The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
spinning my wheels again which is another revelation - I had used al anon tools to get through a stressful month of June living amongst siblings again, away from my kids and being with my mom during her death. I was unable to attend al anon meetings which was a big mistake because I can see the progress made with my family of origin, but I slipped backwards again for myself and my own family.
I have seen this crazy pattern of my old behavior but I am aware of it now so I guess that is progress of some sort. I can see how this pattern comes alive and was a standard mode of operation for me and probably handed down generation to generation.
I had no control about death of mom. I keep holding myself together in a tight controlled way. This tightness in me is eeking out in behaviours of trying to be controlling of my kids and frustrated with AH. I am not proud of my behaviour.
I feel a bit crazy and want to act saner with my communications to my kids and AH. I need to be honest somehow with my feelings rather than hold myself together but I manage depression so I don't want my grief to trigger a depression episode but I didn't know what else to do.
I went to two f2f meetings and it is right there in my face, plain as day but I couldn't figure it out alone. My life is uncontrollable and unmanagable..... so it's back to step one for this issure. Progress then humbled, now aware and eager for this all to allow me to take action. I don't know how but I do know it will work.
I am on the sharp edge of sad though and it makes me sadder to understand how this will be an ongoing rotation of the steps, never cured, always changing and working at it - somedays I don't know how to endure keeping at it.
ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
So so sorry to hear of your mom's death. My mum died 4 years ago and boy was that a toughie.
You know I understand depression and the battle with it and I do know that death entails grief and grief takes many forms and there are stages to be gone through. One get through these with time and love and support. Love of self is so necessary here, you have gone through so much and are still dealing with so much too and you are streaking away with your recovery programme.
Perhaps it is time to take a breather and be kind to you.
You are grieving right now and depression is part of that, however, you have tools and you have family and you have your programme and, feeling a bit crazy and uncontrollable and unmanageable will crop up many times during our life times...no matter what are situations are.
The delight is that you DO recognise it when it comes along nowadays because you have your programme and alanon and your f2f and US.
Not surprised you are "on the sharp edge of sad" though for you have just experienced a hugely difficult loss, one that is one of the biggest any of us can experience in our lifetimes, the loss of your mother, no matter whether you were close or not so close, she was your mother and that is something that no-one can prepare for and feel in control of.
Reaching out to you today and sending you my prayers and love (((((((((((ddub))))))))))), and remember your children have lost their Grandmother too and you will ALL be up and down in these early days of shock and loss. Take care my friend and be kind to yourselves. You are doing so well.
Love as always to you and the family Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
How significant after you did so heroically you now feel you didn't make much progress. No one but no one could have performed better than you under such pressure. I have such such difficulty with every day life with taking care of me when I feel abandoned, alone, desperate. I can perform miracles for others but not for myself!
I am so glad you came here and shared. You are indeed a living working emblem of the program and its fair and normal to have set backs. You aren't a robot you're human.
I can well understand how hard it is to grieve alone. I have had huge issues with my sisters about grieving our mother. Their picture of our mother is now clouded with sentimentality mine is full of wrenching grief. I have had to work in therapy on that one.
Can you join a grief group (not another group but yes some are helpful!) can you do grief meditations (I find them helpful you can pm me if you want a reference). You don't have to be the fearless hero on this one. You're back home now with this board and ask for and receive help!
So sorry about your Mom. I can relate to the loss and pain as a result.
Now's not the time to beat yourself up hon. Now's the time to be gentle with you and your family. Death is like a gaping wound to your body which needs time to heal.
Much and in your grieving, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
So sorry about your mom. I lost my mom 12 years ago, and I still miss her every day.
Be gentle with yourself during this time of grieving. There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to mourn the loss of a loved one. You will go through the process in which ever way will bring you the most comfort.
Even though others in your life may not understand this process, your HP will bring you through it as only He knows best. Keep trusting in Him to show you the way.
You are in my prayers.
Love,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
It is always so good to have you all here for whenever or whatever is going on, I can't see a view from the outside. Only inside looking out but when I reach out and ask for help, I feel so much better.
You each have helped me to look from a different perspective that might seem simple but just too hard to see when in the thick of anything. love this MIP family and thank you!
I have hope again that HP will help me-how could a forget so quickly?, being gentle to me as I would a friend, ask for help, go easy and be kind to myself & each other - all good actions and allowing myself to take a break. In this busy rush of a world, it is easy to forget that it is ok to rest, go slow,..... ah, yes - one day, one hour at a time. Slowing down, sigh of release.
lots of hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
in your grieving,