The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi to everyone out there going through trouble because of the A's we love and pray for. I am so grateful to this site as every time my ABF starts drinking again I can come here and see that there are others out there in my situationwho wish they weren't and are trying so hard to detach.
Sometimes I wonder how a successful career woman with so many fantastic friends and a wonderful family of support can let herself be in this position, especially pregnant, but this site always helps to show me there are no class lines in alcoholism and no matter your (or the A's) success or outward appearances of normalcy, the disease is brutal and crippling across the board.
My ABF was brutal to me when I found I was pregnant and kicked his drinking up to another level for weeks. Finally, I stopped returning his calls and asked him to leave me alone (he kept telling me to terminate the pregnancy, that I was making a bad decision, that he did not love me anymore, etc., and we had been together for five years). We have been through brutal alcoholic episodes worse than this but I had never sought outside help. I started seeing a counselor and started to detach.
Within weeks the A came back in my life, promised to get help, and promised to be there for me and the baby. He also promised to stop drinking. Months went by where I continued counseling and he continued to get better, not drinking at all and virtually becoming the perfect partner for me. In the last weeks he has started to drink again, much of it on nights when he was away from me (we still live in different houses) and a few times in my presence (at a wedding and one night when we went camping).
On the few times he drank in front of me it was miserable for me. He got verbally abusive and aggressive and all I could do was keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight or me bursting in to tears. Then he would sober up and tell me he had been fine and I was the one who "always had to have a problem." In the last week, he had been doing great, and had even come to a midwife appointment with me and professed his true love and friendship for me many times, and even mentioned talking about moving in together.
Then last night he called after he left his job site early in the evening and said that he was going to a friend's art opening before heading home but he was exhausted and wanted to get to sleep. I told him I would love to go to the opening, had been invited, too, but didn't feel like going alone but he said he was just going to pop in because he was exhausted and wanted to go to sleepso no, he would not pick me up and take me with him.
Fast forward to 3 a.m. and the phone rings. I see his number and panic...is everything okay? (It's been so long since he would make these late night drunk calls to me I had forgotten.) I answer and he starts going off on me about how I have come over to his house while he was gone and stolen his dog and I am a shitty person for trying to steal his dog. At first I think he is asleep and then I ask if he has been drinking. He says yes and continues to ask me "Where's Stevie (his dog)?" "Where is she? You better tell me you liar!" He gets verbally abusive and I start to cry and scream at him to sober up, and then, like an idiot, offer to help him find her. This only makes him accuse me even more. I tell him I have been trying to sleep for hours and he woke me and that I cannot do this with him while I am pregnant and he just keeps on with the verbal abuse until finally I slam down the phone. When I call him back, he has turned his phone off, so I left a message for him to leave me and my child alone and not to contact us until he enters a 12-step program or gets some serious help for his addiction. All I could think was I am so glad the baby is not born yet and that I do not live with him, because it would have been ten times worse if he had been in person in front of meI know, I used to live with himand I could not face his abuse with a newborn there.
I guess it's because I am pregnant and very emotional, and it was the middle of the night I found it hard to stop crying and get back to sleep this morning. I know that if I do not detach now, he will only get worse and we will be back to physical violence and emotional abuse again. No one (excepting my girlfriends) in our lives sees this part of his personality when he drinks, although I have tried to explain it to his friends and family many times (they act like I am the one with the problem because he likes to drink). If they only knew.
I came here today looking for support because I want to go over to his house and confront him with what he did last night (which he has no knowledge of, I'm sure) and make him turn back into the partner and father-to-be my baby and I need in our lives, but if I do this, he will just keep drinking.
My counselor and I have been talking about my well-being over the last few months and what I want for my future, and although I love my ABF, I also know that in order to be with him for the rest of our lives I will have to accept that he will always be an alcoholic. I guess I am at the end of my rope and would love to hear success stories of single moms who have left their A's in the dust to go on to have successful love lives, family lives and personal lives. I really could use that right now because I feel like the man I love, and the father of my child is dying.
Hi Lone, Im glad you have reached out to the Al-Anon family in your time of need. You sound like you are on the right track but need encouragement. Especially in this time when you are pregnant, vulnerable and emotional. Its easy to get confused. I have been with the A 26 years, and he just got sober for 20 days now, because he got a DUI and his job was on the line and he paid out lots of money to an attorney and bailbondsman. Is it enough for him to stop drinking, we will see. A's seem to keep moving their bottoms and how much they will allow to take from their lives, their health, their self dignity, their jobs, and any spirituality, if they ever had any. they don't believe in themselves and have the lowest esteems of anyone on the planet. Dont let them fool you. Right now though Lone you have another little person to think about , your baby. You don't need to confront a drunk, in your condition or ever. Face to face Al-Anon meetings would be a better choice. You need strength and detachment to get your life on track . AA is the only thing that would help your A, you cannot help him. You did not cause his problem and you cannot cure him. Get in touch with that HP to help you . Keep coming back, because it works. Luv, Bettina
You are exactly right in all you said. Alanon can give you so much information and tools to help you.
In my experience confronting an A does zero good. They know what they are,what they do and feel more guilt than anyone.
I would never, ever confront the A. I know it would tear me apart.Besides when you detach, you know it is the disease talking out of his mouth,not our loved one.
When they just stop using they are not in recovery. No one can put only a bandaid on something bleeding. There is bruising, infection, torn ligaments etc.
