The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I have significant issues with my roommates to say the least. I really want to make them all dysfunctional and me functional. The truth is that many many times I find it super hard to be civil and not be rude or not be absolutely exasperated.
I'e been aware that my closest roomate (in proximity) has bothered me a lot. He is very depressed, unemployed, and has addictions. He's addicted to playing games on the internet among other things.
I have my own issues with addicition being a compulsive over eater myself. I am not beyond having problems by any means but my attitude is really holier than thou most of the time.
This last week he took up with his ex again and was more animated than normal. By that I mean he made it out of his room more than 3 times in one day! I say this with humor because for years when I lived with the A I was non functional and really isolated. I spent all my time online and could not interact with anyone in person. I gave up interviewing for work because it seemed like a waste of time. I had completely stopped trying. That is much where my roommate is. I don't ask him. I did at one time, offered help, he didn't want it. I didn't push it.
What has really struck me this weekend is how he comes alive when he is "doing for others" and when he can "be needed". I am really aware I have that issue. I can barely get myself together. This morning I forgot my phone again and I am looking for work (I am working and looking for work). I can barely organize myself to get out the door, feed the dogs and cat and water the garden.
Last summer when I was around the A, rescuing him, I felt needed, appreciated (well that didn't last wrong) guess what no trouble getting out of bed, no trouble working, no trouble at all.
On my own I"m at a loss of what tasks to do when. I put them off. I'm not totally catatonic but I find it very very hard to organize what should be simply. Last summer I found the A a place to live, paid for it (god knows how), fed him, organized him, looked for work for him, talked to him all day long.
I have people in my life. I have people who I work a program with. I'm grateful for that. Nevertheless there is for me a huge organizing force in taking care of and being needed by others. I am willing to look at it now I'm not doing it. I'm not willing to go and do it again, the cost is too much.
Please share if you have found ways to work with this.
Wow, maresie, that "mirroring" of watching others has affected me, too- like you said about how your nearest room mate "comes alive" when a certain person is around...sounds so familiar to how I used to function- certain people "made" me "come alive"- you know the detachment site that morbirdie posted recently is so illuminating- about how we "attach", why its not healthy, what the symptoms and faulty belief systems are around it, etc. When I look at that site, I can see my complete upbringing and all the values of my alcoholic mom: its incredible.
I completely devoted 100% of myself, time and efforts to my A. I am now in a place where I have to put myself first, just like you said, its too draining and painful not to!! J.
I have found the site. You know the irony for me in dealing with codependence. I have been working on and looking at this stuff for years. I read a book about people pleasing 7 years ago and really related. I also have read and even worked through workbooks. I just was not ready to address and look at these behaviors until they nearly killed me.
I have a high tolerance for pain.
I have tremendous denial, so much for me thinking others are in denial.
I really want to hold onto this enduring fantasy that someone will rescue me and turn me into a princess! If I keep on holding on I'll be going to the grave soon a dead princess who is bankrupt in so many ways. Yet I still want to be a dead emotionally bankrupt princess! Pretty frightening huh. I do not want to be a responsible adult who takes care of herself that's for sure.
Awareness is a great start Maresie. Awareness of the caretaking, wanting to be whisked away by a prince in shining armor, we all want that. The awareness of these shortcomings is the first step in dealing with them and coming out of denial. I commend you in living in a dysfunctional environment such as you describe and staying sane, I believe alanon is responsible for that. I know for myself the more involved I stay in my program the less people like that bother me. I can't say I always work a perfect program. It's been hard for me to get to f2f meetings lately and boy can I tell the difference in my attitude, and it's not good. I need to stay involved with service work and working my program in order to maintain and attitude of gratitude. Keep up the good work, One Day at a Time.
I think some of this is shame for me. The fantasy is a block from acknowledging how wounded I am. The A's actions (and my inaction) knocked me down so far its hard to get up.
I don't really know how to so I cover it up by fantasying. I now have to do the nitty gritty work of rebuilding a self. That is slow going and won't be achieved overnight. I have a huge internal critic who thinks I "should" be able to do it in a minute. Of course I can be a "hero" for others but for myself that's a different matter. For me its a struggle to love and accept myself. I cover it well but that's the reality. Maresie
