When I left the A one of my most humbling experiences was to take a gift from an ex boyfriend of mine.  I had nothing, no resources and I had asked him for help.  Getting help from him invovled tremendous triggers for me. He kept telling me that the felt sorry for me.  I felt really put down a lot of the time. Nevertheless he did offere help, physical support, kindness (all on his terms) and he gave me money. I knew he did not have a lot of money at the time so that was something that meant a lot to me. 

Dealing with him has always been difficult, he always does the pity you route.  I used to be tremendously triggered by his emails and really limited what I said to him.  When he saw where I was going to live he kept saying how terrible it was and urging me to get rid of my dogs.  Of course that was absolutely horrific for me.

I really worked hard on limiting my contact with him but at the same time acknowledging he really had no idea what he was saying to me.

This morning he sent me an email saying he wanted to know if he could contact my sister in the event something happened to me.  In the past that would have been a tremendous trigger for me!  I would have been off on oh wow what do you mean, oh gosh what does he think, lost in it for a week!

Now I say "sure". The fact is he is not my emergency contact. I don' t have one!

I can respect he cares albeit dysfunctionally. I can limit my contact.  I can let go.

I don't think I could do that before. I was always trying to control the image others had of me.

I'm grateful he "gave" me the money he did. I don't feel I owe him. I gave him plenty being the super generous codependent I was when I went out with him (years and years ago).  I don't feel bad that he's dysfunctional. I don't take it personally.

I don't want him to change. I don' t need him to change.  I don't want to persuade him to get into recovery (although if he did I'd be happy).

More letting go. 

I'm also not about to become his best friend.

How nice not to be in super reaction anymore!

Maresie.