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I have a question on interpretation of parts of the Just for Today "pledge" or however you would define it. The first paragraph talks about not concerning yourself about solving your entire life's problems, but just handling today's situation, handling something that would "appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime." A little further along in it, it talks about not showing that your feelings are hurt--they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
The rest of it, I think is really growth producing and helpful, but these two parts make me nervous. I mean, "today" can turn into ten years, one day at a time. It's one thing if you are in a prison cell in a foreign country, for example. But why would anyone gloss over and "appalling" situation that they had the power to extricate themselves from? This is exactly what I did in my first marriage. Every day I would get up and say to myself, "it's a fresh new day, and I will forgive what happened last night and get on with today and look on the bright side." This denial turned into 10 years and 3 kids and progressively got worse until I had to face what the truth was and with a broken heart, I left and got a divorce. I have forgiven my former spouse, wish him every happiness, but I do regret dragging my innocent children through all these years of horror.
The second one, I think it's good to work on being non-reactive, especially in living with an addict. But doesn't it seem a little "martyr"? Maybe you don't act on your hurt feelings, but then isn't that kind of allowing the consequences to remain hidden? Could it be that we would express our feelings in a sane and calm fashion, rather than stuff them? Clearly, the goal would be to not let a crazy (addicted) person bother us in the first place, but that's a pretty tall order and on the way to that highly enlightened state, wouldn't we want to learn to pick our battles and respect ourselves by setting some boundaries?
Good questions , When I think of Just for today , I also think of First things First . I do what I have to do , pay bills , laundry etc . and i leave the rest of the list for another day , trying to solve all my problems in one day would make me insane so I proiritize a list and work my way thru it. Not showing that I have been hurt by someone elses actions is a tough one , especially when living with a practicing alcoholic , that is why i have a sponsor I call and get rid of the anger that way- most of it was booze talk anyway and I have learned that by reacting to a statement made by a angry , drunk person is fuel to the fire and the Disease wins again ! I pick my time to tell the person how what they said hurt me , what they do with the information is up to them , I try not to have expectations that things will change because I spoke up today I know that it is only important for me to say how i feel instead of stuffing . Not reacting to the insanity is a boundary for me . walk away call a prog friend and let it go . I love Just for today I will be happy , find something that pleases only me when living with active alcoholism that is difficult but possible . I also like Just for today I will not find fault with another person , yikes but when i remember that I have a great day . My all time fav is Don"t Miss the Good days . I missed alot of them living in the past or trying to predict the future , most days I live in the NOW with my mind and my body in the same place at the same time . Louise
"Just for today", got me thru many rough days. Just for today doesnt say anything about forgiving. Its about taking responsibilitly for your own happiness and your own days, and living in the moment. after all how did we get into the situation of marrying or being with an alcoholic in the first place. Didn't we make that decision to be with them , so therefore we have our part in it. We make the decisions in our lives, nobody can hurt us unless we allow it. Sobriety is not an answer to all our problems. Us Al-Anons tend to make mountains out of molehills. Use the Al-anon program to your advantage, its all there for the taking, if you don't like something or agree with it, you know what they say, take what you like and leave the rest. Bettina
I'm glad you brought this up - I've always had a problem with the "just for today I won't show my feelings are hurt" item too - and actually I think you said it very well - it's a good idea to work on being non-reactive. This does NOT mean stuffing - it means using program tools, as others have said, to figure out how and why we are having the reactive feelings we are, and to speak our piece where we CAN be heard.
Similarly, I think the "I can do anything for one day" doesn't mean, put up with everything indefinitely, but rather invites us to examine what our choices might be, and what the right decision for us may be, rather than leaping first and looking second.
And of course my first thought, as someone has already said, was "take what you like and leave the rest". My husband has a heavy hammer that he loves to use - it feels really solid in his hand. I personally hate that particular hammer - it's too heavy, so when I try to swing it it goes every which way. That particular tool doesn't work for me - so I don't use it. And that's ok.
I think for me, it isn't something I have to pratice everyday. One day I have to remember the "I don't have to do this forever" part, the next day I have to do the "do a good deed and do not get found out part". If I start thinking about everything I have to do or "should" be doing with my life I will become overwhelmed and do nothing. I think that is a traite that many alanoners share, we can become easily overwhelmed when we start focusing on our own lives. After all, other peoples lives are so much easier to fix than our own!
My exMIL would notify the papers when she was hurt. She would cry, pout, talk to everyone about who the offender was. She would write letters to the offender and then make copies and hang them on a mirro in her diningroom so everyone who came in and out of the house could see what soandso did to her! Poor, poor exMIL!!! Aaawww doesn't everyone feel sorry for exMIL and her hurt feelings? Let's all hate soandso for being so mean to exMIL, after all, we all know her feelings are hurt. We know because she has made it a point to tell us, show us and write a report about just how hurt she is.
If she had taken this advice of the just for today, she would have been an adult, she would have had to deal with HER feelings insted of making everyone around her deal with HER feelings. She would have given up the victim/martyr role and been responsible for her own emotional maturity.
All of those suggestions on that bookmark are just take what you like and leave the rest. I use what I need to. I think they are all very useful suggestions. I argue with some suggestions myself, and when I do, I realize that I'm not there yet. When I first came into the rooms of alanon, I argued with almost everything I heard. I really didn't have much use for any of it. I had my life under conrtol. Till I hit my bottom and I came running back. Then it all made sense most of the time. A person I really admire in the program told me it is our job to question. We should never just accept. HP wants us to question it all and then believe. So, I don't feel bad about questioning and arguing, it's how I learn!
