolutely no control over her disease. My AW's disease had made me just as sick and crazy as she was, I just did not realize it, I needed help and I found it in Al-Anon. That was a wonderful day in my life. You need to get to a f2f meeting as soon as you can, and keep going back. There will be members there, just as you will find members here at MIP who have the experience and knowledge to help improve your life, and bring you serinity. To let you know how important f2f meeting can be for you, you only need to read the post prior to yours posted by (((jaysbaby))). That post and her prior post are a testament to what the Al-Anon Program really is and how it can work for anyone and everyone who is will give it a try. Keep coming back, read prior post, and get to lot of f2f meetings. (((HUGS)) RLC P.S. You might find out like a lot of us, that you do love the person, but hate the disease of Alcoholism, or maybe not ,only you can decide.
Welcome to MIP. We are a family here. We have all gone through, or are going through similar experiences to those you have described here.
For myself, the beginning of my recovery came when I realized that I could do nothing to change the fact that my retired AH was drinking. I could only change things about myself, and how I chose to handle the situation. When I came to this realization, I began to feel some inner peace.
F2f meetings have become my lifeline. I no longer stress when he is drinking. Today is our 35th anniversary. He arose at 6:00am gave me a kiss , told me "Happy Anniversary" and said,"Don't get up, I'll feed the dogs and let them out. Just rest, today is your day off."
Sounds wonderful doesn't it. I wish the story had ended there, but by the time I got up at 10:00am he was already passed out on the couch from drinking. A year ago, I would have been ranting and raving that I couldn't believe he would do this on our anniversary. Blah, Blah, Blah. It would have ruined my whole day. Instead, I am enjoying my cup of coffee, and watching "Jeopardy".
He will probably wake up later today, and we will enjoy a nice dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend. So instead of ruining our anniversary, which A's love to do, I have turned it around by my own decision to just NOT REACT. So you see, the only one he is hurting by his drinking is HIMSELF, and not me.
My AH can be verbally abusive as well, but I have found that this usually occurs when I push the envelope by putting in my two cents.
Keep coming back, and get yourself to a meeting. Once again welcome to our family.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
YIKES! Now that Ive said that, I will explain why. Today I put up my first post too. It was so similar to yours, it was scary to read, but it helped me to know I am definitly not alone...and neither are you! Today I took the second step in beginning my healing process, and so did you. My A's family is very dysfunctional, as I guess all of ours are, but there is alcohol and drug dependance spread through his and they all just bury their heads to what is going on. I, too, have stopped going to family gatherings there because I feel I have no control and I will admit, I am ashamed that they know I live with this behavior every day. My A has not been sober for more than 3 weeks at a time and believes he does not need an inpatient program, so he is doing outpatient 3x a week. He has only been to 2 so far, but its 2 more than he has been to before. This disease makes us addicts as well. We become addicted to their disease to the point where it consumes us, if we let it. I used to let it consume me, but thankfully, here, with this new support, I will no longer allow myself to be addicted to his addiction and am taking the steps to insure that it doesnt consume me. Your husband is going to do whatever it is he does no matter what YOU do, so, though I am just starting down this journey myself, my advice to you is to give him his problem and take care of YOU! jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
I think abuse is cumulative rather than comparable. I also lived with someone who tore up everything, was intimidating and more. He drank and used too.
When I came here a few years ago I was severely depressed, not working, totally dependent on the A, at the end of my rope and more.
Lots of things changed for me in working this program, probably the most significant is that I really embraced the program and started talking. I talked about it all, the abuse, the negelect, the frustration, the pain, the double binds, the stuff he destroyed, (he was a road rager).
I put it all out there and began to listen to others.There are lots of tools you can use in al anon, detachment, getting busy, stopping arguing and remonstrating, making a plan be (among others). They all help.
My situation is changed now. I did not walk off into the sunset into a lovely new life. I have a hard hard time dealing with my codependency but I'm committed to it. I don't have everything hunky dory by any means but I am in charge these days and that makes a huge difference.
abuse is abuse in any form. nobody deserves to have fear in their home. nobody. let me give you a 2 pieces of advice.. if you ever are threatened or physically harmed, get out. go to a women's shelter (which does stand up in court), or a friends or a trusted family members. the first part of abuse is keeping it to yourself. isolation. next, you say your decision to stay is financial (fear); how much is your safety and happiness worth?... and i ask this because i already know that alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease... it WILL get worse... and so many (99.9%) of the stories and experiences i've been witness to have all stated "jeez, i wish i got out then". alas, you do have to be responsible for your decisions. that means, if you decide to stay because you are scared, then you also get to have all the other bad things coming your way. it won't be fair, it won't be just, it will just be. choices... that is one of the new Al-Anon books... i recommend you read as many as you can get your hands on.
and keep coming back here and going to face to face al-anon meetings... you will find that most of us have been there and done that, and have the scars to prove it... but we also have a lot of healing, and experience, strength and hope (ESH) to share with you.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thanks so much to everyone for all the kind kind words. I have been seriously thinking last night and well realize it is time for me and I cannot worry about my husband and his drinking. I am going to my first meeting this Thursday and well actually looking forward to it. I am so glad I found a place to come and express some thoughts and to see others going through the same things. Thanks so much for welcoming me and hugs to all..
