The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Friends, We always spend the 4th of July the same way - a parade in the morning and friends' house at night. They live on a golf course and we "sneak" out there to watch fireworks overhead. Nice mellow company and an awesome view. I was happy to discover that the holiday landed on my weekend with the kids, but I had plans regardless. As for my AH, he had asked what the plans were earlier in the week and I told him, but extended no invite. I did feel a bit guilty, but I figured he knew the drill and could do what he wanted.
As it turned out, my daughter made sure she invited him to the parade, and he spoke with our friend to make sure he was invited to the evening. During the time in between, the kids and I went to a swim party and AH spent it at the house cleaning windows(?), fixing the sprinklers and other odd jobs. The day turned out fine. The kids were happy to have him present at two of the events, and our youngest was thrilled to be sitting on dad's lap at the parade and for fireworks. He has celebrity status, ya know
On Sat. I cleaned the garage and got the kids involved, and offered to take them swimming at the end of the day. AH came over to continue working, and as we were all out there working together (well, us working and kids complaining) it seemed like times long ago. We didn't chat much, but we were very civil, there was no conflict and we got our work done. When he was done with his work (before me), he offered to take the kids to swim. I was invited to go, and at first declined , but then after they left I realized that I was hot and dirty and I wanted to go. So, I put on my suit and surprised the kids and we had a good time. I even had some much needed individual time with my daughter while my AH played with the other two.
As I was about to leave the pool, my daughter asked if AH could come for dinner and stay for a movie. I hesitantly agreed, thinking he would say no, but he didn't. It all went amazingly smooth. We had a nice dinner and the time was filled with the kids making up fairy tales. The movie was chaotic as usual, with a couple spilled drinks, an overtired 3 yr old, and some bickering and arguing by the older two, but overall was fine. I could still see a cold edge to him, but ignored it. We were civil, we made comments, and even laughed and shared a few times.
Now, here is the al-anon part. I actually had a decent weekend with my soon-to-be ex AH present. I still think he is a rat and I don't think he has any great fondness for me. But, I realized that my decision to go swim was all about ME, and to have him at the parade with us and over for dinner and a movie, was all for the kids. Though he benefitted from the gestures, they weren't for him. They didn't mean I thought he cared about me, that I was weak or still loved him, that I accept his behavior or even forgive him. It was just going with the flow and making the best of it while giving my kids a bit of the normalcy they desire (whatever that is), if even for just a day.
This was a concept I could not wrap my head around even a month ago. Funny thing is that just Fri morning I had written my AH a pretty "honest" email, but decided to hold off on sending it. I think I still may, but glad I didn't on Fri. It's not so bad that he seemed to have a decent weekend too. He used to get a lot of pleasure out of accomplishing tasks, but when his disease took firm hold it just made him angry. There was no anger or resentment at all this weekend, and I could see he felt some pride. I had no expectations of him and was pleased that he went a bit above and beyond what needed to be done.
Holidays are difficult, and I am pleased we have a few months of respite coming up before the next batch. I am thankful you are all here to debrief to. I haven't posted on my attorney meeting because it is all too overwhelming, and not particularly interesting. We meet again on the 22nd (our 19th anniviersary). I still am fearful, but just continue to do the next right thing and make an honest attempt every day to just give it all to my HP. There is no other way.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:35, 2008-07-07
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, you're doing it (((Lou))) I had a very similar divorce experience....waves of overwhelment and fear... but also my moments of peace, calm and acceptance. Thank God for the program!
What an amazing post!
It reminds me of something my sponsor suggested last week, "If nothing else, (try to) be kind."
Praise to your HP for what is happening in you and your life!!!!!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
What an inspiration. I would find it very very very difficult to be in the ExA's presence without dripping with resentment. I am doing far far better at not over reacting to his calls. I find it so hard to super focus on me. Thank you so much for being an inspiration.
I cannot imagine a joyful peaceful holiday, mine are full of regrets and pain still. I am not immobilized by it but there is such grief and anger there. I work to move beyond it and not act on it but its very hard.
what I see in this is gifts - multiple gifts to your children, a gift to yourself, and a gift to almost X ah even if he is a ratbag. It sounds to me like these gifts come from a place of serenity, and I am awed by the growth I see in you.
My own parents split when I was 12, and it was 12 years later - a lifetime - at my brother's wedding - when I finally saw them together in a social situation, being civil. What did that teach me? I bet more all or nothing thinking, just I what I needed, I DON'T think.
Your kids are seeing healthier behaviour at least sometimes in the midst of all the chaos - what a gift.
this is such an inspiring post, Lou. Again, I hear the mantra of being present, accepting and not making any kind of grand gestures, actions or choices. Keeping it simple. No expectations. What a gift as TTM said- especially for those kids. Nice work, great inspiration for me- Hugs, J.
I think you learned something too Plus put it to action - what wonderful progress!! Now I have learned something new too because you shared your ESH thanks for this share hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