Addiction is soooo much more than using.Using is only one little symptom.
They may go into strong recovery for many years, a day a month. However relapse is inevitable in most cases.
As much as I love my AH I don't care if he was sober on program for 10 years,no way would I go back to him.
You have a good situation for you.Financial, a home,he does not live with you.
Honey you have a new baby inside you. Do you want to take that precious soul into sure danger!!??
He wanted you to abort it! What if he is aggressive and uses that to hurt you enough to terminate the pregnancy???!!!
My dear daughter went thru this dear, when baby was born she almost died. When they got home he pushed her down with Noah in her arms,would not let her call for help.She got away and off to jail he went and off to another city she went.
She is extremely protective of our Sprout. My nicname for him.
Detachment for me is loving him,hating the disease. I see him as a pod person that is kept locked inside this body by addiction.
It is not him ever.
Anyway I hope you can get to face to face meetings.Read literature,"Getting Them Sober," Toby Rice Drews is a good one,Courage to Change, One Day at a time....
Keep coming back, there are meetings in the chat room here. hugs,debilyn
I think you are doing a great job! Time to be good to you and put some of this stress aside... we cannot know what the best things for you to do are, and we won't advise you or tell you what you should do. What we can do is share what has worked for us, and our experiences and lessons learned.
1. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Some people have quit cold turkey, without a program, and successfully stayed dry... but the number is very, very few. I've learned that it was NOT okay for me to try to control or cure my alcoholic wife of alcoholism; that lead me down a terrible road. What I learned how to do was to implement solid boundaries, and not accept her drunken behavior.
2. You are responsible for your lifestyle. Should you confront him? How do you think that will affect you? Do you think it would help him to become what you want him to be? My inclination is that it will do nothing but add stress.
3. Being verbally abused takes 2 people. One to rage and tirade, the other to accept it. When this situation occurs over and over, the price paid usually gets higher and higher. Domestic violence is no joke, and it grows from verbal aggression.
So, you may think you can handle all this, and change him into what you think he can be.. a nice, loving husband, sober and stable. It was the "potential" I saw in my Awife.... if I just loved her enough... if I just gave her a little more of me... if I just showed her that I will stand by her side through thick and thin...
I accepted unacceptable behavior. It made me sad, tired, depressed, and eventually, explaining to a doctor why I had bloody bite marks and scratches all over me. My wife refused to go to AA, refused to stop drinking, she chose drinking after I placed boundaries that that was unacceptable to keep our relationship.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and I urge you to keep your health, safety and welfare, first. If let him know that you will not have a drunk father and husband, he will know that he has a choice to either stop and be, or not stop and not be.
I hope you can chill out, and see what it is you need. If it still isn't clear, I urge you to attend a couple face to face Al-anon meetings and keep coming back here to gain perspective from people that have been there and done that.
It is with love and hope,
take care of YOU!
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
The first thing I thought when I read your post was that I was worried for your physical health and the babys. You are on the right path in attempting to stay away from your ABF. He sounds very abusive in several ways and once the baby is born, with his on and off drinking, I, myself, think it could be a really bad situation. I'm sure you've been in love with your baby since youve known you were pregnant so if nothing else, think of that little person and what kind of life he/she would have if the father was a permanent fixture in your household. Its a scary thought. I' m sure you're confused b/c he is the father of your child and you have been together for awhile and I"m sure you love him but to me, your safety comes first. My AH is a happy drunk luckily for me. I would have been gone a long time ago if he was a nasty drunk. He sets me off so much, I probably would be in jail if he was a mean drunk. Anyway....youre doing good and it seems like deep down you know what you need to do. I'm sure you are scared --about just making that type of decision and part of you may not want your ABF out of your life but dont fool yourself and think that things will change when the baby comes or things will change at all. I've been waiting for things to change for 10 + yrs. Keep writing and getting support here. There are so many wonderful people here who have such great insight, knowledge, and personal history that they can share. Be Safe :)
"I know that if I do not detach now, he will only get worse"
His getting worse has nothing to do with you detaching. Unless he is in some kind of a program of recovery, he WILL get worse. You have no impact on that. Your part is deciding whether you and your baby are going to be there watching him.
I know how hard it is, when for long periods he really is fine to be around. It makes the whole thing so much harder - if he were an SOB all the time, it would be pretty easy to shed him. MY kids are almost grown, now, and I STILL don't really know whether I did the right or wrong thing, staying with him. Thank goodness, I don't really have to decide - all I have to do is live this day.
I dunno if its any consolation 1 year out I still get calls from the A bf accusing me of stuff. The issue is how I respond to it. He didn't change I did. For one I don't answer the phone.
Anyone gets emotional dealing with an active A. There are tons of tools in al anon that can help you through this time. Detaching is such an art. The first time I turned the A over to the HP and stopped believing my worrying and obsessing would help any really helped. I have to turn things over every single day.
I've lived with an a and lived without the A in some ways for me the hardest was when I initially left him. I was so worried sick about him. There are many many many people here as you know who have had the worst possible outcomes. Disaster does indeed afflict A's. That is part of their disease. Making myself sick with worry didn't help at all, beating myself to a pulp didn't affect the outcome either.
I hope you will come here daily and often. Keep posting, keep seeing your counselor. Work on taking care of you, that's so hard when you are surrounded by someone who is in imminent destruction. I know that!
Welcome to this wonderful place. None of us want to be here intially but after a while this is home!
