I am ACoA so I was born into & raised with this disease.  I think AcoA's have more trouble detaching, not projecting & learning to focus on self b/c from day one of life, we are asked subconsciously & subliminally by our family of origin to be  a part of the emotional & dysfunctional soup.  No one has any decent boundaries & this is what we learn, that everyone's feeling affect everyone else. 

I used to think of myself as a buffer or neutralizer b/c I had to help take the pain of other's emotional pain.  Plus I am naturally empathetic & compassionate so I tend to be like a sponge emotionally for other ppl.  I used to get so tired & run down & never know why I was in a bad mood all the time.

As a teeneager & young adult, I spent my life in a state of anxiety, fear, projecting, hopelessness.  A martyr for others.  I simply was loving others to death b/c I had no love for me, I gave every bit of myself away, energetically.

If I don't write things down & make lists, I don't get things done.  Sure I get up & brush my teeth but other than that I can't do anything without a list.

For this reason, the last 3 years, I have had Slogans & acronyms, expressions that I have heard here typed up, printed out & on my walls.  In fact I have it posted in my condo in about 6  different places. So if I am ever feeling low, lost or unsure, I can look at a wall and get some positive reinforcement, encouragement. 

i realized I wasn't getting encouraged, validated & chose to began to acknowledge myself.  I can love & approve of myself, I don't have to get that from other ppl.  Besides what if they are judgemental & wish to hurt me or tease me in this way?  It is crippling.  I was like that w/ my exAH & I always would seek his love/approval in this way & he usually just tore me down.

I do believe we are extremely loving, giving & all around generous people. We have to be to tolerate what we do.  Because we do go through so much, we are capable of so very much.

Very often I like to skim the Board or go into chat as a way of keeping myself grounded in the Program. I am presently not going to F2F mtgs, only going to them on-line sometimes.  I first came thru the al-anon doors 23 years ago. I was deep in Program for a few short years but it slipped away.  Even though I had learned much to apply to life, learning to accept things as they occur and to forgive & catch my own negative behaviors/character defects... (to release them) those are things I have always applied.
   But I did end up marrying an addict & I knew all this stuff!  It is amazing how deep my issues were & how I was able to overlook certain things in my exAH to compromise myself.  Well, slowly but surely more & more of ME was compromised & in the end I spent the last 2 yrs of my marriage, suicidal, walking on egg shells & with near constant migraines.  Needless to say, I began taking pills & self-medicating while I was married too. 

I am not an addict, I don't have an addictive personality but it took a very long time for me to get off of all the prescriptions I had grown accustomed to taking whenever I felt like it.  Taking pain pills when I had real pain, taking some valium when I was emotionally overwrought.  Sure, 2.5 mg/day is better than 20mg-60mgs... like I took while married & working 50 hours a week but for the last 3 months I have been out of any & all Rx's.

I ache more but I'm also working out & feeling better about myself & working through the physical pain naturally. I guess I feel good about it, I feel very clear & I feel more confident.

I also can't get to sleep as easily as I used to, maybe it has a lil to do w/ aging too. 

There are lots of new ppl here & I just want to say you are not a victim.  you can change your life & make it what you want. you are not at the mercy of someone else's bad mood & non of us have to be abused.  No one deserves it and I don't believe god intends for us to continue to destroy each other or ourselves.

I haven't had a suicidal ideations in two months, so I'll take that. Sure there maybe has been a flash of a thought but no thinking about it. I'll take it! That is great progress & offers me a lot of hope right now.

The moment I project about the future, i can get overwhelmed & feel like I can't handle things & just want to hang msyelf...  so staying focused on right Now, today, managing to do this has been incredible.

I used to feel worthless & pathetic & had some very negative self-talk.  I would be a great cheer leader for others but am quick to point out my own faults & negative traits, so u don't have to.
   I think in reality, most ppl aren't that ready to bully us or tear us down, we at least half perpetuate it.

Watching the dog whisperer, cesar milan has helped me to think about myself in this disease. he says stuff like, 'dogs are living in the moment. If you keep imaging the old abuse the dog suffered, dog can't tell time, they pick up on our thoughts.  If we are thinking about abuse, dogs will pick up on it. They won't be happy & serene.'  it's like that self-fulfilling prophecy thing... and the law of cause & effect.  If I keep putting out these wounded, painful signals to the universe, i'll just keep getting pain back.
   I realize that therapy is about going back to points of pain/trauma, raising them to the surface & being able to forgive them & let them go, so we aren't focusing on them. 
   Whatever we focus on, is what we bring to us.  I want to fpcus on peace, enthusiasm, healing & love b/c those are the things that I want.  I deserve my own good love too, so I have been working on making that bigger in me.  At first I had such a tiny amount of love for myself, it felt like a fraction of 1%.  I have come a long way, when I use the Program & work on myself diligently.  When I don't, the negativity comes back in, so easily!

I think often that if anyone deserves my love, it is me, I am worth it.  The more I cultivate this, the more I experience respect, love & feel deserving of the good things in life. This is something all humans are entitled to, not just certain people.

Just like anything else, I have discovered some people don't deserve the truth. It is difficult to always be the honest person.  People ask but hate hearing the truth & kill the messenger. I am learning to ascertain when someone is worthy of the truth & if they are accountable enough to handle it.

I don't have to be right but I enjoy it. I don't think I'm the most intelligent person either but I do have a lot of experience & wisdom. I am learning to keep quiet too, sometimes.

idk, I prob do talk too much sometimes, sure I get excited, like we all do. Well, I wanted to write something positive & express a little window into how I've changed over the recent few months. 

Also, once you work the steps through completely, you sort of naturally keep working at them, some days you go thru them all!  I have done a big 4th step many times.  It never goes away, all of the tools are here whenever you want them.

It is progressive for us too, if we don't work it, we slip but all of that information is there, the Program & fellowship is here, any time u want to reach out & grab it, it is there.  Just like god never goes away...  when we pray we get an answer, so be careful what you pray for.

HP, give hope & comfort to all of those that ask you for it, help us all who are suffering & save your planet!  May the Divine Healer of our souls aid us, protect us & heal us!

-- Edited by kitty at 23:52, 2008-07-12