The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't even know where to start, but I do know that I need to be able to finally tell someone what is going on. I feel like I am living in a secret war sometimes, but maybe that is being overly dramatic. In any case, part of my protecting my AH is keeping his secret. He is a doctor (as am I) and I don't want him to get in trouble, nor do I want the shame of admitting to the world that I am married to an alcoholic.
Why is that my shame? Good question. I know intellectually it is not. I didn't make him that way, in fact, on some level, I knew he was an alcoholic from the first month we were first friends, long before we ever even dated. But I didn't want it to be true. I still don't. I want to wake up and have this not be true. I love and value so many things about him. I wanted him. I never wanted to marry an alcoholic. So therefore he could not be an alcoholic. Simple.
It has helped that he has never been drunk or drinking when he is on duty. I almost said he has never let it affect his work, but that is a lie. I know he has been hung over or desperate to be off duty so he can have a drink. That has to matter, regardless of how smart or good he is at his job. If he can control that much, though, it was so easy to believe that really it was still not completely out of control. As if these thin slices of difference really matter.
I am finally looking for this help, because I am finally feeling that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to "fix" him or force him to be "better". He believes me that I have had it. He fears I will leave. He is not sure, but he fears I will ultimately do it. I don't believe him that his efforts to cut down will do a damn thing. His little lies have become bigger lies. I now feel like I have to go back and review everything I once believed. I have been thinking of divorcing him. This is a worst-case scenario in my heart. I am not sure what criteria I should use to make that decision. I do know this is not good for the children. On the other hand, they are resilient, and the damage to them has been subtle - the unpredictable daddy with the occasional overly-harsh reaction. The occasional fight that bubbles to the surface while they are still awake. The tension they are too smart not to notice. Who knows what effect that will have?
On some level I have grown to truly hate him. Even while I love him I hate him whenever I picture him the night he passed out drunk on the floor while I was busy getting everyone packed for our family vacation. The times he has been insulting or insensitive at a family function. All the Christmases I have felt the need to ask him to "be good. please." I am so angry at him that I sometimes fantasize about physically hurting him. Not that I really would. But I am that angry.
How could he do this to ME? How could I have done this to MYSELF? How could I have been so stupid, so willfully blind?
Lately, I have been feeling very detached most of the time. Like there is nothing I could do, so why spin my wheels in this neverending quest to fix the world and my AH? I have started therapy for myself. If only to give myself a safe space to grieve giving up hope. Not that I have completely. But mostly. Most of the time. When I am not wishing I could just wake up and have this not be true.
HUGS! HUGS! HUGS!!!! Hi, I am Sincerely! And I want to say welcome! First of all, let me begin by saying that I am very new here (less than 2 weeks) and I am SoOoOo glad that I found this place.
Your story sounds so familure to me. I too knew my husband was an alcholic before I married him. I too just wanted to it to not be true. ( i believed it wasn't true especially since he was sober for 1 year before I married him and 2 1/2 years after. I too felt shamed for marrying such a person. I did want to leave and have left many times and even filed for divorce once. BUT, I am still here.
The haterid filled my heart and my mind. Those feelings were just getting worse and I was detaching myself further and further from "reality". His drinking was out of control. I was going to leave again. That was last week. BUT, I found this place and I have realized that I am broken too! I am broken from the affect of his substance abuse. Even if I leave now, I will still have to fix myself. I realized that my leaving and moving out and filing for divorce was lead by FEAR...false evidence appearing real. And that false evidence was that i was not broken, he was the broken one. BUT, truth is, I am broken too.
You are not alone. Many of us have the same stories and feelings to share. You will be okay. What I have learned most in these going on two weeks, is that I have to take care of myself. REALLY take care of myself. Pull myself out of this slump of letting EVERYTHING revolve around my husband. I am taking it one day at a time and even one minute at a time if need be. I have decided I can't leave unless I am fixed or otherwise I am just running again.
I am interested to hear how you and others are dealing with the effects of alcohol on the marriage. I think you make a great point about taking care of yourself. I think that has always been hard for me. I chose AH b/c he needed a lot of taking care of and I needed to feel needed. But that dynamic has to change.
