The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've spent sometime the last week or so looking at my progress in alanon. It started from a response to a posting I made here...A very wise person responded "don't react". When I read that, I saw that I was fighting not going where I had jumped so many times before...reacting and then thinking later. ugh! That action has proven itself time and time again to not be the best for me...
I thought when will I get it? How much time can it take? This glance into my past has been interesting. Starting with the question, how did it all end up this way??
The answer slowly, ever so slowly. I didn't start out my marriage as a screaming lunatic. It was when I didn't think my pleas for sobriety where being heard that I started raising my voice.,,,maybe if he heard me.
I didn't start out bitter. Bitterness seemed to come from being let down from expectations that were higher than the empire state building. When they were not fullfilled, I got angry...as the number of expectations I had that were not fullfilled increased.. I kept that list in my head of disappointments, going through it hourly, daily, weekly...until the list was full of things from 5 years ago...No wonder there was no fun in the relationship...Even if it was a sober day that could have been enjoyed by all...I was on the list #39 that happened 3/14/92...and I was still angry...so much for a fun sober day...Had I really seen myself I might have drank a bit too! How could I detach, when i was unwilling to let one thing go, much less something 15 years old that everyone else had forgotten about.
My ex never said "see ya later honey, I am going to work on being a drug addict today"...Just like I never said..."ok, I'll go ahead on focusing my whole life on your drinking. I will forget what I like to do, and how to have fun and most of all how to take care of myself and when you come home I will say all the things that will cause a great fight between you and me!"
Enter alanon..detach ...It took me months to understand the concept, much less practice it...Turn it over ...Hummm that was so different from turning it over and over in my head...Most days the best I could do was "HP help me" Work the steps my sponsor said, I sure wanted the elevator..
So I guess I have gotten it a bit...When I wrote that post I new my serenity was at risk...I new I needed to go back to step one..I new I needed those tools from the alanon box, gratitude lists, double meetings, more frequent conversations with my sponsor...I guess I was right where I needed to be.
My little glance at the past showed me I do have some alanon going for me. I have felt enough serenity to know when it is in jeopardy.
Today I was praying and I noticed my prayer has changed, don't know when it happened, but I prayed "HP lead me" Not that I don't need help, I do...I am still in need of alot of help. I guess It just made me feel I could walk, instead of being carried.
Awesome share from you!! Those are the words that healed my heart, saved my soul and spirit and kept me coming back so that I learn more and heal more. It is so gratifying to hear miracles come back and shout it works!! It WORKS!! THANK GOD IT WORKS!! I heard echos of my own recovery history expecially that very important slogan that still is my very most valued. It is the screen saver on my computer, "DON'T REACT!!". "Help me" enfolding into "Lead me"; we even say and have said the same prayers.
I am grateful for your share...very grateful and spiritually pleased.
your post has given me answers to questions I haven't asked but I feel the questions, the doubt, the fear and the wish for an elevator rather than steps too. I hadn't even been able to put all of this into words ...... it's just a yucky feeling right now yet you have helped me already with the hope I feel a bit more of now.
thank you, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Bitterness seemed to come from being let down from expectations that were higher than the empire state building. When they were not fullfilled, I got angry...as the number of expectations I had that were not fullfilled increased.. I kept that list in my head of disappointments, going through it hourly, daily, weekly... No wonder there was no fun in the relationship... How could I detach, when i was unwilling to let one thing go, much less something 15 years old that everyone else had forgotten about.
OMG this part of your post is just what I needed to read this morning. It does not even apply to the A in my life. My marriage is suffering because of this exact thing. Expectations of my husband that are not getting fulfilled. I am talking about things that he starts and does not finish and all the stuff he collects and clutters up the house. Is it really worth ruining my marriage? No, it is not. I need to detach from any expectations of anyone in my life and just do what I need to do for my own peace. Thanks so much for this post. You just never know how much you can help another by posting what is going on in your life.
Thank you so much , I have been struggling what do , I am in a new relationship of two years , he gets into his whisky and is a mean mouth. My expectations are to quit and then I get angry and feel like I am not important when he promises to leave it alone . I grew up with alcoholics and should know by now it isnt so easy to keep that promise.
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I would like someone to talk to about this , not my children I dont want them to judge him.They all get along so well. He can be so kind and I know the pattern. Thank you
