The material presented
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I don't like what I'm seeing right now about myself but I like that it's coming to head. I feel like I am going crazy in the sense that I say I'm not going to do it and all of a sudden I do it. Spying on my husbands every move. I snoop around and look for clues and I'm just waiting or for him to say I'm in love with someone else or I'm not happy with you or something. I'm carrying around this fear that maybe I'm not good enough. I check his emails when he's not around, I check the history on the computer to make sure he hasn't been looking at anything that he shouldn't be. I never find anything. I think he is either good at cleaning up the tracks or he is really a great guy. I know he's a wonderful guy and I know I am probably driving him to things he probably wouldn't do if he didn't feel the subtle vibes from me. My sponsor says, he can look at and do whatever he wants and that I need to get out of his business. He has that right. And I try to remind myself of that but it isn't easy. I am really really ashamed of my behavior and it's been going on for a while now, I don't know how to stop trying to control him. I need help. I go to meetings but I can't share this kind of stuff. I can talk about other people in the meetings but I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to even mention the horrible behavior I have been conducting. It was a big step for me to even write on this message board. Saying it out load is tough. I am just really disgusted about what I've discovered about myself and I never actually paid attention that I did this stuff. I just do it and justify my behavior. Just today, I realized, oh my gosh... My life is unmanageable! Just today I realized how out of line my actions are.
Well you are in the right place. You can put down the stick here. We all have beaten ourselves up. My ESH is that here in al anon (and believe me before I did not have the ability to do it) I learned and really worked to practice not knowing. Now it is a discipline and part of turning the A (who is now the exA) over to his HP. I learned, really commited to the three C's. I could not control his disease, much as I tried, nor his behavior nor his history. I could control my own behavior though. Believe me I think it takes great courage to admit to being out of control. I could not do that for years and clearly I made myself very ill as a result. Detaching is something I have to do every day, with or without an A, with or without a relationshp my life is unmanageable. There are days it gets better days when it is totally out there. With recovery I start over every single day.
Nicole, Thank you for sharing this. At least your starting to recognize your own unacceptable behaviors. I use to do that many years ago, until I realized his girlfriend and lover was the booze. I finally realized it was my own denial about the disease, and not wanting to accept that my husband was an out of control alcoholic. Facing our reality is difficult, but once we do, we start our recovery. My best to you. May you find peace and serenity in the tools of Al-Anon. Luv, Bettina
wow, I remember that day when I realized how out of control I was and how unacceptable my behaviors were and how completely and utterly unmanageable my life was. It was the most horrible day of my life and it was the very very best day of my life because I finally admitted I had some very serious problems. I realized I did not want to be the woman I had become thru the disease.
It was the day I realized that I truly honestly wanted my husband dead. I did not know how I would do it but I knew I wanted it. I had been so severely abused I could not look anyone in the eye directly. I could not lift up my head at all. I always, always stared at my feet. I always hid and never drew any attention to myself at all. I had given every ounce of my power away to that man. I had given every ounce of myself away. I chose to do this. Over and over and over again.
I figured that my best option was to spend my life in prison. That was how crazy I was. The grace of god/HP got me out of there and away from him and nothing bad happened. In fact, everything good and right happened. I got help. I listened, I spoke, I shared, I found out so many other women had that much rage, too, in the program. So many other spouses fantasize in this way, too. I thank HP for getting me out of that situation before I completely ruined my life. Now, I just graduated from grad school instead of heading into prison. I have a wonderful new job that begins in Sept. and I have a really cool healthy sweetheart that is just beginning- who knows what the possibilities are.
Your life is just beginning with this horrible, ugly realization. It feels really terrible but its the best first step to the brightest future you can imagine. Keep coming back! Hugs, J.
(((Nicole))) Please do not feel guilty. If they had been putting people in jail for what you are doing there would be very few, and most likely no one here at MIP to response to your post. We would all be in jail. We all freely admit to being crazy, sick, mixed up, out of control, sneeky, and do I need to continue? I could, it would be easy, because I give you my word I have done most all the things you have done and more. Have you ever waited until your A was asleep to go down stairs and into the garage to check the car to see how many more cans were there than there were the day before, or looked for the new hidding place for the empty cans, or gone to bed only get up minutes later to stand in the dark bathroom to have the best view looking across the deck and into the great room to see if she started drinking again because you were in bed. How about quietly digging through the kitchen garbage can while your A was in the other room, and having to explain (lie about) what you were doing when she came back sooner than expected. Nicole I can't explain why I had to do those things, I just knew I had to, my day was not complete if I did'nt. When I started going to Al-Anon two yrs. ago (always twice weekly) I did not stop doing those crazy things immediately We are talking about a grown man, with three grown children, owned the same business for 34 years, active in the community, yet so obsessed with the AW's drinking that I did not realize just how crazy I had become. I guess the word addiction comes closer to explaining where I was at the time. I was not addicted to drinking beer, but was just as addicted to finding how many empty cans I could find each day so I could say what to myself? Gosh!! My AW drank 13 beers today. Nicole, after a few months in Al-Anon, reading litature, talking to other members, and really taking a hard look in the mirrow at that crazy guy I had become I decided about 18 months ago to turn my AW over to my HP. I don't mean I decided to let my HP help me out from time to time. I'm talking about 100%. My AW is still not as interested in working her program as I thought she would be when I turned her over to my HP, But that is between the two of them. I have to work my program. What I have found is that not only do I have so much more time for myself, and time for my children, and time for my Black Lab Ellie who goes to work with me everyday, my consentration has also improved tremendously at my business. Nicole, never be ashamed of anything you have done, one day you will not only talk about it at an Al-Anon meeting, but you will be able to laugh about it like I can now. The A's think we are crazier than they are, they are exactly right, but for a very good reason, THEM!! And, as General Patton said to the Russian General in the movie PATTON, "I'll drink to that". RLC
I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to share that here. And I hope you see you are not alone. I did the same things. And yes, it was out of control. But I had GREAT reasons for doing it. It was the beginning of my journey. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I finally found what I was searching for. It was awful. It was the worst day of my life and I remember apologizing for snooping on the computer and telling him that I wished I had never snooped or found what I found. But, everything happens for a reason.
Be careful what you look for because you just might find it and then what?
Also, be gentle with yourself. If you feel this is what you need to do right now, well, then do it. When you feel it is no longer necessary, you will stop. Have faith.
You are a person acting out a compulsion, who comes to a place for those with this problem, and honestly talks about it. Looks to me like a person of courage, taking the first step toward getting her life back to sanity.
You've said it here, and no one has been disgusted with you. No one thinks less of you, in fact here we all are saying "Yup, I did that too". If you were to talk about it at your meeting, you'd get the same response. I remember the jolt I felt, at a meeting when a woman was talking about doing "drive bys". (Driving around town trying to spot his car so you knew which bar he was drinking at, which 'friend' he was spending time with) Here was my secret shame, that I couldn't understand, could barely even think about, and it was so common here that they even had a pet name for it. You're in the right place, hon.
Personally I think the A got something out of that I was crazy when I looked up his cell phone record and was so envious of those he had called. He also got something out of the fact I used to "look" for him. He knew I still needed him. I am sure he is absolutely flumoxed by my program today. How could I not need him?
There is progress. Where you are is not where you will be for ever.
I do understand the shame. I have a lot of shame over how I obsessed over the A. I no longer have it. I am human. I am flawed but I work on those flaws. I am worthy of a program.
. It was the beginning of my journey. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I finally found what I was searching for. It was awful. It was the worst day of my life and I remember apologizing for snooping on the computer and telling him that I wished I had never snooped or found what I found. But, everything happens for a reason.