HUM, I was that angry once, too- fantasizing of hurting him. It was my big wake up call. I had become a kind of monster because of the resentment and anger. I got out and now am getting divorced, this is my choice and my path, but I just wanted to let you know that this fantasy is incredibly common. I felt so guilty feeling like I wanted my husband dead. I felt like I was becoming murderous having these thoughts.
One of the first times I shared these thoughts in an al-anon meeting (after attending them for 6 months in total silence), one woman chuckled and said: "yeah, sometimes we should share with each other about the weapons of choice..." and I was so stunned!! I was shocked to find out how common this thought is- and that its a natural result of the incredible amount of toxic resentment we allow to build inside of us.
Welcome here, you will be respected regardless of your thoughts, you will be unconditionally loved here no matter who you are or are not- here we are all OK, no one is not OK. I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in this, LOTS of us think about the death and demise of our A's... hugs, J.
Good Morning, Welcome to Al-anon. The affects of alcohol on the wife and family can be devastating. In Al-anon, we learn to hate the disease not the person and it is a disease. Your husband is not doing this to you on purpose. He is a sick man. Of course you have the choice to divorce, that is your decision alone to make, but before you do know the facts of alcoholism and the tools of this program. You do have children together and you will still have to develop a program to be able to handle the alcoholic. Everybody here has been thru it with an alcoholic in their life. Don't give up, there is hope, learning to detach from the emotional ups and downs of living with an A, is extremely helpful. This program is for you because sometimes we get sicker than the alcoholic. Keep coming back, read the material, the first step we learn is that we are powerless over the drinking. We can't help them, but we can help ourselves and keep our lives sane. Best to you, Luv, Bettina
(((Hugs-humeyayu))) It sounds like you are at the point of acceptance, realizing you can not fix his problem (disease). That is good because you are 100% correct. Everyone on this board at MIP, and in Al-Anon world wide have tried every possible thing known to mankind to stop our A's from drinking. You telling him you will leave him, will not make him stop drinking. Nothing, I repeat nothing, can make him stop. If your AH had cancer and you left him, he would still have cancer. Alcoholism is a disease, a progressive disease that will continue to only get worst. He will have to find his bottom before hopefully he will get the help he needs (his decision). That bottom could be you and your children leaving, or losing his practice, or having a wreck and getting a DUI, or none of the above he could die if left unchecked. Alcoholism does not care if you are a Doctor, lawyer, homeless person, teacher, garbage man, Priest, Senator, or carpenter, it is a disease that always treats everyone equal. The disease wins every time. It grips and destroys the best and strongest of men and women. So acceptance ( realizing that you are powerless over alcohol and you life has become unmanageable) is the place we all have to, or had to start. There is not a better place to be than here at MIP, and in Al-Anon meetings. You can and will get the help you need, keep coming back here, go to f2f meetings, read prior post from this site, and start taking care of yourself first. Do that for yourself and your children, it will make a tremendous difference in you life. (((HUGS))) RLC
Welcome to this place.Sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching. I don't think any of us come here because we want to. I came here more than 4 years ago and now am a resident fixture. You will find a lot of help, understanding, love here.
There are many many tools that can help with your situation. One is to detach not just from the A but from your feelings about him. You can detach and focus on taking care of you.
I have these past few months been working for an alcoholic. She was demanding, hateful, uncooperative and all those things. As I am in the program I could detach from that. I kept my side of the street clean. I kept up my part. I have now found another job and don't have a shred of guilt about leaving her. Her mess is her mess I am not put on this earth to pick up after her. I am not sure if I were not in this program I would have been able to not internalize the chaos, mess and damage of working for an alcoholic. I also know if I had not lived with an alcoholic for 7 years I would be able to take the steps to take care of myself now.
Al anon can be a wonderful, really fulfiling place to learn new skills like self care, living in a dysfunctional world (what a wonderful gift to give to your children), patience (I have very little of that but I work on it), ways to deal with frustration, modeling composure (something some of us have a great deal of difficulty doing). We learn ways to forgive ourselves, be good to ourselves no matter what the A is doing. I don't doubt my old boss is blaming me for everything in the world. I covered those eventualities. I expect nothing less from her. Being able to deal with reality is such a gift for me. I have had such a hard time with reality all my life!
I am so glad to meet you and know that you are willing to be here.
