The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
wokeup this morning with a sort of emotional hangover from the day before when i went to two meetings had conflict with my mate and generally..well..did some step work and talked to my higher power..i think i really just wore myself out yesterday
one day at a time..i know..but maybe the spirits were directing me to get as strong as possible...to get as much support as i possibly could in order to deal with the day
today i plan on hitting up an aa meeting in the afternoon and i've got a therapy session in the late afternoon
haven't heard yet from my significant other today...starting tripping on a lot of things about her last night
the trust level is pretty bleak at this point...for me...i am not certain were she was the other night and with whom and what she did
really getting sick and tired of feeling like this
i feel anxious..nervous..a bit pent up and generally angry
probably angry at myself for putting myself through this..not the recovery part..but the denial part...the fear...the uncertainty
i have begun...re begun some step work...right now..a wednesday...i just feel at a loss..maybe a great gret loss in the long run
just wanted to connect for a while..make certain that there are other people out there for me and that i am not alone
i sort of dread her call this morning..and even though i know i need not pick up the phone i probably will
i am temted to cll my ex and find out what all the drama was about..my mate seemed really nervous about my ex contacting me...like they are somehow in cahoots about something
its very very very unnerving
anyway...good day to all..peace love serenity hope and wisdom...and courage to all
You are definetely not alone in this. I relate to your feelings & have BTDT w/ mates.
I often go through being very angry, disappointed within myself for falling for what A's say or getting sucked into their traps & games.
I can choose to stay away from A's in my personal/romantic life but I grew up w/ it & have some in my family. I have to remind myself, that I'm human, give myself permission to forgive myself (again, continually) so that I can forgive others (for hurting me) - I know, it is I that opens up & allows myself to get hurt. I have to assume it is better than feeling nothing at all. I wouldn't want to be an A & be unable to experience my emotions at all.
Good for you for sharing. I try to be trusting and all that but once someone lies to me, I don't know if I ever re-set to zero with them. Trust is def earned, just like respect.
Keep sharing & hang in there, welcome to the Board love a friend in recovery, kitty of light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
again, good for you for keeping up with your feelings... writing them down is sometimes the best therapy in the world; and doing it here, allows for caring and Emotionally Available people to listen and give encouragement. so, congrats on making a good choice to find support for you.
the chaos can be inviting for those of us who have grown in it or have been subjected to it for a long time. it is almost comfortable... the status quo... the trick for me is to not be fooled -- i know there is ZERO serenity when let it into my life.
relationships... phewwww... it is my opinion that they cannot and will not survive when there is fear on either side of the ball. fear will ruin all. fear will not allow for trust or intimacy. fear is what kept my Awife in her state of denial. fear is what people, like me and my partner, go hide behind when we are not working our program. i truly believe that a person NOT willing to look/focus on him/herself is fearful of what they think they might see. i think this is the crux of why addiction relationships will never work without a codependent or another addicted partner. my theory... patented 9 Jul 2008.. ; )
anyhow, i trust in Higher Power that i will be taken care of in exactly the ways i need to walk my path. when i get lonely, now, i make sure to reach out to people who are emotionally available... which is mostly, my al-anon family...
have you heard of the H-A-L-T principle?
I know I need to reach out, get to a meeting, or focus on my needs if I am: H ungry A ngry L onely or T ired
I need to HALT and take inventory of my present state of mind/being.
anyhow, i think i am rambling gl with charles taking care of charles
sincerely, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Gosh that drama is so enticing. I know that it is absolutely addictive for me. I can get away from myself around some one else's spectacle. I have to work pretty hard not to be in the drama. I work pretty hard not to pick up. I think its almost like a drink if I don't pick it up I'm not in it but I'm waiting for the next chaos cyclone to blow through my life. No wonder I haven't achieved much!
Karilyn posted a wonderful post this morning about choices. I can choose to be over involved in other's lives or I can get super focused on my own. Until now I think I've been way way way too ready to get out into other people's lives. I don't want to be indifferent or isolated either.
My family is and always was one long burden of chaos. One crisis ended another began. I know that so well. I feel important in that. I know my place there. Out here in the world where I focus on me and life is not one interminable crisis is a foreign territory.
I know for me its also about my own narcissism. If I'm not in there over involved in other's lives they won't do as well. I left my exA more than a year ago, guess what he's still alive, I don't believe he is doing well but the world didn't melt because I left him. The same goes for my housemates. If I can't be overinvolved with them they are not going to disintegrate!
What would it be like if you didn't take the call?
What would it be like if you didn't know.
Not knowing about my ex has been absolutely the best thing I can do. Not knowing is so so crucial to my recovery. If I know one nugget of information I am off obsessing about it. So I don't know and I work at not knowing.
My family of origin lived on gossip,inuendo, crisis, never saying what they felt to each other, fear, rumor, drama, blurred boundaries, merging, taking responsibilty for each other but not themselves. That's what I know. In al anon I work on being different. Some days I have no idea how to do it but I know if I don't do it I'll end up sick as a dog so I do. Some days are better than others.
